Heartless nights…edit 1.0001todd,knot again...

[tectak]

Edit 1.0

Heartless nights…
 
Last night, we talked into red-lidded morn; 
dry-mouthed, dry-eyed, with nothing left to say. 
Your venom hissed and hung around,
a vitriolic, echoed sound,
that  damped  the music  of the dawn;
and drove our song away.
 
Tonight, behind your closed and dreamless door,
blind fingers creep to seek out body heat.
Like cellophane, my crackling heart, 
arrhythmic riffs that stop and start,
I hear through sheets, that love me more,
another steady beat.
 

Edit 0.0001 (with help from Todd and knott pre-final posting)
Heartless nights…
 
We talked the night into red-lidded morn;
dry mouthed, dry-eyed, with nothing left to say.
Your venom hissed and hung around,
a vitriolic, echoed sound,
that  damped  the music  of the dawn;
and drove our song away.
 
Tonight, behind your closed and dreamless door,
blind fingers creep to seek out body heat.
Like cellophane, my crackling heart,
arrhythmic riffs that stop and start,
I hear through sheets (that love me more)
another steady beat.
 
 
Tectak
2018

[Todd]

This is pleasing to read, Tom. I normally don't stray much into form, but here are some comments for you.

Heartless nights…
 
We talked the night into red- lidded morn;--red-lidded morn is gorgeous. Love the phrasing. It also builds tension making us wonder what kept them up. I like the meter you establish. Seems to be an extra space after your hyphen that needs to be eliminated.  
dry mouthed, dry-eyed , with  nothing left to say.--I like the repetition of dry. Extra space needs to be eliminated after with. Again, your content fits well nothing in the line feels forced. 
Your venom hissed and hung around,--I like the shift to tetrameter. Venom works well with hissed. You can imply the image. I'm not a fan of hung around. I can sort of see what your going for--hanging in the air of sorts. It's the first part that feels slightly there to support the rhyme not the content.
 a vitriolic echoed sound,--vitriolic is a fantastic word. It sounds great here. Vitriolic echoed reads to me like a compound adjective so should probably be hyphenated.
that  damped  the music  of the dawn;--This is lovely phrasing. It pulls us back to the first line and is wonderful content. Extra space after music that needs to be cut.
and drove the song away.
 
Tonight, behind  your closed and dreamless door,--I'm confident that the extra spacing is a copy paste job gone wrong. Extra space after behind needs to be cut. Dreamless door is a nice touch here. The tension and emotion is still in play.
my  fingers creep towards your  body heat.--The meter feels off here, which could simply be my accent when I read "towards". That's the place in the line where it feels off the transition between creep and towards. I read towards as one syllable but I think you may as two. Content and parallel structure wise you may want the creep to also be associated with a noise that identifies the imagery like you did with venom hissed above.
Like cellophane, my crackling heart ,--Extra space after heart that needs to be cut. Lovely line here. You use heart so well in this and the next line that you redeem it. Tough word to use. Cellophane my crackling is awesome--love the phrasing. I like how you've introduced so much sound into the poem. 
arrhythmic riffs that stop and start,--Great phrasing and works well as content.
I hear through sheets- that love me more-
another steady beat.--kind of a reverse aubade. 
 
 
Tectak
2018

I very much enjoyed this, Tom. I hope the comments are helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Knot]

Hi tectak,
enjoyed this.
Some thoughts (that take little account of meter).

Heartless nights…

We talked the night into red-lidded morn;
Do you need 'the'? (Or should it be 'a red-lidded..?)
Great phrase.
Could you tweak the title to avoid the nights/night
repetition?
dry mouthed, dry-eyed , with nothing left to say.
Same question about 'with'
Enjoyed the move from 'red-lidded' to 'dry-eyed'.
Your venom hissed and hung around,
'hung around' is very clunky (were
you going for droplets suspended in the air?)
a vitriolic echoed sound,
v.small point but 'hissed' and 'echo' imply sound.
that damped the music of the dawn;
'damped' and 'dawn' (and 'drove') are nice
sonically and alliteratively, but I was a bit
disappointed that you didn't follow the
venom/vitriol thought through in this line.
and drove the song away.
nice line.

Tonight, behind your closed and dreamless door,
my fingers creep towards your body heat.
Could you do anything about the repetition of 'your'?
'body heat' - more snake behaviour?
Like cellophane, my crackling heart,
pleasingly unexpected image.
arrhythmic riffs that stop and start,
nice.
I hear through sheets - that love me more -
(Got lost on - that love me more- )
another steady beat.


Don't know what it would do to your narrative,
but I'd suggest switching the order of the verses.
Amongst other things, 'drove the song away'
makes a great end line.

Best, Knot.

[tectak]

This is pleasing to read, Tom. I normally don't stray much into form, but here are some comments for you.

Heartless nights…
 
We talked the night into red- lidded morn;--red-lidded morn is gorgeous. Love the phrasing. It also builds tension making us wonder what kept them up. I like the meter you establish. Seems to be an extra space after your hyphen that needs to be eliminated.  
dry mouthed, dry-eyed , with  nothing left to say.--I like the repetition of dry. Extra space needs to be eliminated after with. Again, your content fits well nothing in the line feels forced. 
Your venom hissed and hung around,--I like the shift to tetrameter. Venom works well with hissed. You can imply the image. I'm not a fan of hung around. I can sort of see what your going for--hanging in the air of sorts. It's the first part that feels slightly there to support the rhyme not the content.
 a vitriolic echoed sound,--vitriolic is a fantastic word. It sounds great here. Vitriolic echoed reads to me like a compound adjective so should probably be hyphenated.
that  damped  the music  of the dawn;--This is lovely phrasing. It pulls us back to the first line and is wonderful content. Extra space after music that needs to be cut.
and drove the song away.
 
Tonight, behind  your closed and dreamless door,--I'm confident that the extra spacing is a copy paste job gone wrong. Extra space after behind needs to be cut. Dreamless door is a nice touch here. The tension and emotion is still in play.
my  fingers creep towards your  body heat.--The meter feels off here, which could simply be my accent when I read "towards". That's the place in the line where it feels off the transition between creep and towards. I read towards as one syllable but I think you may as two. Content and parallel structure wise you may want the creep to also be associated with a noise that identifies the imagery like you did with venom hissed above.
Like cellophane, my crackling heart ,--Extra space after heart that needs to be cut. Lovely line here. You use heart so well in this and the next line that you redeem it. Tough word to use. Cellophane my crackling is awesome--love the phrasing. I like how you've introduced so much sound into the poem. 
arrhythmic riffs that stop and start,--Great phrasing and works well as content.
I hear through sheets- that love me more-
another steady beat.--kind of a reverse aubade. 
 
 
Tectak
2018

I very much enjoyed this, Tom. I hope the comments are helpful.

Best,

Todd

Thanks, todd...your input is always valuable.  A reverse aubade? Yes, I suppose it is...just based on a tv drama I watched because Judge Judy was a repeat. Thing is, I went to bed that night and couldn't get to sleep because my own heart beat was audible like a scratchy recording...crisp linen sheets does that. There is something wrong with the constructed continuity in the last stanza...I'm working on it. Tried to fix the spacing and to get the idea of the  bed sheet carrying the sound of a heartbeat...as if another body; warm, yielding and none-judgemental. Damn these short lines...I cannot fit things in as I want.
Best and credited,
tectak

[tectak]

Hi tectak,
enjoyed this.
Some thoughts (that take little account of meter).

Heartless nights…

We talked the night into red-lidded morn;
Do you need 'the'? (Or should it be 'a red-lidded..?)
Great phrase.
Could you tweak the title to avoid the nights/night
repetition?
dry mouthed, dry-eyed , with nothing left to say.
Same question about 'with'
Enjoyed the move from 'red-lidded' to 'dry-eyed'.
Your venom hissed and hung around,
'hung around' is very clunky (were
you going for droplets suspended in the air?)
a vitriolic echoed sound,
v.small point but 'hissed' and 'echo' imply sound.
that damped the music of the dawn;
'damped' and 'dawn' (and 'drove') are nice
sonically and alliteratively, but I was a bit
disappointed that you didn't follow the
venom/vitriol thought through in this line.
and drove the song away.
nice line.

Tonight, behind your closed and dreamless door,
my fingers creep towards your body heat.
Could you do anything about the repetition of 'your'?
'body heat' - more snake behaviour?
Like cellophane, my crackling heart,
pleasingly unexpected image.
arrhythmic riffs that stop and start,
nice.
I hear through sheets - that love me more -
(Got lost on - that love me more- )
another steady beat.


Don't know what it would do to your narrative,
but I'd suggest switching the order of the verses.
Amongst other things, 'drove the song away'
makes a great end line.

Best, Knot.

Thanks, knot. I am trying to get rid of the your/your...good catch. The vitriolic venom ...metaphor for poisonous words...is sound not suspension. A bit cheesy in the "her words echoed inside my head" cliched way...but hey, that's how it came out. The working title stays for now but the sheets thing is all this guy/gal gets...he gets more love from the warm, enclosing, non-judgemental sheets...ahem...bit Iike cuddling a pillow, I imagine. With the addition of a heartbeat he's almost sliding in to sheeted surrogacy.
Best and credited,
tectak

Yippeeee....got it....the your-your is no more.

[Knot]

Yippeeee....got it....the your-your is no more.
Yes, I like the change. Sonics much improved.
But now, my-my! (L8,L9)
Would you consider something like
fingers creep to seek out a body's heat?
or even
fingers creeping, seek out a body's heat?
Just a thought.

poisonous words - yes, that I got, what confused me
was the ambiguity of 'hung around' (suspension versus waiting)

As to sheets, I think your 'that' is also ambiguous;
as in, 'which also', or
(not sure of the correct technical term here, apologies)
that 'love you more' (sort of reported speech).

If you wanted to stretch things a bit further, cellophane suggests
cigarettes/tobacco which when combined with 'sheets' (of a particular sort of paper)
imply a somewhat different, and more chemical, release.
(Though I could just be toking this completely out of context).

Best, Knot.

[tectak]

Yippeeee....got it....the your-your is no more.
Yes, I like the change. Sonics much improved.
But now, my-my! (L8,L9)
Would you consider something like
fingers creep to seek out a body's heat?
or even
fingers creeping, seek out a body's heat?
Just a thought.

poisonous words - yes, that I got, what confused me
was the ambiguity of 'hung around' (suspension versus waiting)

As to sheets, I think your 'that' is also ambiguous;
as in, 'which also', or
(not sure of the correct technical term here, apologies)
that 'love you more' (sort of reported speech).

If you wanted to stretch things a bit further, cellophane suggests
cigarettes/tobacco which when combined with 'sheets' (of a particular sort of paper)
imply a somewhat different, and more chemical, release.
(Though I could just be toking this completely out of context).

Best, Knot.

Work in progress...but I liked your...er....typo on "toking"....I wanted cellophane ONLY because it crackles...I am a man of simple sonics My-my is gone....sounds like a Thai bride has changed her mind.