The love I meant

[Thunderembargo]

The love I meant
went to this umbrella
Umbrella of brillo, asperdine and amphetamine
gutteral noises,
desperate fantasies
where is my coonskin cap, my unholy longing
my body vanished
shuttle cock and poppy seed
adventures unvanished

[Deor Ana Log]

The love I meant a comma here would work well
went to this umbrella is this in a literal sense or a metaphorical one?
Umbrella of brillo, asperdine and amphetamine a little too wordy for my taste
gutteral noises, from ... - specificity is key here
desperate fantasies remove one of these two words
where is my coonskin cap, my unholy longing the best line in the poem
my body vanished just vague enough to work well
shuttle cock and poppy seed contrast creates tension and this device is well utilized here
adventures unvanished I quite like this slant line

Okay, and piece 100% is missing 1-2 more stanzas to flesh out the world within itself. Word choice in this one is golden, and mostly work in the context of the poem. Some questions to ponder are: Who holds the umbrella? How do desperate fantasies impact reality? etc. Also consider naming the entire thing 'Umbrella' as it seems to be the subject; appearing twice.

I give this poem a 7/10. It is consise enough and carries its weight in each line. Where the author needs to work on is to expand each 2-3 lines in their own stanza. Thanks for sharing - Deor Ana Log