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edited.
Forgotten music hums in gaps, where once sharp words rang like a bell.
In padded cell of aerogel, where click and hiss exist no more,
your voice is blown on shearing wind, I cannot fill the spaces in;
so ask again, what did you say? What was that? I missed the word,
I’m sorry.
Can you see that bright red star, right there, beyond the back-lit pines?
Surely, the trees are clear, my love, though dusk is on our homely hill….
You used to say that you were glad when when once its outline rose to view,
only a mile or two to go…but yes, perhaps, a red tail-light…nothing more,
I’m sorry.
Some things that change slip by unseen; forgotten kiss before we sleep.
My thoughts, more fateful day on day, engulf me when the night is near;
when swords hang from the fading sphere, above us in the dead of dreams.
Please wake again, I blame myself, kiss me when you remember me.
I’m sorry.
Tectak
2018
original:
Forgotten music hums in gaps, where once the sharps rang like a bell.
In padded cell of aerogel, where click and hiss exist no more,
like voices blown in shearing wind, I cannot fill the spaces in;
so ask again, what did you say? What was that? I missed the word,
I’m sorry.
Can you see that bright red star, right there, above the shadowed pines?
Surely, the trees are clear, my love, dusk-drawn upon our homely hill….
You used to say that you were glad when when once its outline rose to view,
only a mile or two to go…but yes, perhaps, a red tail-light…nothing more,
I’m sorry.
Some things that change slip by unseen; the missing kiss before we sleep.
More fateful are our thoughts each day but only when the night is near
do swords hang from the fading sphere, above us in the dead of dreams.
Please wake again, I blame myself, kiss me when your memory stirs.
I’m sorry.
Tectak
2018
Deduced and expanded from a back-seat conversation between an aged long married couple...not related to me but I can see the similarity  ...and before anyone says me paenitet the poem IS the apology. It is a germane expression, but a cliche in English.....
I hope that mitigates the title.
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
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Hey tectak,
I quite like the flow of this poem, and reading it aloud, made me appreciate its sound. I wonder why you choose to put the title in Latin? To me, it doesn't add anything to the poem, but may be I'm missing something. The title is the first thing a reader may see, so I wonder if an English title might grab one's attention more effectively? Just a thought. I'll go into more detail below:
(01-11-2018, 08:50 PM)tectak Wrote: Forgotten music hums in gaps, where once the sharps rang like a bell. -I like how this describes that awkward silence we tend to get in relationships. It's a wonderful first line because it grabs the reader's attention, and it made me want to see where this was going.
In padded cell of aerogel, where click and hiss exist no more, -I googled "aerogel", and I still don't get the image here. May be I'm missing something.
like voices blown in shearing wind, I cannot fill the spaces in; -I like how this line sounds. However, is the repetition of the word "in" intentional? I know it is part of the rhythm, but there should be another reason it is repeated.
so ask again, what did you say? What was that? I missed the word, -I love this line because this is accurate to what can happen in relationships.
I’m sorry. -At first, I didn't like the repetition of "I'm sorry", but after reading the poem a few times, I thought it was appropriate. I wonder if you wanted to have something in Latin, why not use it here and have the title in English? Just a thought.
Can you see that bright red star, right there, above the shadowed pines? -This question reeks of desperation for the speaker. After reading the poem a few times, this seems like such a sad line. As well, the image of the "bright red star" caught my interest and made me want to see where this was going.
Surely, the trees are clear, my love, dusk-drawn upon our homely hill….
You used to say that you were glad when when once its outline rose to view, -One of the reasons this poem works is that I can just imagine the speaker saying all of this, and not being answered, or getting very limited responses. The use of "my love" in the previous line seemed surprising at first, but it is almost ironic because it comes off as sad. This entire stanza is just tight writing. Nicely done.
only a mile or two to go…but yes, perhaps, a red tail-light…nothing more, -I like that the pay off here is that the star is just a tail-light. It mimics the idea here of their love being so mundane as well.
I’m sorry.
Some things that change slip by unseen; the missing kiss before we sleep. -Again, you start this stanza strong. The image of the missing kiss is just potent. You would have to have no heart not to feel anything from this line.
More fateful are our thoughts each day but only when the night is near -To me the word "fateful" doesn't seem to fit. Things don't seem to be going well for the speaker's relationship, so I wonder if there could be a more fitting word?
do swords hang from the fading sphere, above us in the dead of dreams. -I find this line gets a bit sketchy. Wording like "fading sphere" and the "dead of dreams" seems to be trying too hard to be poetic in my opinion.
Please wake again, I blame myself, kiss me when your memory stirs. -I like how this ties back to the first line of this stanza.
I’m sorry.
Tectak
2018
Deduced and expanded from a back-seat conversation between an aged long married couple...not related to me but I can see the similarity...and before anyone says me paenitet the poem IS the apology. It is a germane expression, but a cliche in English.....
I hope that mitigates the title. I think you have a strong first draft here, and I look forward to seeing you take this from here.
Thanks for the read,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Forgotten music hums in gaps, where once the sharps rang like a bell.
In padded cell of aerogel, where click and hiss exist no more, -aerogel is interesting, brings us to ultra-modern times of comfort
like voices blown in shearing wind, I cannot fill the spaces in; -I'm liking click and hiss and thinking it should be so ask again, what did you say? What was that? I missed the word, the intro, it's telling of age, signaling reminiscence that only
I’m sorry. baby boomers and those before might understand.
Can you see that bright red star, right there, above the shadowed pines?
Surely, the trees are clear, my love, dusk-drawn upon our homely hill….
You used to say that you were glad when when once its outline rose to view, -when/when
only a mile or two to go…but yes, perhaps, a red tail-light…nothing more,
I’m sorry.
Some things that change slip by unseen; the missing kiss before we sleep. -tragedy
More fateful are our thoughts each day but only when the night is near -I'd end this line with some punct
do swords hang from the fading sphere, above us in the dead of dreams. -a question mark ending this line
Please wake again, I blame myself, kiss me when your memory stirs.
I’m sorry.
Tectak
I definitely had a visual going on here.
There was some challenge with my posting the critique, a bit of pestilence.
Best wishes for your poem.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(01-19-2018, 12:11 PM)Richard Wrote: Hey tectak,
I quite like the flow of this poem, and reading it aloud, made me appreciate its sound. I wonder why you choose to put the title in Latin? To me, it doesn't add anything to the poem, but may be I'm missing something. The title is the first thing a reader may see, so I wonder if an English title might grab one's attention more effectively? Just a thought. I'll go into more detail below:
(01-11-2018, 08:50 PM)tectak Wrote: Forgotten music hums in gaps, where once the sharps rang like a bell. -I like how this describes that awkward silence we tend to get in relationships. It's a wonderful first line because it grabs the reader's attention, and it made me want to see where this was going.
In padded cell of aerogel, where click and hiss exist no more, -I googled "aerogel", and I still don't get the image here. May be I'm missing something.
like voices blown in shearing wind, I cannot fill the spaces in; -I like how this line sounds. However, is the repetition of the word "in" intentional? I know it is part of the rhythm, but there should be another reason it is repeated.
so ask again, what did you say? What was that? I missed the word, -I love this line because this is accurate to what can happen in relationships.
I’m sorry. -At first, I didn't like the repetition of "I'm sorry", but after reading the poem a few times, I thought it was appropriate. I wonder if you wanted to have something in Latin, why not use it here and have the title in English? Just a thought.
Can you see that bright red star, right there, above the shadowed pines? -This question reeks of desperation for the speaker. After reading the poem a few times, this seems like such a sad line. As well, the image of the "bright red star" caught my interest and made me want to see where this was going.
Surely, the trees are clear, my love, dusk-drawn upon our homely hill….
You used to say that you were glad when when once its outline rose to view, -One of the reasons this poem works is that I can just imagine the speaker saying all of this, and not being answered, or getting very limited responses. The use of "my love" in the previous line seemed surprising at first, but it is almost ironic because it comes off as sad. This entire stanza is just tight writing. Nicely done.
only a mile or two to go…but yes, perhaps, a red tail-light…nothing more, -I like that the pay off here is that the star is just a tail-light. It mimics the idea here of their love being so mundane as well.
I’m sorry.
Some things that change slip by unseen; the missing kiss before we sleep. -Again, you start this stanza strong. The image of the missing kiss is just potent. You would have to have no heart not to feel anything from this line.
More fateful are our thoughts each day but only when the night is near -To me the word "fateful" doesn't seem to fit. Things don't seem to be going well for the speaker's relationship, so I wonder if there could be a more fitting word?
do swords hang from the fading sphere, above us in the dead of dreams. -I find this line gets a bit sketchy. Wording like "fading sphere" and the "dead of dreams" seems to be trying too hard to be poetic in my opinion.
Please wake again, I blame myself, kiss me when your memory stirs. -I like how this ties back to the first line of this stanza.
I’m sorry.
Tectak
2018
Deduced and expanded from a back-seat conversation between an aged long married couple...not related to me but I can see the similarity...and before anyone says me paenitet the poem IS the apology. It is a germane expression, but a cliche in English.....
I hope that mitigates the title. I think you have a strong first draft here, and I look forward to seeing you take this from here.
Thanks for the read,
Richard Hi rich,
First of...thanks for your crit. I guess I should begin at the beginning...but no excuses. I hoped that "My fault, I'm sorry" as a title would work but as I said, it sounded a little cliche'd whereas "Mea culpa ...." has a familiarity but not necessarily the flatness. The spoiler at the end was a mistake on my part. I really should have left it to the reader. Now I know that the poignancy of the piece is missing. I will work on it. Aerogel is like solid air...it doesn't transmit sound very well and looks like fog...I imagined hearing loss was like living in aerogel...mufled and attenuated.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(01-11-2018, 08:50 PM)tectak Wrote: Forgotten music hums in gaps, where once the sharps rang like a bell.
In padded cell of aerogel, where click and hiss exist no more,
like voices blown in shearing wind, I cannot fill the spaces in;
so ask again, what did you say? What was that? I missed the word, i stumbled over rhythm here because i read this with stresses on "say" and the second "what" in the line.. maybe it could be re-phrased. though actually it´s ok, reflecting the interrupted conversation.
I’m sorry.
Can you see that bright red star, right there, above the shadowed pines?
Surely, the trees are clear, my love, dusk-drawn upon our homely hill…. could you write "for sure" instead of "surely" to put the stress on the second syllable?
You used to say that you were glad when when once its outline rose to view,
only a mile or two to go…but yes, perhaps, a red tail-light…nothing more, tried to press it into 8 iambs.. "a little walk... but yes, perhaps a tail-light´s red... and nothing more"
I’m sorry.
Some things that change slip by unseen; the missing kiss before we sleep.
More fateful are our thoughts each day but only when the night is near
do swords hang from the fading sphere, above us in the dead of dreams. i don´t quite understand these 2 lines - when thoughts are fateful by day how is that so different from those nightly damokles swords?
Please wake again, I blame myself, kiss me when your memory stirs. just a minor detail: maybe some other thing instead of kiss.. as it already is in the first line. maybe simply "talk to me when memory stirs?"
I’m sorry.
i like those internal rhymes. and the iambs.
"padded cell of aerogel" did make me think of impaired hearing (before i read your reply to richard, but only after i looked into the wiki article on aerogel)
and the poem also seems to talk about how a couple can become deaf to each other on a non-acoustic plane, too.
alternatively the aerogel would filter out memories of fights and sharp words uttered.. oh, i like that even more.
"please wake again" made me wonder if the wife had died, but then you included the wife in those thoughts over fate and fading dreams and so i imagined her ill, and the husband hoping at her bed.. though "when your memory stirs" doesn´t fit into this interpretation.. doesn´t matter so much, it´s probably just me not getting something.
those little lines of "i´m sorry" at the stanzas´s ends are powerful to me and outweigh all the explanations and defenses.
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