Living / Dying
#1
Mechanisms engaged
ready
loaded
the dark liquid
you isn’t it
you that told me to
never accept
from a stranger?


I decided that I no longer have a stomach for propriety
or sweet and sour candy, you
go fuck yourself
lovely and tell me
it makes me better
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#2
Hey abstractconstriction,
The image of accepting candy from strangers is an interesting one to explore in a poem. I'll go into more detail below:

(01-10-2018, 06:32 PM)abstractconstriction Wrote:  Mechanisms engaged -The beginning seems to set up a machine metaphor, yet you never go back to it. I would suggest coming back to this metaphor at the end of the poem in some way.
ready
loaded
the dark liquid
you isn’t it -This line confused me until I read this stanza about five times. I think adding some punctuation would make this line clearer for the reader.
you that told me to -The "that" here should be a "who", unless it is done intentionally to extend the dark liquid metaphor.
never accept
from a stranger?


I decided that I no longer have a stomach for propriety -I would suggest dropping the idea of propriety and focus on the candy imagery. Let the reader decide how this poem relates to the concept of propriety.
or sweet and sour candy, you
go fuck yourself
lovely and tell me
it makes me better -I find this seems like an angry ending, but I just don't get why the speaker is so angry. Why does the speaker no longer have a stomach for candy? Why do they tell off whoever warned them about taking candy from strangers? To me, it seems like there should be another stanza in the middle of the poem setting up this feeling of rage.
Overall, I think this is worth taking some time to edit. I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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#3
(01-10-2018, 06:32 PM)abstractconstriction Wrote:  Mechanisms engaged
ready
loaded
the dark liquid
you isn’t it  - this is difficult to understand, is something missing? Even with punctuation, I'm finding this line hard to follow
you that told me to
never accept
from a stranger?


I decided that I no longer have a stomach for propriety
or sweet and sour candy, you - like the continuing imagery in reference to candy (following on from 'never accept from a stranger')
go fuck yourself
lovely and tell me - A colloquial 'lovey' in place of lovely may add a little pizazz to this line following from the punchy go fuck yourself?
it makes me better
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