She

[chopblock]

She

She was the reason
for my jealous ways.
She was the reason
for my awestruck gaze.

In the end that all faded
Away.
Far from anything
memorable.

Only separable.

Maybe it was just a first?
Until it became a Second,
Third,
Fourth.

Is it still considered pain
when hurt is everyday?

What draws the dagger line
of a staggered mind,
Never again the same
after
the oxygen left my brain.

What I could have been.
What I should have been.
Excuses are all I'm left with
inside this scarred mind She left Me with.

[ellajam]

Hi, welcome to the site and thank you for the useful critiques you've already given others.

You've chosen a tough subject, very relatable but difficult to put a new spin on. For me you've got a mix of success and failure here. Some notes to think on:

She

She was the reason
for my jealous ways.
She was the reason
for my awestruck gaze.
I like the first two lines, they set the youth or at least emotionally underdeveloped state of the N, placing the onus of their response on their partner. For me the next two lines added nothing, and in addition set up a false pattern for the poem that I don't find adding much.

In the end that all faded
Away.
Far from anything
memorable.
I really like this strophe technically, the breaks are stong and useful in meaning and achieving the slower pace. Again though, is seems an immature view that any subject for a poem isn't memorable, in fact the N is remembering and analyzing. If that's your point, I got there.


Only separable.
I'm okay with the white space here.

Maybe it was just a first?
Until it became a Second,
Third,
Fourth.
I don't think you need the capitalization here, the breaks do their job.

Is it still considered pain
when hurt is everyday?
I think this could be said in a more interesting way.

What draws the dagger line
of a staggered mind,
Never again the same
after
the oxygen left my brain.
While I appreciate dagger/staggered the straight dagger line doesn't jibe with the zigzaging mind in a way that conjures a clear image for me. The next three lines are fun, again a slowing of pace. I would be tempted to bring "after" up but I think you might be right to have it as is.

What I could have been.
What I should have been.
Excuses are all I'm left with
inside this scarred mind She left Me with.

I'd prefer, again, dropping the capitalization again and breaking after "me". But I find the whole last strophe lackluster, a big meh. I'm sure you can do better.

So, you've used some techniques successfully, others not so much. It's clear you've put thought into it but I don't think you're done. I hope you find editing on the site as much fun as I do.

[Richard]

Hey chopblock,
Welcome to the site

I agree with ellajam that you picked a tough subject here. Anything relating to love and hurt is always difficult because so much has already been said about it. I'll go into more detail below:

She -I would suggest coming up with a different title. May be something that communicates more hurt. I find that "She" is just too vague to catch the reader's attention.

She was the reason
for my jealous ways.
She was the reason
for my awestruck gaze. -I would recommend rewriting this without the rhyme. I'm of the mind that if you start with a rhyme scheme, you need to be consistent with it throughout the poem.

In the end that all faded
Away.
Far from anything
memorable.

Only separable.

Maybe it was just a first?
Until it became a Second,
Third,
Fourth.

Is it still considered pain
when hurt is everyday? -I like this question. I wonder how the poem would change if you rearranged it so this stanza was the first one? From there, you could spend the rest of the poem trying to answer and deal with this question. Just a thought.

What draws the dagger line
of a staggered mind,
Never again the same
after -Why is "after" so important that it deserves to be its own line? I feel like the word "same" would be a better choice for a one word line.
the oxygen left my brain.

What I could have been.
What I should have been.
Excuses are all I'm left with -May be try connecting the excuses back to the dagger image? Just a thought.
inside this scarred mind She left Me with.

Overall, I think you have a decent start here. I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[ADUnser]

I like it. It's a very relatable piece and overall well written. Only suggestion I have is too rework the "Is it still considered pain when hurt is everyday?" line. It's a good line itself but I feel like it could be better placed in the poem or maybe that line could be expanded to make it feel more natural.

[AttnAttack]

She

She was the reason
for my jealous ways.
She was the reason                      // Try swapping lines 2 and 4 to see if that changes the way this line is read, or if it changes how you feel.  Try it out. 
for my awestruck gaze.                   

In the end that all faded
Away.                               // this line is anemic.  Away is not a compelling enough word on its own unless you're trying to convey distance, in which case, pick a better word.
Far from anything
memorable.

Only separable.                         // Good use of white space here

Maybe it was just a first?
Until it became a Second,
Third,
Fourth.

Is it still considered pain
when hurt is everyday?                // 'like the one warm spark in the heart of an arctic crystal.”  - Herman Melville.  Look up this quote and you'll see what I mean.                                                                   Consider rewriting this in a creative way; theres a lot of wisdom here that can be said in other ways.

What draws the dagger line
of a staggered mind,
Never again the same
after                                           // Same as before.  After is too anemic to stand on its own.  you could remove this line: works well with white space.
the oxygen left my brain.

What I could have been.
What I should have been.
Excuses are all I'm left with
inside this scarred mind She left Me with.     //  Special emphasis on "She left Me" is enjoyed.  I almost think this is where your enjambments could have come in handy.  Up to you.

[Estefanie.V]

I really liked the rhyming and the way the words flow at the end of most sentences. As others, I also think you would profit more of a different title one that emphasizes a little more the complexity of a frustrated love, perhaps one that emphasizes more the "scarred mind" that you describe at the end? Even though the first stanza is quite simple, I really loved it because it denotes the first state of infatuation, in my opinion "jealous ways" and "awestruck ways" describe exactly this state.

[moot]

She

She was the reason
for my jealous ways.
She was the reason
for my awestruck gaze.

In the end that all faded
Away.
Far from anything
memorable.

Only separable.

Maybe it was just a first?
Until it became a Second,
Third,
Fourth. *Not too sure what is intended here. A first, second, a third of....? *

Is it still considered pain
when hurt is everyday?

What draws the dagger line
of a staggered mind,
Never again the same
after
the oxygen left my brain.

What I could have been.
What I should have been.
Excuses are all I'm left with
inside this scarred mind She left Me with.

Well, I thought this piece to be visceral. Perhaps some of it could be better worded as I found the following a bit conmfusing:

"Maybe it was just a first?

Until it became a Second,
Third,
Fourth".

I thought this piece could work as a song. The grunge kind. Good choice of words. It is creative and as such I thought that this made the poem flow. I do not think I would change a lot.

[yimbus]

I think it’s relatable, and sets a clear tone very well. I think the first stanza is excellent. The second stanza is somewhat discordant from the rest of the poem. It breaks a good flow, and the words aren’t quite as impactful. The third stanza (w/ the question) is good, and I like the ambiguity it has. The next line is great conceptually, and I like it a lot...although sometimes the wording/structure is a bit trippy. The last two stanzas are a strong finish and conclusion.