Constellations

[Dcandy925]

Constellations 

The night above, dark and deep,

constellations bring you a moment of peace. 

The city lights make you dream, 

beyond the boundaries is a life you seek.

Your beautiful mind takes you further away,

to a distant place you can't explain. 

The good, the bad, the sunshine, the rain. 

The future is for you to see, 

you'll have what you want, all that you need.

You're done thinking. Your mind is full.

The dark and deep night above,

there is no sorrow, it's everything you love. 

[Achebe]

Hi Dcandy. For someone starting out (presumably), it's not a bad effort. That said, there are a few things you need to sort out, such as:

1. Cliches - 'dark and deep', 'all that you need'
2. Cliched rhyme - love / above, explain/ rain.
3. Forced inversion (for the sake of rhyme) - 'beyond the boundaries is'

But most importantly, where the poem is lacking is that  it's not clear what it is about 'constellations' that 'bring you a moment of peace'. Now perhaps you are trying to communicate what you feel when you look up at a dark sky and see the belt of Orion glowing, and the milky way streaming out like a thick band in the middle of the sky. So do just that - describe what you see, what it reminds you of, don't say that it 'brings out a moment of peace' because that's abstract and uninteresting.

If I were you, I'd work on making Line 2 meaningful.

[billy]

hi Dcandy. first off, welcome to the site.

on the face of it, it seems okay yet it needs a fair bit of work. mainly it's a poem of abstractions; things that deal with ideas, on rare occasions abstractions work but in general we need to show events [things that actually happen] we can do this through simile or metaphor. watch out for cliches. you have one in the first line, they generally weaken a poem, more so in a first line where you want to grab the readers attention.

Constellations

The night above, dark and deep,
constellations bring you a moment of peace.

The city lights make you dream,
beyond the boundaries is a life you seek.

Your beautiful mind takes you further away,
to a distant place you can't explain.
The good, the bad, the sunshine, the rain.

The future is for you to see,
you'll have what you want, all that you need.

You're done thinking. Your mind is full.

The dark and deep night above,
there is no sorrow, it's everything you love.

[ClaireLou]

Hi, welcome to the site, looking forward to sharing some more of your poetry.

Personally I like cliches & poetry that rhymes, although if I'm to be honest it does have a tendency not to be overly popular, I will draw upon it if it fits, as I don't think its a huge faux pas if done correctly.  However, I would probably try not to include too many Cliches or any within the first verse as this is what draws people into the poem initially & you want the words used in this area to be from your own heart not that of others.

Overall though to me a poem needs to try to ensure that the people reading it can see what you want them to see using your words to give it imagery, movement & life.  

With your poem I like the overall idea but feel that you need to go deeper with it, try to imagine yourself lying on a bank, looking up at the stars:

What do you see?
How do you feel?
What is your heart telling you?

Then go from there.

[JMannUK]

Hey there, I like the overall feel of the poem; lying down in a moment of peace and staring up into the night sky.

However the content of the poem is too vague for my liking - I prefer more focused poems but hey that's just a personal preference of mine. In this case if you're trying to get across the idea of 'a wandering mind', it would be cool to also get across the emotions of that mind - what is your desired future? Are you worried about that future? Are you optimistic?

I do like your rhymes though! They make the read much smoother.

[Mopkins]

realise i'm a wee bit late here but what the heck

Constellations

The night above, dark and deep,
constellations bring you a moment of peace.

(little uneven love, you've got 6 syllables in the first line, then 11 in the next - it's a little odd like that.... also a moment of peace is yawnish - maybe 'constellations bring you the celestial/cosmic/consecration, and dark and deep is snorey - perhaps 'embellished/studded/sequined/blinged')

The city lights make you dream,
beyond the boundaries is a life you seek.

(zzzz city lights - 'boulevarde brightness/ street spotlights/ jungle lanterns'? 'beyond the boundaries 'sigh 'outside the existing/far from formalised/afar from the ordinary'? 'life you seek' snorealot 'imagined eden/pictured paradise/ le joi de vivre'?)

Your beautiful mind takes you further away,
to a distant place you can't explain.
The good, the bad, the sunshine, the rain.
(beautiful mind is going to remind everyone of schizophrenia- dreaming/fantasies/fiction/wish-fullness' zzz distant place - 'shangri-la/ zion/avalon/utopia/elysium)

The future is for you to see,
you'll have what you want, all that you need.
(future for u to see - zzzz the spell will alight/the prophecy will fulfill/the hope will be heavensent'?)

You're done thinking. Your mind is full.

The dark and deep night above,
there is no sorrow, it's everything you love.

(u may get away with dark and deep night here, but i'd only stick it once)

not bad but could do with less of yesterdays leftovers and a bit of sprinkles of somefing salty and spicy cheers for the view thru ur telescope)

[illuminations]

I think It's deceptively profound.
Before cities we drew our meanings from constellations
then we made cities and artificial light
which made us drowsy
and now when we see those lights
they represent our hopes and dreams
and now when we see those constellations
they remind us unconsciously of simpler times.

Unfortunately It's addled with errors, rendering it more of an abstract telling than a poem. I think you need to clarify more than anything, because if you can't explain to yourself precisely what you're trying to say, you'll end up smashing words and images together, which isn't always a bad thing if you can do it 'well,'
(and because poetry relies so heavily on structure and form, such a well can and does indeed exist.)

In the meantime, I recommend rewriting this poem several times on paper. Ask yourself what you're trying to say, and ignore everything else. Write it out as a sentence if you have to. The more you know about something, the likelier you are to find connections elsewhere to make the poem more engaging.

It looks like you're trying to contrast a primitive human dream to a contemporary achievement or something like that.
It seems to me to be a rather optimistic poem.

"Your beautiful mind takes you further away,
to a distant place you can't explain."
This makes me think of that unclear place in our minds responsible for the thoughts and feelings to which we assign the various symbols of language

"The good, the bad, the sunshine, the rain."
There is indeed something very poetic about people and their relationship with nature - but what is it that you've observed, I wonder?

Constellations are just stars arranged in a way we saw patterns in, so maybe you're saying that people can find beauty in anything.
Perhaps It's not such an optimistic poem after all, since that seems to drift more into absurdity.

I look forward to seeing where you take this piece.
Go with clarity.

[sarahfrance]

My biggest suggestion would be use of more imagery and poetic language (smilies, metaphors, etc.). Personification could do really well in the context of this poem as the night sky or the constellations themselves as entities. Furthermore, rhyme is great - but it's important to break up the stanzas with other vocabulary. It helps the poem flow in a way that isn't so stale. Otherwise, nice job.

[__rat__]

Very nice. The poem is quite descriptive, very visual. I have two suggestions. 
The first is meter: while you may not like it,  when reading a poem out loud, a meter and rhythm gives it extra punch. That is just my opinion though. 
The second is consistancy: try to have every line relate to the first in some way. I you are using lots of visuals,  they should be similar and frequent.  An easy way to do this would be puns, eg: through cold nights I gaze at the sky and remember the starlight that's in your eyes. Not every line has to be like that,  but sprinkling it in helps.

[PoetryWheel]

Thank you for the poem,

The heart of your poem had me reading it over and over. It puts me in a meditative space when I read it and I can almost picture it. I think you could make it even stronger with the suggestions you've got here.

the two suggestions I will give are removing sentence fragments and comma splices from your last two stanzas.

The future is for you to see, 

you'll have what you want, all that you need.


The future is for you to see;

You'll have what you want,

All that you need.

in the second case, there is a contraction of it is that would avoid the sentence fragment but would make it confusing as to what the 'it' is referencing. Is 'it' referencing sorrow or the night? 

The dark and deep night above,

there is no sorrow, it's everything you love. 


the dark and deep night above,
there is no sorrow,
is everything you love.

again, thank you for the experience and I hope you continue getting better,

[Lavieboheme]

I like the image your are portaiying. If it was me (but what do i know) id probably try to make it a bit shorter or more to the point, i felt a bit lost in time here. And maybe the critic about syllables would be a good start also. Good luck. Its beautiful.

[elektric_timewarp]

I want to start by saying how lovely this piece is. I felt a connection with your words and correlation with the 'constellations', your reference of feeling at peace is something I also connect with.

I am new to this site and after reading many other comments on various poems, it helped me tremendously to not only improve my own work but to recognize areas in others poems that could use improvement.

With your piece,  I honestly wouldnt change anything you have already written. I would maybe consider adding another line describing the feeling of 'peace' you feel from star gazing. It will capture more of a mental image of what you are feeling. This will allow the reader to connect more with what it is your poem is expressing.

Best of luck! I truly enjoyed this

[moot]

Constellations 

The night above, dark and deep,

constellations bring you a moment of peace. 

The city lights make you dream, 

beyond the boundaries is a life you seek.

Your beautiful mind takes you further away,

to a distant place you can't explain. 

The good, the bad, the sunshine, the rain. 

The future is for you to see, 

you'll have what you want, all that you need.

You're done thinking. Your mind is full.

The dark and deep night above,

there is no sorrow, it's everything you love. 

I liked the imagery that this work evokes.
I thought this worked as the poem is  clear
and is not over complicated with unnecessary
flowery words.

I thought this work used metaphor quite well....

*Your beautiful mind takes you further away,

to a distant place you can't explain. 

The good, the bad, the sunshine, the rain. *

'The sunshine, the rain'. I really liked this part of the poem.
The feeling intended is tangible yet not overstated overwork the piece.

[moot]

Constellations 

The night above, dark and deep,

constellations bring you a moment of peace. 

The city lights make you dream, 

beyond the boundaries is a life you seek.

Your beautiful mind takes you further away,

to a distant place you can't explain. 

The good, the bad, the sunshine, the rain. 

The future is for you to see, 

you'll have what you want, all that you need.

You're done thinking. Your mind is full.

The dark and deep night above,

there is no sorrow, it's everything you love. 

I liked the imagery that this work evokes.
I thought this worked as the poem is  clear
and is not over complicated with unnecessary
flowery words.

I thought this work used metaphor quite well....

*Your beautiful mind takes you further away,

to a distant place you can't explain. 

The good, the bad, the sunshine, the rain. *

'The sunshine, the rain'. I really liked this part of the poem.
The feeling intended is tangible yet not overstated overwork the piece.

[yimbus]

Overall I like it, however parts seem cliche. I think the imagery you use is very well done, and you used some metaphors very nicely. There are some deeper meanings included as well. Content wise it is excellent, it just could use some trimming here and there with wording and vocab in my opinion. “Dark and deep” is okay, but I think your ideas could be further expressed with more advanced and thought-provoking word choice