Mood - Edit 2
#1
Inspired


When that mood manifests
  each blazing view attests
to shocking beauty of
  Autumn alight.

Dead leaves brush painterly
  in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize,
  drowning our sight.

Is it one’s mood that makes
  tree-chaff a scene that wakes
awe at its majesty,
  hymns of delight?

Or does that minstrel mood
  kindle as attitude
by chance of circumstance
  when the scene's right?




edit1;

When that mood manifests,
    every thing attests
to shocking beauty of
    Autumn alight.

Dead leaves go painterly
    in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize,
    drowning our sight.

Is it one’s mood that makes
    tree-chaff a scene that wakes
awe at its majesty,
    hymns of delight?

Or does that minstrel mood
    kindle as attitude
by chance of circumstance
    when the scene's right?

original version;

Mood


When that Mood manifests,
    every thing attests
to shocking beauty of
    all that's in sight.

Dead leaves go painterly
    in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize
    with all our might.

Is it this Mood that makes
    dead things a scene that wakes
feelings of majesty,
    awe and delight?

Or does that fickle Mood
    form in our solitude
born out of happenstance
    when the scene's right?
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#2
Hi Dukealien,

There were some nice images in this piece—“dead leaves go painterly / in drifts of color” in particular jumped out at me—and, though the meter felt off in places, I loved the cadence of the sight/might rhyme. That said, I felt that this poem was weighed down by abstraction. I’m not sure what “the mood” refers to, and of course that’s central to the piece. “Shocking beauty” is supported by “shows”—the aforementioned image of dead leaves—but “majesty, awe, and delight” are left to stand alone, without concrete images to make the adjectives ring true.

I’m not an expert on meter—to the contrary, I struggle with it—but you might consider scanning your poem to map out the meter as you approach revisions? The cadence, as I mentioned above, felt off in places.

Good luck!
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#3
I was hoping to be left with a profound sense of the Mood by the end of the poem, but I didn't get it. The first two stanzas had great promise, but then it becomes too abstract. I would be wary of formatting the last two stanzas as questions - this will cause confusion for your readers, especially if the questions are subjective and abstract to begin with. I also don't know if the second "dead" works, it seems a bit redundant. For some reason this poem reminds me of Sartre's Nausea, but in reverse. I want to know more about this "Mood" and think you are on to something here!
"Self-knowledge is no guarantee of happiness, but it is on the side of happiness and can supply the courage to fight for it." - Simone de Beauvoir 
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#4
I'm intrigued by the opening of this poem.  It is a very inviting stanza and indicates to me that you will take me on a journey into your psyche, accompanied by entertaining meter and imagery. 

Were the opening lines of this poem something that came to you and inspired the rest of the poem, or was it this 'mood' that inspired you to write?...Just curious. 

I question the choice of using "painterly" in the first line of the second stanza.  I think the word is appropriate in terms of its definition, but it doesn't settle well with me on an aural level (even though it rhymes). While I cannot come up with a better idea, perhaps the first two lines of the second stanza can be reworded, but keep the same image that I find to be very enjoyable because of the motion it adds to the poem.  I definitely hope you keep this image in your poem.  Without the image of the leaves, it would just be a still scene. While the text deals with death, I like the juxtaposition of motion and stillness.  

As an experiment, try putting this poem into a strict form (perhaps a villanelle?). It might stretch your brain to come up with some really musical lines, as well as pull out details that may make this poem less abstract.
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#5
I enjoyed the read,
I also think your word choices fit the poem .
The content is interesting and relate-able in that we usually see things a certain way according to the mood we are in.
My only nit is the S3 in needs clarification, don't get how ...it is this mood that makes dead things a scene that wakes a feeling of majesty??? takes me way off the point.
Other than that.
Nice work
Best
Linda
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#6
Hey Duke,
I like some of your imagery in this piece. However, I do have some thoughts:

(12-15-2017, 01:10 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Mood -I would suggest coming up with a different title. The word "Mood" is in the poem three times, so I don't think it needs the extra emphasis of being the title as well.


When that Mood manifests, -It caught my eye that "Mood" was capitalized. However, after reading the poem a few times, I'm sort of at a loss as to why you did that. The word is repeated three times in the poem, so I don't think it needs to be capitalized.
    every thing attests
to shocking beauty of
    all that's in sight. -The last two lines in this stanza are a bit a vague. I know you give a specific image in the next stanza. I just wonder if there is a way to be more specific here. May be think about merging these two stanzas? I don't know how that would influence your meter and rhyme.

Dead leaves go painterly
    in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize -I like the first three lines of this stanza. I usually don't like rhymes, but I appreciated that rhyme of "painterly" and "we". As well, the image of the dead leaves works well for what you're trying to communicate with this poem.
    with all our might. -I feel like this line could be cut because it doesn't add much.

Is it this Mood that makes
    dead things a scene that wakes -I know you didn't want to say "dead leaves" again, but I would suggest using a different word than "things".
feelings of majesty,
    awe and delight? -I would suggest picking one of these feelings and exploring it more. It seems to me like you're only scratching the surface here.

Or does that fickle Mood
    form in our solitude
born out of happenstance
    when the scene's right? -I like that you end on a question. It's worth thinking about, and gives the poem an effective ending.
I hope I wasn't too critical here. I think you have a good first draft, and I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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#7
Hey duke,
'dead leaves go painterly' is a bit of a standout line.

I think you could trim this a little (see below)
and I'd also suggest rephrasing,
to have each stanza pose a question.
If you can find a way to avoid the
repetition of thing(s) that would help too.

A cut and paste suggestion:
When that Mood manifests,
every thing attests
to shocking beauty of
all that's in sight.

Dead leaves go painterly
in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize
with all our might.

Is it this Mood that makes
dead things a scene that wakes
feelings of majesty,
awe and delight?

Or does that fickle Mood
form in our solitude [fickle]
born out of happenstance
when the scene's right?
(Sorry about the loss of rhyme here Smile)

Best, Knot
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#8
(12-15-2017, 01:10 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Mood


When that Mood manifests,
    every thing attests
to shocking beauty of
    all that's in sight.

Dead leaves go painterly
    in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize
    with all our might.

Is it this Mood that makes
    dead things a scene that wakes                     not sure about dead used twice
feelings of majesty,
    awe and delight?

Or does that fickle Mood
    form in our solitude
born out of happenstance
    when the scene's right?                                 good question, I see the word panoramic, but it's just me



Not to be knocking anybody or anything, but this is the best poem drifting around here in awhile, worth coming back to over and over. It is well worded in wisdom and quite the genius, can fit to two different types of readers in its subtlety. I like the structure of the stanzas, too. This is a tough subject and was touched on very cleverly.

thanks for the read

nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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#9
(12-15-2017, 01:10 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Mood


When that Mood manifests,
    every thing attests
to shocking beauty of                        oh, i love "shocking beauty".  
    all that's in sight.

Dead leaves go painterly               maybe replace "dead" because it´s repeated in the next stanza.
 it´s probably a strange idea, but how about "dead leaves float painterly/ in radiant melodies" or some other musical verb/ adjective to connect the image of the leaves to rhapsodize?  somehow i´d prefer 1st person singular instead of plural.
    in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize
    with all our might.

Is it this Mood that makes
    dead things a scene that wakes
feelings of majesty,                      "a sentiment" instead of "feelings" for rhythm?
    awe and delight?

Or does that fickle Mood                 "fickle" is a good word.. not so happy with "or", because it´s not either - or. maybe something like "that fickle mood /would sometimes form in solitude,/ from  happenstance, just as /the scene is right"
    form in our solitude
born out of happenstance
    when the scene's right?

sorry for making some intrusive suggestions, maybe part of it is useful.
...
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#10
edit1;

Inspired


When that mood manifests,
    every thing attests
to shocking beauty of
    Autumn alight.

Dead leaves go painterly
    in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize,
    drowning our sight.

Is it one’s mood that makes
    tree-chaff a scene that wakes
awe at its majesty,
    hymns of delight?

Or does that minstrel mood
    kindle as attitude
by chance of circumstance
    when the scene's right?


Sincere thanks to all the critics.  The above revision doesn't address the critiques of @vagabond and @nibbed, hope the changes have not ruined anything they particularly liked.

I've stuck to the rhyme and metric scheme, though appreciating the advice to change either or both.

Though I didn't notice when writing the first draft, this is more lyric than anything else - can even be sung to an abbreviated form of a well-known national anthem. Wink 

As to the use of questions, I've retained the Socratic method while trying to add a little verbal sparkle - as several suggested.  This was, frankly, the least bad of several recent works, hence best for critique and improvement.  The interest is gratifying and appreciated.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#11
Come on Duke,

Center justify is for little old ladies' coffee table books with poems that read "Friendship is a mighty ship." Ugh)

"As to the use of questions, I've retained the Socratic method" which is for philosophical dialog, not poetry.

Sorry just ran across this old poem of yours and couldn't resist.

Hugs and kisses,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#12
When that mood manifests,
    every thing attests
to shocking beauty of
    Autumn alight.

Dead leaves go painterly
    in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize,
    drowning our sight.

Is it one’s mood that makes
    tree-chaff a scene that wakes
awe at its majesty,
    hymns of delight?

Or does that minstrel mood
    kindle as attitude
by chance of circumstance
    when the scene's right?



First off, that's an interesting question you pose.  The poem pushes me to have an answer, and then I go back to the poem again to find it.  Unusual effect for me.

My main gripe is the first stanza; I think it's that second line doesn't seem up to the level of the other lines.  everything suggests?  I don't know. 

Also a bit hesitant about "painterly".  

Last two stanzas are perfecto.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#13
(12-15-2017, 01:10 AM)dukealien Wrote:  Inspired


When that mood manifests,
    every thing attests
to shocking beauty of
    Autumn alight.

Dead leaves go painterly
    in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize,
    drowning our sight.

Is it one’s mood that makes
    tree-chaff a scene that wakes
awe at its majesty,
    hymns of delight?

Or does that minstrel mood
    kindle as attitude
by chance of circumstance
    when the scene's right?


Mood


When that Mood manifests,
    every thing attests
to shocking beauty of
    all that's in sight.

Dead leaves go painterly
    in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize
    with all our might.

Is it this Mood that makes
    dead things a scene that wakes
feelings of majesty,
    awe and delight?

Or does that fickle Mood
    form in our solitude
born out of happenstance
    when the scene's right?

I love your employment of trimeter?here; it is quite effective and lends itself to the profundity of the work. As others have cited, this is the grandest poem I have encountered in some time. The use of dimeter in the fourth line of each stanza is a great release........Stanzas 3 and 4 are the most powerful for me, as it poses a universal question as to mood
in general: do we impose our mood upon the landscape, or are our moods labile and pliable to the "happenstance" of the landscape? I will definitely consult more of your work!
Thanks for sharing this gem.
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#14
edit2;


When that mood manifests
  each blazing view attests
to shocking beauty of
  Autumn alight.

Dead leaves brush painterly
  in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize,
  drowning our sight.

Is it one’s mood that makes
  tree-chaff a scene that wakes
awe at its majesty,
  hymns of delight?

Or does that minstrel mood
  kindle as attitude
by chance of circumstance
  when the scene's right?




Thanks to all critics, including those who just liked it  big hug .  In this edit, I've specifically tackled the two areas @TranquilityBase noted (accurately) as weak.  I did hang on to "painterly," though.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#15
.
Hi duke,
good to read this again; like the revision except for S2/L4 - not getting 'drowning our sight' at all (might 'wash' for 'brush' help?)


Best, Knot


.
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