The Girl in the Mirror

[Lydish]

Dear china-girl, 
I met you in an alleyway 
when your despondency soaked the sheets,
salted the air.
The scent sprawled out like a painting
“draw me like one of your french girls”
except for the fact that I could see
the hills rolling down your body.
At least cover yourself in sheets.
Disgusting;
I left and
never looked back.
You are the mirror I cracked
when I showered
until my skin blistered
and the hair splintered from my scalp.
I abandoned you.
But you were reborn
into my shadow. 
Is this your revenge?
China-girl let go.

[dukealien]

Dear china-girl, 
I met you in an alleyway 
when your despondency soaked the sheets,
salted the air.
The scent sprawled out like a painting  "Your" instead of "the" here?
“draw me like one of your french girls” opaque for those who didn't see "Titanic" (or the many parody pics)
except for the fact that I could see is "for the fact" needed?
the hills rolling down your body. ...and is "the" needed here?
At least cover yourself in sheets.
Disgusting;
I left and
never looked back.
You are the mirror I cracked Good use of "the" here, but could it be "a" instead?
when I showered
until my skin blistered
and the hair splintered from my scalp. is "the" needed?
I abandoned you.
But you were reborn
into my shadow.  "as" rather than "into," or do you really mean as a new part of that shadow?
Is this your revenge?
China-girl let go. comma or exclamation points here?  "China-girl!  Let go!"

Up front, must admit I only caught L6 being a reference from the quotation marks and had to look it up.  Is the title/motif also a reference to David Bowie's song?  At least your signature was in my inventory (from "Slaughterhouse-Five").

In addition/explanation to the suggestions above, you might consider placing all uses of "the" under suspicion.  It can almost always be replaced by a descriptive word, or nothing, unless it's truly unique - the one, the only in existence.

The mood is well established, with effective images.  I don't get the *exact* story or interpretation of each phrase, but the impression is strong.  Very expressive.

[paperbagprincess]

"The scent sprawled out like a painting" you have a large variety of amazing metaphors/similes in your poem but this one just doesn't seem to work. The first part is great but it looses its touch with the "like a painting". Maybe try using something different to compare it to.
"i left and
never looked back" The layout of these two lines look awkward. Try combining them "i left and never looked back" or re-aranging e.g.
"i left
and never looked back"
My only other suggestion would be to put a break in the very last line. "china-girl let go" instead try something like "china-girl, let go".
This is an amazing poem and the message goes very deep. I enjoyed reading this one.

[Lydish]

Dear china-girl, 
I met you in an alleyway 
when your despondency soaked the sheets,
salted the air.
The scent sprawled out like a painting  "Your" instead of "the" here?
“draw me like one of your french girls” opaque for those who didn't see "Titanic" (or the many parody pics)
except for the fact that I could see is "for the fact" needed?
the hills rolling down your body. ...and is "the" needed here?
At least cover yourself in sheets.
Disgusting;
I left and
never looked back.
You are the mirror I cracked Good use of "the" here, but could it be "a" instead?
when I showered
until my skin blistered
and the hair splintered from my scalp. is "the" needed?
I abandoned you.
But you were reborn
into my shadow.  "as" rather than "into," or do you really mean as a new part of that shadow?
Is this your revenge?
China-girl let go. comma or exclamation points here?  "China-girl!  Let go!"

Up front, must admit I only caught L6 being a reference from the quotation marks and had to look it up.  Is the title/motif also a reference to David Bowie's song?  At least your signature was in my inventory (from "Slaughterhouse-Five").

In addition/explanation to the suggestions above, you might consider placing all uses of "the" under suspicion.  It can almost always be replaced by a descriptive word, or nothing, unless it's truly unique - the one, the only in existence.

The mood is well established, with effective images.  I don't get the *exact* story or interpretation of each phrase, but the impression is strong.  Very expressive.

Hi dukealien,

It really wasn't a purposeful reference to David Bowie, but it does actually fit. I also didn't mean to reference Slaughterhouse-Five. Whoops! Although that reminds me that I should reread that book.

I'll definitely reexamine my usage of "the" when doing my next edit. I do have a tendency to try and emphasize with "the" instead of using stronger words.

Thanks for your feedback!

Lydish

---

"The scent sprawled out like a painting" you have a large variety of amazing metaphors/similes in your poem but this one just doesn't seem to work. The first part is great but it looses its touch with the "like a painting". Maybe try using something different to compare it to.
"i left and
never looked back"    The layout of these two lines look awkward. Try combining them "i left and never looked back" or re-aranging e.g.
"i left
and never looked back"
My only other suggestion would be to put a break in the very last line. "china-girl let go" instead try something like "china-girl, let go".
This is an amazing poem and the message goes very deep. I enjoyed reading this one.

Thanks paperbagprincess for the feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed the poem, and will take your comments into account on my next edit for sure!

Lydish

[Richard]

Hey Lydish,
I like the tone here. I do have some thoughts though:

Dear china-girl, 
I met you in an alleyway 
when your despondency soaked the sheets, -For some reason I just can't wrap my head around this. Is this some sort of reference to sweat? I'm probably missing something.
salted the air.
The scent sprawled out like a painting -I like this simile, and wonder if you could expand upon it a bit. What colour is the painting?
“draw me like one of your french girls” -May be put this in italics to solve some of the grammar issues with this line.
except for the fact that I could see
the hills rolling down your body.
At least cover yourself in sheets. -Is the repetition of "sheets" intentional?
Disgusting; -I wonder if you need this line. The reader gets that the speaker is disgusted, so I don't think it needs to be said directly.
I left and
never looked back.
You are the mirror I cracked -I quite like this metaphor. It shows the speaker's self-loathing nicely.
when I showered
until my skin blistered
and the hair splintered from my scalp. -These three lines effectively convey how disgusted the speaker truly is.
I abandoned you.
But you were reborn
into my shadow. -Strong image. I would suggest ending on this and cutting the next two lines.
Is this your revenge?
China-girl let go.

Overall, I think you have a nice first draft here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Cheers,
Richard