Romantic Ideals (explicit language)

[Nabbit]

Romantic Ideals

If only I had a man so sweet
as the dog shit beneath my feet.

How long he'd cling to my sole
doodyful in his fervent hold

that may be enough for me.

[Richard]

Hey Nabbit,
Welcome to the site  

I actually like what you're going for here. However, I feel like the rhyme and some of the language choices hurt the tone of the poem. The main metaphor of the poem seems dark, where as the language and rhyming makes it seem too light for my liking. I'll go into more detail below:

Romantic Ideals

If only I had a man so sweet -Why "so sweet"? This feels like it's worded that way just for the rhythm.
as the dog shit beneath my feet. -Why "beneath"? Again, this feels like a word choice based on rhythm.

How long he'd cling to my sole -I wonder if you could play around with using "soul" instead of "sole"? Just a thought.
doodyful in his fervent hold

that may be enough for me. -I quite like the enjambment of this line. It deserves the extra emphasis, and this is an intriguing line to end with.

I would be curious to see this poem done without the rhyming, but there are probably others who would disagree with this thought. I look forward to seeing where you go from here with this piece.

Cheers,
Richard

[Lydish]

Romantic Ideals

If only I had a man so sweet
as the dog shit beneath my feet.

How long he'd cling to my sole
doodyful in his fervent hold

that may be enough for me.

I like how natural the couplets are, and the image is pretty funny but clear. 

I do think dutiful might be better than spelling it doodyful. It still gets the point across, but I don't get stuck on the funny spelling. 

The last line feels a slight bit redundant, or maybe too long, to me. I would prefer something like "That would be enough". Short but sweet.

Welcome to the site!

[RiverNotch]

Romantic Ideals 

If only I had a man so sweet
as the dog shit beneath my feet. A little iffy regarding the rhythm of "dog shit" -- I read it as a spondee, rather than the necessary iamb.

How long he'd cling to my sole
doodyful in his fervent hold Agreed with earlier notes that "dutiful" gets the point across. Also, missing punctuation, especially in a piece that's meant to make piss of serious things -- perhaps the glorious em dash?

that may be enough for me. The title doesn't quite nab me, either -- maybe something more scatological.

[Nabbit]

Sorry for necroing this.

I like how natural the couplets are, and the image is pretty funny but clear. 

I do think dutiful might be better than spelling it doodyful. It still gets the point across, but I don't get stuck on the funny spelling. 

The last line feels a slight bit redundant, or maybe too long, to me. I would prefer something like "That would be enough". Short but sweet.

Welcome to the site!

Thanks for the critique. I agree with you on doodyful, it is very forced. xD I was debating whether to go that route or stick with dutiful. The last line was written the way it was to rhyme with the first two.

Romantic Ideals 

If only I had a man so sweet
as the dog shit beneath my feet. A little iffy regarding the rhythm of "dog shit" -- I read it as a spondee, rather than the necessary iamb.

How long he'd cling to my sole
doodyful in his fervent hold Agreed with earlier notes that "dutiful" gets the point across. Also, missing punctuation, especially in a piece that's meant to make piss of serious things -- perhaps the glorious em dash?

that may be enough for me. The title doesn't quite nab me, either -- maybe something more scatological.

I'm really new to poetry. I don't know what spondee means and how to use punctuation in poetry. Do you know of any good resources that I can read online?

Thanks for the critique!

[RiverNotch]

It's not necro if it's your post.

As for prosody, I found this super helpful:
http://www.the-rathouse.com/files/prosody.pdf

which, in turn, is linked to here:
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-10501...ht=prosody