As alive as it needs to be - Edit 1

[ritwiksadhu33]

As alive as it needs to be - Edit 1

 
A man came out of the story -
the leaves covered him, and the light was
scattered in the evening.
"My garden is overgrown," he wailed,
"yet not as alive as it needs to be."
Only the bushes, birds and flowers believed him, 
the conversation playing out in their mind
like an almost familiar song.

Here, things scramble into existence
and run after other things, 
blitzing through the air.

We have captured an instant and call it imitation -
Imitation, as alive as it needs to be, an art
of being others: being at many places,
or many places becoming one.

The grass grows over memories left out.
One day we will hide there.
The forest is but a name 
for things we don’t know, but as alive
As it needs to be.


As alive as it needs to be
 
A man came out of the story
The leaves covered him and the light was
scattered in the evening
My garden is overgrown, he wailed,
But he wasn’t as alive as he needed to be.
Only the bushes believed him, the birds,
and flowers, the conversation playing out in their mind.
Here, things run after other things, blitzing through the air
so they have body
Essential oils are floating on the surface
We have captured an instant and call it imitation.
Imitation as alive as it needs to be, an art
Of being others: being at many places
Many places being one.
The grass grows over things left out.
One day we will hide here.
The forest is but a name
for things we don’t know, but as alive
As it needs to be.

[yimbus]

As alive as it needs to be
 
A man came out of the story
The leaves covered him and the light was
scattered in the evening  --> maybe put a period here?
My garden is overgrown, he wailed,
But he wasn’t as alive as he needed to be.  
Only the bushes believed him, the birds,
and flowers, the conversation playing out in their mind. 
Here, things run after other things, blitzing through the air
so they have body  -> this part is messy to me, not sure I understand it
Essential oils are floating on the surface 
We have captured an instant and call it imitation.
Imitation as alive as it needs to be, an art
Of being others: being at many places 
Many places being one.
The grass grows over things left out.
One day we will hide here.  ---> i like the concept, but this wording doesn't seem to work well, in my opinion. I would keep flow/rhythm going instead of using the choppy sentences for multiples lines in a row, or at least make them more impactful if you want to keep that format
The forest is but a name
for things we don’t know, but as alive
As it needs to be.

The structure is awkward to me in spots. There are a lot of periods and capital letters that I'm not sure if they belong. I would try to limit capital letters to points of emphasis, and the beginning of a sentence. Make sure you are adding commas/periods where you want a pause. It took me several reads to try to get it flowing smoothly. Just try to restructure it around. 

Overall, I really like the concept and meaning of the poem. It gave some good imagery, but could perhaps use a bit more descriptiveness. I enjoyed it but think it could be very good if you could rework it a bit as I mentioned above.

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi yimbus,

this part is messy to me, not sure I understand it

Coffee reference.

The structure is awkward to me in spots. There are a lot of periods and capital letters that I'm not sure if they belong. I would try to limit capital letters to points of emphasis, and the beginning of a sentence.

Have to look into that. Thanks for the review!

[tectak]

As alive as it needs to be
 
A man came out of the storyGood start. By not defining we anticipate an explanation. "Drawn in" is the expression
The leaves covered him and the light was..."covered him and the light"? or..perhaps "...covered him, and the light was scattered..."
scattered in the eveningPunctuate to clarity. You are doing yourself a dis-service because of inconsistency. Readers will think you do not because you cannot.
My garden is overgrown, he wailed,Quote marks. He may have wailed but THAT is speech.
But he wasn’t as alive as he needed to be.But me no buts...there is no conditionality to warrant the contra. There is no but about it. Omit the word and use punctuation. 
Only the bushes believed him, the birds,
and flowers, the conversation playing out in their mind.Awkward sentence structure. Like a train with the engine in the middle you are pushing and pulling at the same time. "Only the bushes, birds and flowers believed him. The conversation played out in their mindS.(OK, anthropomorphising bushes, birds and flowers may just work...but it is not a good habit to get in to unless you are a pretender to metaphysics) 
Here, things run after other things, blitzing through the airNo, no , no. I realise that mild crit is what you are after but how to say that this line is threadbare...er...mildly? Where is here? If we knew that then we could envisage, perhaps, what "things" are liable to be blitzing about getting body...better yet, you could show us using imagery, metaphor asnd..asnd...well, you get the idea. Things chase things? Sheesh...
so they have bodyWhy do they have body because they blitzed? Why does a mouse when it spins? The answer to these, and other questions.... 
Essential oils are floating on the surface
We have captured an instant and call it imitation.There is something good here. I wish you would work on it...or at the very least punctuate it. You really are a metaphysical poet...er...nearly. This striving to understand reality is complex. It defeats the best philosophers and drives some poets mad. Sadly, poetry and what is quintessentially, these days, a scientific monopoly, just do not readily mix...they are essentially oil and water. Seriously now, this poem...devoid as it is of metre, rhyme and worthy punctuation...is an extended metaphor for something. I do not know what, but suspect you are going to tell me later. Could you not do so in the poem? 
Imitation as alive as it needs to be, an artBack to the core issue but what is it? If you were to translate this for me I would ask you to write out the translation and scrap the poem. That is not a derisory suggestion. It is what we all do...it is called communication. 
Of being others: being at many places
Many places being one.Entanglement...oh, to be a proton, now that summer's here...there...and everywhere.
The grass grows over things left out.
One day we will hide here.I am not up to translating this and I find the out-dated capitalising of every ( or worse, random) line  a distraction and an irritant. It further complicates what I feel is a very good "thought". Frankly, I think you have failed yourself more than the reader...only you can correct the one....and I the other. Your poem.
The forest is but a name
for things we don’t know, but as alive
As it needs to be.Damn it...this stanza is so nearly a poem in its own right. I would make this the opener and just expand on it. The man who came out of the story did, after all, come late. 

If I read this right it is a miracle of comprehension...If  have it wrong it's your fault....but we are both forgiven.
Best, 
tectak

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi tectak,
The basic theme of the poem is somebody exploring his own mind. Sadly, as happens often happens when I tackle ideas that are too complicated, it is a potpourri of styles that don't really go together. I'll try to edit it in keeping with suggestions made by yimbus and you, but it might be hard to make it better given the structure: I'll probably have to write afresh on this idea sometime later. Thanks for reading and commenting!

[tectak]

Hi tectak,
               The basic theme of the poem is somebody exploring his own mind. Sadly, as happens often happens when I tackle ideas that are too complicated, it is a potpourri of styles that don't really go together. I'll try to edit it in keeping with suggestions made by yimbus and you, but it might be hard to make it better given the structure: I'll probably have to write afresh on this idea sometime later. Thanks for reading and commenting!

Good egg...but I don't believe you lf true, however, yimbus will be of great help.
Best,

tectak

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi tectak,
               The basic theme of the poem is somebody exploring his own mind. Sadly, as happens often happens when I tackle ideas that are too complicated, it is a potpourri of styles that don't really go together. I'll try to edit it in keeping with suggestions made by yimbus and you, but it might be hard to make it better given the structure: I'll probably have to write afresh on this idea sometime later. Thanks for reading and commenting!

Good egg...but I don't believe you lf true, however, yimbus will be of great help.
Best,

tectak

I do try to be as polite as I can on online forums. A man's got to stick out somehow.  Have edited it, though.