Galatea

[RiverNotch]

Galatea


I can't stare into your smiling face and think
that I should never conjure up a face
as vivid as yours with words alone, or even
stone -- perhaps I need

to ask for the Lord's forgiveness,
to feed on the fruit the dove selects,
to learn the vital art of description
and not fall into the old obsessions

(out of the remnants of shooting stars, Pygmalion
sculpting red hair, green eyes, and the implied)

perhaps, between the two of us,
there is no mythic narrative to tell,
only the one decision: for love is a decision
no smiling face can make for the beholder.

[Lizzie]

I like the wrap up that characterizes love as a choice, one that isn't dramatic or what we would think of as a love for the ages. And yet it's still sweet. 

I actually like everything except the first stanza: we're told of the vividness of the person, but we're not drawn into a scene. Needs more specifics right off the bat to engage this reader.

I do like the driving pace, and the sparse punctuation that builds momentum.

Best to you, River. Good to see you back.

Lizzie

[nibbed]

Hi RiverNotch. This is a sweet poem.
Yes, love is a decision. I like that.
I wish there were more decisions for love
in this world!


I can't stare into your smiling face and think
that I should never conjure up a face                                        -the word conjure brings with it a certain darkness, but not knowing
as vivid as yours with words alone, or even                                                                                     details of the myth, it may apply
stone -- perhaps I need                                                             

to ask for the Lord's forgiveness,                                               -I always need this, and don't do it enough...
to feed on the fruit the dove selects,                                         -I like this line
[to learn the vital art of description
and not fall into the old obsessions]                                           -these two lines remind of something a sage in his youth might have said

(out of the remnants of shooting stars, Pygmalion
sculpting red hair, green eyes, and the implied)                          - I like the "and the implied"

perhaps, between the two of us,                                                -
there is no mythic narrative to tell,
only the one decision: for love is a decision
no smiling face can make for the beholder.                                 - though smiles might open doors, this last S is true


thank you RiverNotch

-nibbed

[RiverNotch]

Thanks for the feedback. As for your quibble, Lizzie, I'll cheat and refer to the same stanza: that I should never conjure up a face / as vivid as yours with words alone -- though that doesn't preclude trying. Again, thanks.

[Knot]

Hi RiverNotch

I think the title and the final stanza (adding 'that' before 'no smiling...) work well
and are sufficient by themselves. Though 'beholder' is a bit clunky.
The rest seems to me to be confusing and fragmented.
I don't think starting with the contraction 'can't' works.
In what sense are you using 'should' in S1? And 'never'?
Got lost in S1, remained lost in S2.
Though I would like to know why 'description' is a 'vital art', found that intriguing.
The parenthetical stanza (though 'the implied' is excellent) doesn't do much at all for this piece.

Best, Knot

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey River, a few thoughts for you.

Galatea


I can't stare into your smiling face and think I somewhat agree with Knot about "can't" To my ear "cannot" almost always sounds bolder - maybe can't serves the voice better? I'm not sure
that I should never conjure up a face
as vivid as yours with words alone, or even I think you could strike "as yours". It's a long breath, anf you don't really need it
stone -- perhaps I need

to ask for the Lord's forgiveness,
to feed on the fruit the dove selects,
to learn the vital art of description Like the repetition of "to". Gives it a mantra feel. Consider "and not to fall" also? 
and not fall into the old obsessions

(out of the remnants of shooting stars, Pygmalion
sculpting red hair, green eyes, and the implied)

perhaps, between the two of us,
there is no mythic narrative to tell,
only the one decision: for* love is a decision 
no smiling face can make for the beholder.

* I think when the word "for" is used to begin a conclusion, it takes on hints of archaism/cliche/preachy. It almost has a voice of it's own. I think your ending works, even with that voice chiming in. But still, I can hear it.

Enjoyed the poem, thanks for the read.
Paul

[Achebe]

Galatea


I can't stare into your smiling face and think
that I should never conjure up a face
as vivid as yours with words alone, or even
stone -- perhaps I need

to ask for the Lord's forgiveness,
to feed on the fruit the dove selects,
to learn the vital art of description
and not fall into the old obsessions .....I like 'old obsessions' - it's a bit enigmatic but still intelligible

(out of the remnants of shooting stars, Pygmalion
sculpting red hair, green eyes, and the implied) ... I don't like 'the implied', it's severely unpoetic. Also, while "out of ... etc." is nice in itself, I don't think it belongs here. It interrupts the narrative. Perhaps, if you had it as an italicised prologue below the title (I don't know what the right word for that is...epigram?), it would convey the Galatea connection adequately.

perhaps, between the two of us,
there is no mythic narrative to tell,
only the one decision: for love is a decision
no smiling face can make for the beholder.

Lovely work. When I look back at what you've written, I think there's a turning point at that one about the Italian film and 'Neptune's great barge of decay' etc. - your poetry since then has become somewhat more structured, while still retaining its lyrical quality. This one is a step in that direction.