First Edit: First Kiss

[rose]

First Kiss



The stereotypical girl 

I never imagined to be,

He pulls me against him.



My fingers trace his smooth back. 

I feel his pulsing heart, and love 

the thought of connection,

of two interwoven bodies.



Yet as I try to mimic 

his unconscious shudders,

I know I will be found out.



Do you want to do it he asks,

Pausing to raise himself up. 

I have condoms.



No

I shake my head

and stretch out an arm

to try to draw him back down. 



Are you sure he repeats.

Yes I am sure.



With an embarrassed smile

and an agonized brow, he asks

Would you 

do it for me?



Another time I respond, and

He finally lowers himself 

to kiss me.

But his lips are thin and slimy 

and I pretend not to care.



Original: 

First Kiss



I lay on him

Skin presses against skin

The stereotypical girl 

That I never imagined to be





I wrap my arms around his smooth back

And love the feel of human contact

Of two interwoven bodies





Yet as I try to mimic his unconscious shudders

I know that I will be found out





Do you want to do it he asks

Pausing to raise himself up 

I have condoms 





No I’m good I respond 

and stretch out an arm

To try to draw him back down





Are you sure he repeats

Yes I am sure

With an agonized brow

and a slightly embarrassed smile

He asks

Would you 

do it for me?

Another time I respond 

And he finally lowers himself to kiss me

But his lips are thin and slimy 
And I pretend not to care


First Kiss

I lay on him
Skin presses against skin
The stereotypical girl
That I never imagined to be


I wrap my arms around his smooth back
And love the feel of human contact
Of two interwoven bodies


Yet as I try to mimic his unconscious shudders
I know that I will be found out


Do you want to do it he asks
Pausing to raise himself up
I have condoms


No I’m good I respond
and stretch out an arm
To try to draw him back down


Are you sure he repeats
Yes I am sure
With an agonized brow
and a slightly embarrassed smile
He asks
Would you
do it for me?


Another time I respond
And he finally lowers himself to kiss me
But his lips are thin and slimy
And I pretend not to care

[Richard]

Hey Rose,
I like the story in this poem. I do have some suggestions though:

First Kiss -When I first saw this title, I was expected a sappy love poem. I was very happy to be wrong about that.

I lay on him -This line is functional, but I wonder if you could start with something that better grabs the reader's attention.
Skin presses against skin -This made me think they were naked, but the rest of the poem makes me think otherwise.
The stereotypical girl -I like this image and wonder if there is a way you could start the poem with it.
That I never imagined to be -Others might disagree, but you don't need to capitalize the start of every line.


I wrap my arms around his smooth back -I would suggest rephrasing "I wrap my arms around". It's too conversational.
And love the feel of human contact
Of two interwoven bodies -I like these two lines. "Of two interwoven bodies" has a wonderful sound to it.


Yet as I try to mimic his unconscious shudders
I know that I will be found out -This stanza is so depressing, but so true. I like how this poem explores the speaker's self-doubts and doubts about love.


Do you want to do it he asks -The question is so blunt, but that is the point.
Pausing to raise himself up
I have condoms -Again, very blunt, but there is a raw honesty here that I think really works.


No I’m good I respond -I feel like this answer is a bit underwhelming. I've used this expression myself when I didn't want something, so I get what you're going for here. I just wonder if the speaker's response could be worded differently, so it has more bite to it.
and stretch out an arm
To try to draw him back down -I would suggest cutting the last two lines of this stanza. I think the speaker's response is the most important part of this stanza.


Are you sure he repeats -This starts the desperation that defines this stanza.
Yes I am sure
With an agonized brow
and a slightly embarrassed smile -I like this description of the boyfriend. The mixture of agony and embarrassment is appropriate.
He asks
Would you
do it for me? -I love how he then asks this question. This questions seems almost innocent on the surface, but then when you think about it, it's so awful. I also like breaking it into two lines because it separates the "you" from the "me", which I think is thematically important.


Another time I respond -I wonder if this should be broken into its own stanza. It does deserve some emphasis because it is important to the poem.
And he finally lowers himself to kiss me -I would suggest removing the "and" from this line. I like how "lowers himself" could have a double meaning.
But his lips are thin and slimy -I feel bad for the speaker because there is such a reversal of fortunes for her from the start to the end of this poem. 
And I pretend not to care -I love this last line. I think it has a double meaning. She could be pretending not to care so she can just get through this terrible situation, or she could be pretending not to care because she is just desperate for human contact. Nice ending.

Overall, I think you have a nice first draft, and I look forward to seeing where you take this from here. One last thing, I noticed there was no punctuation here, but there was capitalization. My suggestion would be to go all in on one approach, so either drop and capital letters and leave the punctuation out, or keep the caps and add in some punctuation. I  hope some of what I said was helpful.

Cheers,
Richard

[Todd]

Hi Rose,

Here are some comments for you.

First Kiss--I've used this title myself and I'm gratified you strayed away from the expected.

I lay on him
Skin presses against skin--might be unnecessary given where you go in S2. I think this might be tighter to cut this line and highlight the self-revelation in the moment.
The stereotypical girl
That I never imagined to be--might not need That, also to be might be rephrased as "being" just some thoughts.


I wrap my arms around his smooth back
And love the feel of human contact--you kind of say very similar things on this line and the next. Consider possibly cutting "of human contact" from this line.
Of two interwoven bodies


Yet as I try to mimic his unconscious shudders
I know that I will be found out--This is the heart of your poem. When we are vulnerable with someone else ("nakedness") function more as a metaphor of can we trust ourselves to be truly open. Will the real me be discovered. That's also why the setup with mimic above is so good. It displays the struggle between putting on an expected face and intimacy.


Do you want to do it he asks
Pausing to raise himself up
I have condoms --Option for you, the dialogue isn't that great in my opinion (and could just be my bias here). Perhaps just have him present the condom and gave some sort of gesture and then have the speaker respond in some gesture or action to demonstrate the feelings. It's not that you can't use dialogue it just feels clunky to me here.


No I’m good I respond
and stretch out an arm
To try to draw him back down


Are you sure he repeats
Yes I am sure
With an agonized brow
and a slightly embarrassed smile
He asks
Would you
do it for me?--This dialogue I don't mind though perhaps condense this leadup and get to it quicker.


Another time I respond --rather have a gesture here.
And he finally lowers himself to kiss me--There is a good line break opportunity after himself (it layers a judgment of sorts into the moment with that break).
But his lips are thin and slimy--alternatively, you could replace But his with "with" 
And I pretend not to care--Solid ending

I hope that helps you in some way.

Best,

Todd

[Knot]

Hi Rose
Lots to like here, starting with the title which works well,
though, as has been mentioned already, the capitals at the
beginning of each line and the lack of punctuation are a
distraction.

I lay on him
Skin presses against skin
The stereotypical girl
That I never imagined to be
Strong opening, 'stereotypical girl' is a good phrase,
but skin presses against skin' doesn't quite do enough for me,
particularly with the repetition of 'skin'.
That I never imagined [I would] be.  ?  Odd phrasing.
I'd suggest reordering S1 to:
The stereotypical girl
I lay on him
Skin presses against...
I never imagined...

I wrap my arms around his smooth back
And love the feel of human contact
Of two interwoven bodies
Surely it's either 'arms around him' or 'arms across his smooth back'?
That said, I like how this verse is misleads.
(This my be due to the lack of punctuation but) shouldn't this read
I wrap my arms around his smooth back
[loving] the feel of human contact
Of two interwoven bodies ?
I think you could elaborate on why N 'loves the feel...' a little more
before the next stanza and the change of mood.

Yet as I try to mimic his unconscious shudders
I know that I will be found out
Enjoyed the turn, well hidden and so unexpected.
I think you could edit this down to:
Yet, [mimicking] his unconscious shudders
I know that I will be found out

Do you want to do it he asks
Pausing to raise himself up
I have condoms

No I’m good I respond
and stretch out an arm
To try to draw him back down
These work very well (except for how they highlight the lack of punctuation),
though I don't think you need 'I respond', unless you've included it for its irony'.

Are you sure he repeats
Yes I am sure
Sounds true to life, but is a very clunky read.  And not just with the repetition of 'sure'.

With an agonized brow
and a slightly embarrassed smile
He asks
Would you
do it for me?
A similar problem here.  
The variation in line lengths is also,
for me, something of a distraction.
Perhaps consider something like:
With an embarrassed smile,
an agonized brow, he asks
Would you do it for me?

Another time I respond
You're 'responding' again.

And he finally lowers himself to kiss me
But his lips are thin and slimy
And I pretend not to care
The obvious problem here is that 'you' started on top,
and now 'he' is lowering himself.
(Which, incidentally, is a fascinating choice of words,
were you intending to emphasise 'self-loathing'?)
I'd suggest reordering these lines to end with 'kiss me', as in:
I pretend not to care
that his lips are thin
and slimy as he finally
lowers himself to kiss me

It's a great play on the subject of 'first kiss' and I enjoyed reading it.

Best, Knot

[RiverNotch]

First Kiss Although this feels like a point in a relationship that's a few kisses beyond "first kiss". But no, this point is kinda irrelevant -- the dude could just be real stupid, which would be a direction as humorous as this is...


I lay on him
Skin presses against skin
The stereotypical girl There's something very adolescent with "The stereotypical girl" being perceived as a lover. At some point, eros seems less stereotypical, more natural -- in all, a good way to set the tone.
That I never imagined to be Again, to never imagine one to be a lover is a very adolescent thing, at least if it's considered without any sort of well-thought-out moral indignation.


I wrap my arms around his smooth back
And love the feel of human contact
Of two interwoven bodies I agree with earlier commenters -- "of human contact of two interwoven bodies" is redundant. That said, "interwoven bodies" is the more vivid of the two images, so here's my suggested edit:

I wrap my arms around
His smooth back
And love the feel of
Interwoven bodies

Thought that might not be your speaker's voice.


Yet as I try to mimic his unconscious shudders
I know that I will be found out Rhythm in this stanza's a little stilted. Echoing again, I like what this says, but maybe

Yet as I try to mimic
His unconscious shudders
I know I'll be found out

Though again, I feel like I'm intruding.


Do you want to do it he asks
Pausing to raise himself up
I have condoms Horrific laugh-out-loud moment here. Since I don't think a first kiss often (or should often) involve such steamy propositions, this more than the previous two lines feels like the heart of the poem for me, emphasizing not the somewhat introverted nature of our speaker, which to me is not particularly involving, but the awkwardness of the moment as a whole. Though maybe that's just the romantic/romantically-frustrated reader in me speaking.


No I’m good I respond I sort of dig how "respond" repeats -- something about the softness of the speaker -- but perhaps a little too soft. Like Todd before me, I would prefer a gesture to the later "respond", but unlike him, I'd also prefer one here.
and stretch out an arm Why capitalize the start of most lines, but not here?
To try to draw him back down


Are you sure he repeats
Yes I am sure
With an agonized brow
and a slightly embarrassed smile
He asks
Would you
do it for me? Stanza captures the wonky nature of this whole encounter -- I actually like how this entire stanza plays, how blank the speaker is, how awkward and stupid and hungry the lover is.


Another time I respond See above -- though to highlight my conflicted feelings, the notes in the last two stanzas.
And he finally lowers himself to kiss me Richard's reading is to feel bad for the speaker's reversal of fortune; with that in mind, I see why the speaker and the lover seemed to switch positions (first line: "I lay on him"), even if such a switch implies something more rambunctious (and perhaps less symbolic) than what the speaker's presented, at least after "Yet as I try to mimic".
But his lips are thin and slimy
And I pretend not to care Though, unlike Richard's reading, I don't quite think this is really terrible. There's no hint of violence all throughout -- the girl establishes boundaries, boy tries to push through 'em, girl denies the push but allows him one awkward kiss. It might have been a little horrible, but the horror isn't really, I think, traumatic -- ultimately, I find this more funny than dark.


...cold, and in a very beautiful, saying-something way. Lovely work.

[Quixilated]

threads merged.  --Quix/Mod 

[Knot]

Hi Rose
Much improved by the revision I think.

The stereotypical girl
I never imagined to be,
Should this not be;
I never imagined I'd be (or become, or even wanted to be)?

He pulls me against him.
My fingers trace his smooth back.
What is it your fingers are tracing?
If it's just his back, then isn't that 'stroking'?
I feel his pulsing heart, and love
the thought of connection,
of two interwoven bodies.
'pulsing' is a bit romance novel.
I wonder if you could make something of;
I feel him, and love (assuming you like ambiguity)
the thought of connection,
of two bodies interwoven

Yet as I try [how are you trying?]
to mimic his unconscious shudders,
I know I will be found out.

Do you want to do it he asks,
Pausing to raise himself up.
I have condoms.
Where's the question mark?

No
I shake my head
and stretch out an arm
to try to draw him back down.
I don't think you need 'No' on a separate line,
you could just reorder the line to;
I shake my head no

Are you sure he repeats.
Yes I am sure.
Not sure about 'he repeats', you might want to describe
how the question is being asked, or how he looks when he's asking it.
(Comma after 'Yes')

With an embarrassed smile
and an agonized brow, he asks
Would you do it for me?
Perhaps consider reworking this as
'His smile is embarrassed...etc,.'
(or, He looks so embarrassed...)

Another time I respond, and
(Don't end on an 'and')
Plus, it rather distracts from the intriguing ambiguity of 'respond'

finally, [he] lowers himself
to kiss me, But his lips are thin,
and slimy, and I pretend not to care.


Best, Knot.