Hoarfrost

[Yjack123]

Hoarfrost
 
 
My head is in opposition as I shuffle the dusted planks of the room.
My coffee and I ease into cushions to let the pills apply themselves.
Eyes lightly closed against everything.
 
I tug them open again and discover the moment.
I spy gemstone hoarfrost on one corner of my window,
A single pane high up frames the splayed web of rainbow dust,
The sunlit frost pushing through my haze: its splendor keeping me buoyant.
I; embarrassed for unrealized accomplishments.
As concomitant to the time of life enjoyed by the frost.
It seems I have been out-performed and it’s still early.
 
I stretch to see when a man walks past the window.
Dark hair and glasses and a steady gait.
There’s temptation to say he came out of nowhere,
But I know that’s not possible.  He has a home, one supposes. 
Both origin and destination remain secrets held from me.
On this particular mission of his. 
Wherever he’s headed. 
I don’t know.
 
Waiting, am I, for the coffee to cool a bit. 
Touching the mug with the backs of my fingers I decline.
Patience, I have learned, is the only treatment for everything.
 

[cloud]

I know if I applied something like this http://www.firesides.ca/poemtips.htm it would demolish your writing. I'll leave it there if you want to skim it over yourself.

My main concern is it's too confusing. Not the good kind of confusing, the bad kind.
I kinda got this vibe I'm deciphering poetic lore rather than letting the words form into a neat package.
I do like the imagery, I feel like there's a limit though 

[Yjack123]

I know if I applied something like this http://www.firesides.ca/poemtips.htm it would demolish your writing. I'll leave it there if you want to skim it over yourself.

My main concern is it's too confusing. Not the good kind of confusing, the bad kind.
I kinda got this vibe I'm deciphering poetic lore rather than letting the words form into a neat package.
I do like the imagery, I feel like there's a limit though 

I have no idea what you are trying to say.  I don't understand what's confusing.  I'm not trying to get defensive, but I don't understand.

[billy]

the poem for me is too ambiguous. it leaves too many questions in the readers mind.
it feels like there's not enough to understand the poem. i see the title and the connection in the poem to it but the subject feels secondary.

Hoarfrost


My head is in opposition as I shuffle the dusted planks of the room. opposition to what? i do like the image of the latter part of the sentence and would suggest starting the line from "as I ..."
My coffee and I ease into cushions to let the pills apply themselves.
Eyes lightly closed against everything.

I tug them open again and discover the moment.
I spy gemstone hoarfrost on one corner of my window,
A single pane high up frames the splayed web of rainbow dust,
The sunlit frost pushing through my haze: its splendor keeping me buoyant.
I; embarrassed for unrealized accomplishments.
As concomitant to the time of life enjoyed by the frost.
It seems I have been out-performed and it’s still early.

I stretch to see when a man walks past the window.
Dark hair and glasses and a steady gait.
There’s temptation to say he came out of nowhere,
But I know that’s not possible. He has a home, one supposes.
Both origin and destination remain secrets held from me.
On this particular mission of his.
Wherever he’s headed.
I don’t know.

Waiting, am I, for the coffee to cool a bit. is it "yoda" coffee? watch out for inverted syntax
Touching the mug with the backs of my fingers I decline.
Patience, I have learned, is the only treatment for everything.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hoarfrost
 
 
My head is in opposition (lost clarity here. Is your head in opposition to itself? Or to the shuffling?as I shuffle the dusted planks of the room.
My coffee and I ease into cushions to let the pills apply themselves.
Eyes lightly closed against everything.
 
I tug them open again and discover the moment.
I spy gemstone hoarfrost on one corner of my window, Not a fan of "I spy"  
A single pane high up frames the splayed web of rainbow dust, splayed is nice here
The sunlit frost pushing through my haze: its splendor keeping me buoyant.
I; embarrassed for unrealized accomplishments. what?  Why not just I am?
As concomitant to the time of life enjoyed by the frost.
It seems I have been out-performed and it’s still early.
 
I stretch to see when a man walks past the window.
Dark hair and glasses and a steady gait. not a sentence on its own
There’s temptation to say he came out of nowhere,
But I know that’s not possible.  He has a home, one supposes. 
Both origin and destination remain secrets held from me.
On this particular mission of his. 
Wherever he’s headed. 
I don’t know.
 
Waiting, am I, for the coffee to cool a bit.  I'm waiting. - its not complicated.
Touching the mug with the backs of my fingers I decline. good image
Patience, I have learned, is the only treatment for everything.
 

I would ditch the caps at the line starts. They confuse the sentence structure.

[Keith]

Hi Yjack
My take away is a simple one you have a headache, take a tablet sit down with a coffee to let it take effect, you notice ice refracting sunlight in through the window, this makes you look outside and you ponder over a man in the street, whats his story etc. go to drink your coffee but its still to hot, so you think about the need for patience and how that applies to most things in life.
My main issue is that as a reader I can identify with most of this and to be honest as an image it plays out a plesant enough comeo giving us some insight to the main character and his concerns about wasting time, but its dull as dishwater there is little to excite me. There is nothing fresh about the subject, no clever way of showing me something in a new light. Your phrasing, whilst easy to follow and querky in a good way, doesnt help the reader find any rhythm and the yoda speak, I though to be intentionally trying to sound like Yoda, doesnt really work that well for me.
My advice would be to give it some umph, find something fresh to add to the morning coffee, but thats all I have I'm not really sure I've helped. Still you have my thoughts on your poem. best Keith

Hoarfrost
 
 
My head is in opposition as I shuffle the dusted planks of the room.
My coffee and I ease into cushions to let the pills apply themselves.
Eyes lightly closed against everything.
 
I tug them open again and discover the moment.
I spy gemstone hoarfrost on one corner of my window,
A single pane high up frames the splayed web of rainbow dust,
The sunlit frost pushing through my haze: its splendor keeping me buoyant.
I; embarrassed for unrealized accomplishments.
As concomitant to the time of life enjoyed by the frost.
It seems I have been out-performed and it’s still early.
 
I stretch to see when a man walks past the window.
Dark hair and glasses and a steady gait.
There’s temptation to say he came out of nowhere,
But I know that’s not possible.  He has a home, one supposes. 
Both origin and destination remain secrets held from me.
On this particular mission of his. 
Wherever he’s headed. 
I don’t know.
 
Waiting, am I, for the coffee to cool a bit. 
Touching the mug with the backs of my fingers I decline.
Patience, I have learned, is the only treatment for everything.