Edit 3: Sepulture

[alonso ramoran]

Sepulture

A sinking titan pushes with 
golden arms, bleeding pink, 
against a boneless black embrace 
until she drowns in the west. 

Then we're left with the pall 
she wove out of water, that 
glowed in the dampness of 
yesteryear's teardrops from 
gathering stars,  
 
unknowing of tomorrow. 

Congregation 
 
Last beams of blue brilliance 
are being pushed by our titan 
against a boneless black embrace 
till she drowns in the west. 
 
Then we're left with the pall 
she wove out of water, 
that glowed in the dampness 
of ages-old teardrops 
from gathering stars, 
 
unknowing 
of the routine.


Edit 1: Congregation 
 
Last beams of blue brilliance 
is being pushed by our titan 
against a black and boneless embrace 
till she drowns in the west. 
 
And we're left with the pall
she wove out of water,
that glowed in the dampness
of ages-old teardrops
from gathering stars.
 
Then time will reset
that last lovely rite
before we resume
our morning routines.


Original: Nightly Congregation 
 
Our titan drowned forcing light  
into the ambiguous night 
and the pall they had woven 
from out of the water  
is stained with the tears 
of the gathering stars.  
  
This will happen tomorrow, and the day after,  
and throughout many lifetimes; 
as if it wasn't a routine.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Alex. A couple notes to consider.

Nightly Congregation "Congregation" would be tighter and more evocative of other meanings IMO 
 
Our titan drowned forcing light 
into the ambiguous night I think this rhyme hurts more than helps 
and the pall they had woven
from out of the water 
is stained with the tears cliche even in this context
of the gathering stars. -- this section is long and would be served better with some punctuation or space. It's a long breath and hard to enjoy.
 
This will happen tomorrow, and the day after, 
and throughout many lifetimes;
as if it wasn't a routine. the last strophe carries the message but sounds a little preachy doing it. 

Good Luck with it, I'll be back. Routinely. 
Paul

[alonso ramoran]

Hey Paul,
Haha yeah I do wanna stay away from that preachy territory, thank you for the input.

[Keith]

Hi alexorande
I really enjoyed this take on night fall seeing the stars as a forming congregation is a nice metaphor and one you could have made more of in the poem, I like how you help the reader see this, just needs a bit of tidy up. Some comments. Keith

Congregation 
 
Our titan drowned forcing light Do you need light? when paired against night it sounds forced. Could be reaching out instead of forcing. ignore all my suggested word changes
into the ambiguous night 
and the pall they had woven I like this line but why they? Titan is singular. great use of pall.
from out of the water this doesn't read right to my English ear
is stained with the tears this is trying to be too poetic and waste a line that could be used to reinforce the congregation metaphor, your poem
of the gathering stars. great image
 
This will happen tomorrow, and the day after, this too could be veiled in the metaphor not sure how but its a thought.
and throughout many lifetimes;
as if it wasn't a routine. the ending could be stronger

[alonso ramoran]

Made some tweaks. Feelin confident.

[ClaireLou]

I really enjoyed it, the only things I would look into changing are as follows:

Verse 2 - I would remove the first "And" having it as "We are left with the pall". Also is it not "age old" in lieu of "ages old"?

Verse 3 - I would just pop a comma after "reset"

Tweaks definitely an improvement

[Yjack123]

It has a nice sweeping rhythm. I felt the current.

I was a little disappointed that the words had the sound of fiction. A tale told of a heroine who fell. But telling such a tale in just 13 lines cannot be ambiguous.

[dedalus87]

Hi alexorande,

I thought the poem describes a sort of cycle as seen by the speaker and his companion (lover?). It made me think of the tide and it's periodicity, especially since there is a lot of water related symbols: blue brilliance, drowning, pall woven out of water, etc. I especially liked the rich imagery in the second stanza.

Congregation 
 
Last beams of blue brilliance either "beam" here or "are" in the second verse. I like beam.
is being pushed by our titan 
against a black and boneless embrace I think "and" can be dropped here. I also like the slight contrast of "blue brilliance" and "black boneless"
till she drowns in the west. I don't get who "she" is. The beam? The titan? The embrace?
There's a nice alliteration of the letter b throughout the stanza. Maybe you could enhance it when revising.
  
And we're left with the pall I interpret "pall" here as having a double meaning, both as covering the drowned woman from the previous stanza and as a cloud of water over the whole scene.
she wove out of water,
that glowed in the dampness
of ages-old teardrops
from gathering stars. Great personification!
I really like the imagery in this stanza.
 
Then time will reset
that last lovely rite
before we resume
our morning routines.

[alonso ramoran]

Hey dedalus87, Yjack123, and ClaireLou,

Thank you all for your comments. Made an edit with your words in mind.

dedalus87- The "she" here is the titan, if there is a better way to rephrase this in the poem I'd be happy to here your suggestions.

Yjack123- More of a metaphor than a tale. Some metaphors extend long enough to become an awkward sort of tale on it's own I guess. That's what happened here. This was supposed to be a metaphor in my "Eventide" poem but it was too much.

ClaireLou- I thought ages-old because of the many eras these stars have lived though?

[dedalus87]

The "she" here is the titan, if there is a better way to rephrase this in the poem I'd be happy to here your suggestions.

I see. Somehow I always thought of titan as being a male character, but I guess that isn't necessarily so. I don't really have an alternative in mind.