Tenancy agreement

[Keith]

I'm being kicked out.
My body spent £3.50p
on an advert. Wanted:
a warm soul to fit inside
a fifty three year old shell.

I'm not really bothered,
the place has got too big
for me, the plumbing's
knackered, I can't see shit
through the windows,
and I've been growing cannabis
in the loft for years.

We've had a few to look around,
they all say the same thing.
It smells funny and needs too much work.
Well, at least I have one more night in his bed,
I better lie in it.

[billy]

it sounds like a waste of three pound fifty loved it.

[ClaireLou]

Love it! Can't say more than that, no changes needed, fab read!

[ellajam]

Strong, Keith, especially S2,

[RiverNotch]

actually, we didn't think it needed too much work, it was too old to work with in the first place. try to uproot the cannabis, we thought, and we'd end up losing floors.

two tiny notes:
'in the loft for years' reads like the one line you could trim. not excise completely, just remove either of its two components. it doesn't quite say enough for the amount of words it has, compared to the rest.
'his' bed? i get that in the first stanza, the body is treate as landlord, but then in the second stanza it's also shown to be the apartment building, making for a rather confusing mixed metaphor. i'm alright with the body kicking out the soul, though, as that could easily read as a personification of the body-as-apartment-building, and the narrative doesn't really need a landlord -- perhaps change 'his' to 'this'?

lovely, but also smooth and cool in a i-was-cool-when-you-were-still-an-egg-cell,-and-i'm-still-cool-now kind of way. the poem, not the body. xD

[Keith]

it sounds like a waste of three pound fifty loved it.

it definitely would be.

---

Love it! Can't say more than that, no changes needed, fab read!

Thank you Claire, much appreciated, Keith

---

Strong, Keith, especially S2,

Thank you Ella, many a true word in S2

---

actually, we didn't think it needed too much work, it was too old to work with in the first place. try to uproot the cannabis, we thought, and we'd end up losing floors.

two tiny notes:
'in the loft for years' reads like the one line you could trim. not excise completely, just remove either of its two components. it doesn't quite say enough for the amount of words it has, compared to the rest.
'his' bed? i get that in the first stanza, the body is treate as landlord, but then in the second stanza it's also shown to be the apartment building, making for a rather confusing mixed metaphor. i'm alright with the body kicking out the soul, though, as that could easily read as a personification of the body-as-apartment-building, and the narrative doesn't really need a landlord -- perhaps change 'his' to 'this'?

lovely, but also smooth and cool in a i-was-cool-when-you-were-still-an-egg-cell,-and-i'm-still-cool-now kind of way. the poem, not the body. xD

steady on RiverNotch too old.....? Thanks for the help with this, you make some good points. Best Keith

[Achebe]

I like the unexpected inversion - it's not a young soul looking to inhabit a less decrepit body, but a decrepit body looking for a young soul to inhabit it.
Reminds me of Gagravarr Pizpot, the disembodied mind / body of Hitchhiker's fame.
But one doesn't end up with a "shell" at 53. Perhaps 'shack' or 'shanty' or something those lines.

[Keith]

I like the unexpected inversion - it's not a young soul looking to inhabit a less decrepit body, but a decrepit body looking for a young soul to inhabit it.
Reminds me of Gagravarr Pizpot, the disembodied mind / body of Hitchhiker's fame.
But one doesn't end up with a "shell" at 53. Perhaps 'shack' or 'shanty' or something those lines.

Yes more like a weathered beach hut that would have probably helped the viewings thanks for your comments Achebe. Best Keith

[Quixilated]

Keith, I keep coming back to this one because it's just so much fun to read.  

I see the whole thing play out like an old black and white film version of a Dickens novel, the scenery is bleak and everyone is depressed, but there is just something about the characters that is beyond delightful.  I can't help wondering who on earth the "few to look around" are.  It's a little concerning that there was any answer to that advertisement.  And I absolutely love the resigned acceptance of the narrator, it's adorably Eeyore-ish, with that sort of "how like them," attitude about it all.  

It is thoroughly enjoyable.  
-- Quix

[Keith]

Keith, I keep coming back to this one because it's just so much fun to read.  

I see the whole thing play out like an old black and white film version of a Dickens novel, the scenery is bleak and everyone is depressed, but there is just something about the characters that is beyond delightful.  I can't help wondering who on earth the "few to look around" are.  It's a little concerning that there was any answer to that advertisement.  And I absolutely love the resigned acceptance of the narrator, it's adorably Eeyore-ish, with that sort of "how like them," attitude about it all.  

It is thoroughly enjoyable.  
-- Quix

Ha ha thank you Quix Eyore-esc it definitely is, was thinking what if my body could blame my for all those poor choices, diet, on set of old age etc, well it would probably try to get rid of me I recon.