Still

[Tiger the Lion]

Still,
 
when it's quiet
enough, I swear
I think I sometimes hear
 
a voice insisting
we were magic.

[billy]

sometimes i too swear when it's quiet.

i like the hush of the piece.

[ellajam]

one nit : Insisting seems to conflict with the quiet: declaring, humming, not whispering but something like it.

Big fan of "still" and what you do with it.

[RiverNotch]

there is something rather dissonant between the first two stanzas (i'm counting the title as one) and the last; yeah, that whole "insisting" bit, plus the romantic-interpersonal focus of that last line sort of hand waves away the subtle but enjoyable hints of *insanity* in those first two stanzas, as well as "we were magic" painting a bit too much of a picture for me. but that might be me more taking issue with what the poem chooses to deal with, rather than what it is -- if the romantic-interpersonal focus was to be treated as what the poem really goes for, then even the bigness of "insisting" works, but again, this would, at least for me, mean sacrificing an opportunity to go for something more interesting.

[Todd]

The poem has something going for it. I'm not a big fan of I swear, I think, I.

[RiverNotch]

actually, know what -- i think the insanity's not really there. i feel more insane now than back when i first spoke, and it's not there. though maybe my current insanity's more positive than negative -- right now, i really like this piece, finding 'insisting' to have just the right kind of loudness for Aphrodite's voice. though i suppose i did note that when i first commented -- i guess what i'm saying is i'm taking this a lot better now, and that's important, since that doesn't really help you as the writer, saying something more about myself than about the piece