Version 4: A Self Created Soul

[ClaireLou]

My heart, an empty beer bottle 
Wrapped in brown paper 
Tied with Old fraying string 
Hollow of thought, silent of sound

The patterned tag long forgotten 
Hanging unwanted by my side
Words blur, Paper cockled 
Like a riverbed in Summertime 

The clock sleeping
Suspended in this moment 
Ready to be reintroduced to the day
Its voice unable to share.

Breathe cold,
A floating cloud 
In a blank space 
Of self-doubt.
 
My way is lost, 
The tissue that crinkled with love
Now ripped & torn, the passion gone,
A desolate & unforgiving existence.
 
This is who I am,
Forgotten
As the moon on a Summer day, 
A deflated balloon polluting the stream in which I float. 
------


Vascular beats 
Wrapped in brown paper 
Tied with Old fraying string 
Hallow of thoughts, silent of cry.

The patterned tag long forgotten 
Hanging unwanted by my side
Words blur, Paper cockled
Like a riverbed in Summertime

The clock stopped,
Hidden beneath the floor boards
In a tell tale hint
Towards the madness.
 

Breathe cold,
A floating cloud 
In a blank space 
Of self-doubt.
 
My way lost,
The tissue that crinkled with love
Now ripped & torn, the passion gone,
No happy smiles, No celebration.
 
This is who I am,
Forgotten as the moon on a Summer day, 
A distant memory,
A deflated balloon polluting the stream in which I float.


------
---

I a different format!  I have made a few amendments thanks to guidance which is appreciated, feel free to comment further, I am now on a more positive pathway with it although I'm still not liking verse 4 ... I'm thinking of deleting it altogether but it can remain for now: 


My heart,
Wrapped in brown paper 
Tied with old fraying string 
Hollow as thoughts, silent of cry.
 
The patterned tag long forgotten
Hanging unwanted by my side
Words blur, Paper cockled
Like a riverbed in Summertime
 
The Clock stopped,
Silently waiting 
To be reintroduced to the day
Its voice unable to share.
 
Breathe cold,
A floating cloud
In a blank space
Of self-doubt.
 
My way lost,
The tissue that crinkled with love
Now ripped & torn, the passion gone,
No happy smiles, No celebration.
 
This is who I am,
Forgotten as the moon on a Summer day,
A distant memory,
A deflated balloon polluting the stream in which I float.

---
Just written, it was harder than I thought to write something with 4 x lines for each verse!  All comments welcome:


My heart aches,
Wrapped in brown paper
Tied with old fraying string
You can still feel its pain.
 
The pattened tag long since forgotten
Hanging unwanted by my side
Words blurr, As the tears cried
Steadily flow like a river in Summertime.
 
The Clock has stopped,
Silently waiting
To be reintroduced to the day
Its voice unable to share.
 
Breathe cold,
Once rose tinted glass now clear,
Transparent, filled with fear
That this blank space is all there will ever be.
 
My way lost,
The tissue that crinkled with love
Now ripped & torn, the passion gone,
No happy smiles, No celebration.
 
This is who I am,
Forgotten as the moon on a Summers day,
A distant memory,
A deflated balloon polluting the stream in which I float.

[Todd]

Hi Claire,

So, you mentioned you're trying to write 4 line stanzas. Some of my comments might suggest cuts or changes. I won't attempt to recreate the 4 line stanzas, but I'll just assume that you'll try to do that on your own if you incorporate the changes.

Just written, it was harder than I thought to write something with 4 x lines for each verse!  All comments welcome:


My heart aches,--I would ask you why you'd want to lead with an abstraction. I think this would be much better just cutting aches. 
Wrapped in brown paper
Tied with old fraying string
You can still feel its pain.--technically, feel its pain is a bit abstract and flat. You mostly hear a heart. Perhaps there's something in the sound of it (hollow in the chest, something) that could suggest pain.
 
The pattened tag long since forgotten--I don't think you need since
Hanging unwanted by my side
Words blurr, As the tears cried--I've never seen blurr with two r's, is that a regional spelling before I call it a typo? Not fond of the passive voice here.
Steadily flow like a river in Summertime.--The in Summertime is good but tears flowing like a river is cliche.
 
The Clock has stopped,
Silently waiting
To be reintroduced to the day
Its voice unable to share.
 
Breathe cold,
Once rose tinted glass now clear,--Again sort of cliche and leading.
Transparent, filled with fear
That this blank space is all there will ever be.
 
My way lost,
The tissue that crinkled with love
Now ripped & torn, the passion gone,
No happy smiles, No celebration.
 
This is who I am,
Forgotten as the moon on a Summers day,--apostrophe needed
A distant memory,
A deflated balloon polluting the stream in which I float.

Just some areas to consider.

Best,

Todd

[ClaireLou]

Thank you, I really went on to dislike this piece, but with your initial comments as guidance I've gone back to it & tried to be a little more objective. Reading it like it's been written by someone else, if that makes sense. Ps Re Blur ... I wish I could blame my hometown but in all honesty its more that I've probably lost the ability to spell or type or maybe both!

[billy]

at first reading i'd think it a keeper, it's still a keeper after subsequent reads.

i know it's 4 line stanza but my heart does little for me in the first. the 3rd stanza is the weakest, a suggestion would be to make it stronger or leave it out. i do enjoy the original imagery when you use it in this and other poems.

I was going to have this deleted as I lost all inspiration, it seemed like such a good idea at the time to try a different format!  I have made a few amendments thanks to guidance which is appreciated, feel free to comment further, I am now on a more positive pathway with it although I'm still not liking verse 4 ... I'm thinking of deleting it altogether but it can remain for now: 


My heart,
Wrapped in brown paper 
Tied with old fraying string 
Hollow as thoughts, silent of cry.
 
The patterned tag long forgotten
Hanging unwanted by my side
Words blur, Paper cockled
Like a riverbed in Summertime love the image
 
The Clock stopped,
Silently waiting silent feels a bit redundant.
To be reintroduced to the day
Its voice unable to share.
 
Breathe cold,
A floating cloud
In a blank space
Of self-doubt.
 
My way lost,
The tissue that crinkled with love
Now ripped & torn, the passion gone,
No happy smiles, No celebration.
 
This is who I am,
Forgotten as the moon on a Summer day,
A distant memory,
A deflated balloon polluting the stream in which I float. for some reason i'm minded of a spent condom but i think that's just me

---
Just written, it was harder than I thought to write something with 4 x lines for each verse!  All comments welcome:


My heart aches,
Wrapped in brown paper
Tied with old fraying string
You can still feel its pain.
 
The pattened tag long since forgotten
Hanging unwanted by my side
Words blurr, As the tears cried
Steadily flow like a river in Summertime.
 
The Clock has stopped,
Silently waiting
To be reintroduced to the day
Its voice unable to share.
 
Breathe cold,
Once rose tinted glass now clear,
Transparent, filled with fear
That this blank space is all there will ever be.
 
My way lost,
The tissue that crinkled with love
Now ripped & torn, the passion gone,
No happy smiles, No celebration.
 
This is who I am,
Forgotten as the moon on a Summers day,
A distant memory,
A deflated balloon polluting the stream in which I float.

[ClaireLou]

I would like to keep it at 4 x lines per verse if possible, simply because Ive not worked with something so structurally set before. I am struggling though with replacement terminology that doesnt lose sight of the image Im trying to create. Ive changed verse x 3 as suggested, still clock focused but with a nod to those that do it better! Thank you for your advice, hope its heading in the write direction.

PS Your comment re my final line made me smile, I hadnt thought of it like that I was thinking of it more in a sense of gifts & parties ..... then again, there are many different types of parties so it could fit!

[billy]

I would like to keep it at 4 x lines per verse if possible, simply because Ive not worked with something so structurally set before.  I am struggling though with replacement terminology that doesnt lose sight of the image Im trying to create.  Ive changed verse x 3 as suggested, still clock focused but with a nod to those that do it better!  Thank you for your advice, hope its heading in the write direction.  

PS Your comment re my final line made me smile, I hadnt thought of it like that I was thinking of it more in a sense of gifts & parties ..... then again, there are many different types of parties so it could fit!

only if it's extra small  

to the edit. was the one i posted to the original or the edit. if the edit;

for me you went too far claire.
the heart to vascular doesn't work. make a simile out of the line

example;

my heart, an empty wine bottle
wrapped in a paper bag.

the vascular thing feels like a forced example of heart.


the clock stanza for me was better as stopped and the stanza was better maybe another word for stopped.
example, the clock was dead or unconscious or motionless. make it stand out
the part that didn't work for me was silently waiting

the real comment was to  change 'silently waiting' to something that cuts the mustard.
and example;
[put your words or phrase here.]


for me the poem [the one i gave feedback on] had the bones of a good poem, i think the edit weakened said bones.

sorry for the examples , im crap at explaining stuff without them .

[Wjames]

Vascular beats 
Wrapped in brown paper 
Tied with Old fraying string Nice opening, a heart in a brown shopping package.
Hallow of thoughts, silent of cry.  I can't make sense of "Hallow of thoughts" - do you mean "hollow"? "Silent of cry" is awkwardly worded.

The patterned tag long forgotten 
Hanging unwanted by my side
Words blur, Paper cockled cockled is lovely
Like a riverbed in Summertime nice simile.

The clock stopped,
Hidden beneath the floor boards
In a tell tale hint
Towards the madness. Towards what madness? Maybe cut "the".
 

Breathe cold,
A floating cloud 
In a blank space 
Of self-doubt.
 
My way lost, I think you should add a word here, like "My way is lost". "My way lost" is strange, and the affect doesn't really add anything imo.
The tissue that crinkled with love
Now ripped & torn, the passion gone,
No happy smiles, No celebration. I think you could say this line in a more interesting way. "ripped and torn" is an example of using images to express the feeling, this is just the feeling - I would try and make it more like "ripped and torn". 
 
This is who I am,
Forgotten as the moon on a Summer day, 
A distant memory, I would cut this line, it's implied by "forgotten". 
A deflated balloon polluting the stream in which I float. Nice ending.

I like a lot of this, I think you could tighten it a bit. I haven't read the earlier edits or other comments, I hope my thoughts are helpful.

[ClaireLou]

Thank you for the comments, all are appreciated, I love to learn. I will work on it some more on the various areas when I return to the office PC next week ..... Phone poetry does not have the same feeling!

Lol Yes its a typing error, its meant to be Hollow of thought, the poem has no holy thoughts, I need to practice my typing abilities!

[ClaireLou]

Another set of amendments. Hope this is better Thank you for your help ..... I've tried to use both sets of suggestions.