Just a few changes. I'm stuck with 'piercing' for the moment - I want a word that suggests both the physical act and the quality of sound/light - any suggestions? I've trawled the thesaurus.
Edit - I have gone with Crow's suggestion of 'riddling' which encompasses 'piercing' and adds a further layer, of questions asked and answered. Thanks Crow!
Edit 2
Lynchy worked one winter trapping dingoes for bounty. A lazy man, he couldn’t be bothered with the routine of setting, checking, and cleaning traps. He bought unwanted mongrel bitches from the Council Pound instead. When they came on heat he tethered them near the National Park boundaries, with fish hooks embedded in their vulvas and anchored to a branch. When a dingo mounted, his penis was hooked. He usually bled to death. Sometimes, one would leave shredded remnants and escape.
Stars pulse
light as sound, fine
crystal-tapped notes.
High screams rise, rise,
dwindle to a low moan.
Shadows fade to silence.
Before gods, before language,
wild dogs called from the void
to the light, voicing their land,
dark matter defying
the riddling stars.
Edit 1
Lynchy worked one winter trapping dingoes for bounty. A lazy man, he couldn’t be bothered with traps. Dingoes were too smart for him. He bought unwanted mongrel bitches from the Council Pound. When they came on heat he tethered them near the National Park boundaries, with fish hooks embedded in their vulva and anchored to a branch. When a dingo mounted, his penis was hooked. He usually bled to death. Sometimes, one would leave shredded remnants, and escape.
A flock of stars pulses light as sound, fine crystal-tapped notes.
A high scream rises, rises, falls slowly to a low moan. Shadows fade to silence.
Before gods, before language, wild dogs called from the void to the light, voicing their land, dark matter defying the piercing stars.
First Draft
Lynchy worked one winter trapping dingoes for the bounty on their scalps. A lazy man, he couldn’t be bothered with traps. Dingoes were too smart for him. He bought unwanted mongrel bitches from the Council Pound. When they came on heat he tethered them near the National Park boundaries, with fish hooks embedded in their vulva. When a dingo mounted one, his penis was hooked. He usually bled to death. Sometimes, one would leave shredded remnants, and escape. Up here, where snowy peaks range along the sky, on full moon nights a flock of stars pulses light as sound, fine crystal-tapped notes. In response, from a ridge nearby a high scream rises, rises, falls slowly to a low moan, fades to shadowy echoes, silence. From another ridge it sounds again; defiance, then sorrow, then death. Before gods, before language, wild dogs called from the void to the light, voicing the land, dark matter defying the piercing stars.
I'm not sure why I wanted prose and verse together. Sort of like a quasi-haibun.
Should the prose piece be first, or after the verse, or not at all? Or just keep the prose and cut the verse?
Mercedes, I really like this one. It does have a haiban quality to it. I think if I were to push for any direction it would be more toward a haiban--not because there's anything special about the form just because being more succinct in the section following the prose would highlight it more.
(09-03-2017, 01:06 PM)just mercedes Wrote: Dingo Lynchy worked one winter trapping dingoes for the bounty on their scalps. A lazy man, he couldn’t be bothered with traps. Dingoes were too smart for him. He bought unwanted mongrel bitches from the Council Pound. When they came on heat he tethered them near the National Park boundaries, with fish hooks embedded in their vulva. When a dingo mounted one, his penis was hooked. He usually bled to death. Sometimes, one would leave shredded remnants, and escape. I find the prose section horrifying in its content, but it's a great setup. No issues with how you deliver it. Up here, where snowy peaks range along the sky, on full moon nights a flock of stars pulses light as sound, fine crystal-tapped notes.--I get what you're doing here with stars and light pulsing music in contrast to the wild dogs' song. I'd be tempted to cut this to start at "stars pulses...." It's not that the writing is poor, it's just cutting to the essentials. In response, from a ridge nearby--I think you could cut this a high scream rises, rises, falls slowly to a low moan, fades to shadowy echoes,--I think lines 2-4 are essential. silence. From another ridge it sounds again; defiance, then sorrow, then death.--I hate suggesting a cut on the final three lines here, but you get defiance at the end and death comes through int he prose. Sorrow may still need to be reincorpoated. Before gods, before language, wild dogs called from the void to the light, voicing the land, dark matter defying the piercing stars.--This would almost be enough to set off the prose on its own. I don't think you need to be that drastic--but this is the strongest strophe for me.
Just some thoughts.
Best,
Todd
I'm not sure why I wanted prose and verse together. Sort of like a quasi-haibun.
Should the prose piece be first, or after the verse, or not at all? Or just keep the prose and cut the verse?
Thanks Todd - great response and suggestions. I wasn't happy with the verse part - I felt it somehow too lavish - and your suggested cuts trim it to the bone. (if I can say that ) I'll wait a while before posting an edit.
There are so many things I want to say about this.
(09-03-2017, 01:06 PM)just mercedes Wrote: Edit 1
Lynchy worked one winter trapping dingoes for bounty. A lazy man, maybe he is a lazy person, it says he worked one winter trapping dingos, suggesting he works many different jobs, based on what's available he couldn’t be bothered with traps. I can't imagine setting a dingo trap, like hunting mostly just patience? Couldn't be more difficult than hooking dog vulvas Dingoes were too smart for him. Must say, the sadistic method He devises catching the dingos is pretty clever, he outsmarted the dingos. He bought unwanted mongrel bitches from the Council Pound. When they came on heat he tethered them near the National Park boundaries if this was the only means he had to make ends, and had been rather unsuccessful, this is like a survival trick, I don't know about lazy, with fish hooks embedded in their vulva and anchored to a branch. When a dingo mounted, his penis was hooked. He usually bled to death. Sometimes, one would leave shredded remnants, and escape. This is infuriating, made me appreciate Judith Wright's from an animal rights perspective, none of this has ever crossed my mind, too true human behavior.
Kind of reads cold like an intro, powerful but I can't nail down the tone
A flock of stars pulses light as sound, fine crystal-tapped notes.
A high scream rises, rises, falls slowly to a low moan Shadows fade to silence.
Before gods, before language, wild dogs called from the void to the light, voicing their land, dark matter defying the piercing stars.
First Draft
Lynchy worked one winter trapping dingoes for the bounty on their scalps. A lazy man, he couldn’t be bothered with traps. Dingoes were too smart for him. He bought unwanted mongrel bitches from the Council Pound. When they came on heat he tethered them near the National Park boundaries, with fish hooks embedded in their vulva. When a dingo mounted one, his penis was hooked. He usually bled to death. Sometimes, one would leave shredded remnants, and escape. Up here, where snowy peaks range along the sky, on full moon nights a flock of stars pulses light as sound, fine crystal-tapped notes. In response, from a ridge nearby a high scream rises, rises, falls slowly to a low moan, fades to shadowy echoes, silence. From another ridge it sounds again; defiance, then sorrow, then death. Before gods, before language, wild dogs called from the void to the light, voicing the land, dark matter defying the piercing stars.
I'm not sure why I wanted prose and verse together. Sort of like a quasi-haibun.
Should the prose piece be first, or after the verse, or not at all? Or just keep the prose and cut the verse?
Thanks CRNDLSM for your read and comments. In the prose part I tried to keep emotion and judgement out of the recital. I wonder now about 'lazy'. It is a judgement rather than a description. He had a lot of bush skills, as you say survival skills, but to trap a dingo you have to leave no scent on the traps, a regime of preparation he didn't want to deal with. I'm taking the 'lazy' under consideration. Thanks.
I was thinking then, you could keep lazy and just explain what about the trapping he couldn't be bothered with, covering up his scent, jab at hygiene and adding to his deviance. I like the explanation before the poem.
Hey Mercedes,
I like this poem as it stuck with me since I first read it yesterday. I do have some thoughts though:
(09-03-2017, 01:06 PM)just mercedes Wrote: Edit 1
Lynchy worked one winter trapping dingoes for bounty. A lazy man, he couldn’t be bothered with traps. Dingoes were too smart for him. -I know that you're reconsidering using the word "lazy." My suggestion would be to keep it, and change the sentence that follows. May be instead of saying "too smart," say something like the dingoes were too much work. Just a thought. He bought unwanted mongrel bitches from the Council Pound. When they came on heat he tethered them near the National Park boundaries, with fish hooks embedded in their vulva and anchored to a branch. When a dingo mounted, his penis was hooked. He usually bled to death. Sometimes, one would leave shredded remnants, and escape.-Vicious imagery, which captures the reader's attention.
A flock of stars pulses -For some reason, I feel like this line could be cut down to just "Star pulses". The word "flock" just doesn't sit right with me considering the imagery in the rest of the poem, but that is just my own opinion. light as sound, fine crystal-tapped notes. -I find it interesting that the stars are described in terms of sound. This focus on sound is a major part of the poem, which is fitting after the prose being so focused on physicality.
A high scream rises, rises, -That poor dingo. The repetition works well because it stresses the right word while also accurately describes what is happening. falls slowly to a low moan. Shadows fade to silence. -I love the wording here. It works as a way to describe death, or having one's privates shredded off.
Before gods, before language, wild dogs called from the void -Again, there is a lot of imagery here that focuses on sounds. All this imagery creates the impression on me that hearing what happened to these dingoes would be just as horrifying as seeing it happen. Nicely done. to the light, voicing their land, -I'm assuming that "voicing their land" means barking. I wonder if this could be clearer... dark matter defying -I like how the dingoes came from the darkness, and probably return to it after what happens to them in this poem. the piercing stars. -Keeping the sound imagery in mind, the word "piercing" is sort of a sound word. However, I wonder if you could come up with a stronger sound related word to end on.
First Draft
Lynchy worked one winter trapping dingoes for the bounty on their scalps. A lazy man, he couldn’t be bothered with traps. Dingoes were too smart for him. He bought unwanted mongrel bitches from the Council Pound. When they came on heat he tethered them near the National Park boundaries, with fish hooks embedded in their vulva. When a dingo mounted one, his penis was hooked. He usually bled to death. Sometimes, one would leave shredded remnants, and escape. Up here, where snowy peaks range along the sky, on full moon nights a flock of stars pulses light as sound, fine crystal-tapped notes. In response, from a ridge nearby a high scream rises, rises, falls slowly to a low moan, fades to shadowy echoes, silence. From another ridge it sounds again; defiance, then sorrow, then death. Before gods, before language, wild dogs called from the void to the light, voicing the land, dark matter defying the piercing stars.
I'm not sure why I wanted prose and verse together. Sort of like a quasi-haibun.
Should the prose piece be first, or after the verse, or not at all? Or just keep the prose and cut the verse?
I'd love to know whether you think it works.
I think this poem definitely works, and it just needs some tweaks. I look forward to seeing where you go with this piece from here.
Thanks for your read and comments Richard. You're right - if I qualify 'lazy' in the next sentence I can keep it, I think.
'flock' reflects 'mob' in Judith Wright's poem. Also there because in winter the dingoes come down off the mountain to kill and eat sheep fom the stations near the Park.
'voicing their land' - howling at the moon. The 'high scream' I describe. It's an uncanny, unsettling sound.
'piercing' refers to the sound, as well as to the fish hooks in the prose part. Maybe there is a better word. I'll look for it.
I appreciate your read and comments, thanks! I'll wait to post another revision.
the prose section was bloody and horrid and descriptive and excellent, nothing else to say about that part. it does work well as it is. it sets up the piece, without it or if it were at the bottom i may have thought it were wolves. with it the poem has a earthly quality and the dogs are definitely screaming dingoes.
the last stanza felt a little prose too but it didn't matter, it took me back into the beginning and made me read it again. apart from lack of knowledge re pulses i can't see a thing i'd change.
(09-03-2017, 01:06 PM)just mercedes Wrote: Edit 1
Lynchy worked one winter trapping dingoes for bounty. A lazy man, he couldn’t be bothered with traps. Dingoes were too smart for him. He bought unwanted mongrel bitches from the Council Pound. When they came on heat he tethered them near the National Park boundaries, with fish hooks embedded in their vulva and anchored to a branch. When a dingo mounted, his penis was hooked. He usually bled to death. Sometimes, one would leave shredded remnants, and escape.
A flock of stars pulses is it pulse or pulses? i ask because i'm not sure and can't stop reading it as pulse.
light as sound, fine
crystal-tapped notes. i like how the silence [yes i know there noise] sets up the poem. it almost feels like you're an astronomer
A high scream rises, rises, great counter to the tapped notes above,
falls slowly to a low moan.
Shadows fade to silence. nicely extended theme via noise
Before gods, before language,
wild dogs called from the void
to the light, voicing their land,
dark matter defying
the piercing stars.
I'm not sure why I wanted prose and verse together. Sort of like a quasi-haibun.
Should the prose piece be first, or after the verse, or not at all? Or just keep the prose and cut the verse?
I thought, as 'flock' is singular, the verb form should be singular. As in The crowd runs, not The crowd run . But I could be totally wrong! Maybe someone else can advise.
Sorry it took me a while to get back to this, Mercedes. I like the revision. A couple small points below.
(09-03-2017, 01:06 PM)just mercedes Wrote: Edit 1
Lynchy worked one winter trapping dingoes for bounty. A lazy man, he couldn’t be bothered with traps. Dingoes were too smart for him. He bought unwanted mongrel bitches from the Council Pound. When they came on heat he tethered them near the National Park boundaries, with fish hooks embedded in their vulva and anchored to a branch. When a dingo mounted, his penis was hooked. He usually bled to death. Sometimes, one would leave shredded remnants, and escape.--since it's "he tethered them" should it be vulvas? Also, I think you can remove the comma after remnants.
A flock of stars pulses--I'm not personally sold on stars as a flock. It's a style choice so if you want to group them to contrast with the pack of wild dingos that's of course fine. I could be wrong on my usage (probably am). I think a flock pulses though if it was simply "stars" than pulse sounds correct. light as sound, fine crystal-tapped notes.
A high scream rises, rises, falls slowly to a low moan.--falls slowly might be better replaced by a single word like dwindle or some such. Shadows fade to silence.--I like how you link shadows something visible to silence something auditory. It's good phrasing and interesting.
Before gods, before language, wild dogs called from the void to the light, voicing their land, dark matter defying the piercing stars.
I'll be following this. I'd like to see where you take this.
Hey Mercedes,
I quite like your latest edit. It's concise in its language use while the overall subject matter still sticks in my mind long after reading it. I definitely think you're done.
Very much like the edited poem section -- prefer the first version of the prose, though, as it makes the interaction between hunter and dingoes more dynamic. Also, I suggest a formatting change for the prose section, just to make the two elements more distinct -- maybe italics?
(09-12-2017, 01:52 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Very much like the edited poem section -- prefer the first version of the prose, though, as it makes the interaction between hunter and dingoes more dynamic. Also, I suggest a formatting change for the prose section, just to make the two elements more distinct -- maybe italics?
Thank you for that! I remembered how to hide a spoiler. I'm thinking bout the difference in the prose versions.
But again, No to the italics - the form is quasi-haibun, and for me the distinction between prose and verse is there. Maybe some extra white space between the two?
) I'll wait a while before posting an edit.
I'm thinking bout the difference in the prose versions.