Through the open window, Today helps me
guide in golden glitter that
will transfigure what we build
into a castle, secret and enduring.
Piled bowls of milky water wash themselves
and the TV, after no longer
being watched, turns off. Kuya Yesterday
designs the frame, bringing up dumb ideas
that Today and I would sometimes go with.
If Today and I want to bring in guns, bears,
and owls, to defend our parapets and for
morale, that's what we'll do.
Sheets unfurl and swell, bright with a fall sun.
We tie their corners to the bunk bed railing,
to the legs of the coloring table,
with what stings our innocent confusion.
Feathers permeate and mingle with
coruscating flecks of rust.
What could we set the bunk bed's ladder
up against for our roof? We have our words
then decide on Kuya Yesterday's dresser
and drape the ladder and coloring table
over in a comforter. Evening light
reveals drifting dust and years
passing into boredom. Soon,
Kuya Yesterday and Today, you both
might live away,
together or apart—just
remember tomorrow, stupid.
Draft 2: Pantheon of Three
Through the open window, Today helps me
guide in golden glitter that
will transfigure what we build
into a castle, secret and primordial.
Piled bowls of milky water wash themselves
and the TV, after no longer
being watched, turns off. Kuya Yesterday
designs the frame, bringing up dumb ideas
that Today and I would sometimes go with.
If Today and I want to bring in guns, bears,
and owls, to defend our parapets and for
morale, that's what we'll do.
Sheets unfurl and swell, bright with a fall sun.
We tie their corners to the bunk bed railing,
to the legs of the coloring table,
with the consequences of our mistakes
of confusion. Feathers permeate and mingle
with coruscating flecks of rust.
What could we set the bunk bed's ladder
up against for our roof? We decide
on Kuya Yesterday's dresser
and drape the ladder and coloring table
over in a comforter. Evening light
reveals drifting dust and years
passing into boredom. Soon,
Kuya Yesterday and Today, you both
might live away,
together or apart—just
don't forget tomorrow.
Draft 1: Pantheon of Three
Midday's golden glitter seemed to bless
our innocence with endless fun.
We spent our lifetimes architecting
a fabulously funny fortress,
its foundation was
a dresser we had built about. Its frame-
several coloring tables and a leaning ladder.
Assigning what goes where
or who does what, that if
the moon and where its milky mists
were to wet, was a shred contentious,
then cows would cock-a-doodle
at a wolf's standing madness.
Luckily, the placement of the parapets
are what we argued over, on where we'd set
pillows bricks and blanket walls.
It may have taken a lifetime or two,
but when we came to a consensus
we would work our whims
to, where our little Pete, the Canary
suggested in his little song,
set the final piece atop
what would become our own Cair Paravel;
and just like that- our fingertips
sent a surge of magic through the ordinary;
and we asked that bird, in court,
to be our fair-haired balladeer.
Before he could reply, our parents
saw the room a laundry heap
and had us clean the mess
and strip the structure to its frame
just because they were expecting guests.
And the lifetimes spent so carelessly
on everything but being gods
caught up as we sluggishly
arranged the room back to
its fundamental husk. Glitter
is now the dust of dusk,
fading through the stuffy air.
Horton left with all his friends
in exchange for talk of weather over wine.
And when we talk of weather over wine:
it is then I bid us not forget
fantastic things that have taken place
when boredom silently became
I. Our Birthrights
Midday's golden glitter seemed This seems like a weak line break to me, I would either bring up "to bless", or drop down "seemed".
to bless our innocence with endless fun;
of which we spent on lifetimes "of which" is a little awkward, especially after a semicolon. Maybe just "we spent it on lifetimes"
architecting in our room I would personally move "a fabulous fortress" before "in our room". I think "a fabulous fortress" should be closer to "fun", as the fortress is it's embodiment, and I don't think the "fabulous, fortress, foundation" consonance is particularly strong.
a fabulous fortress; its foundation
was a dresser we had built about. Its frame-
several coloring tables and a leaning ladder.
Assigning what goes where
or who does what, that if
the moon and where its milky mists
were to wet, was a shred contentious,
then cows would cock-a-doodle
at a wolf's standing madness. Doesn't make much literal sense to me, but I like it anyways. Fun to read.
Luckily, the placement of the parapets
are what we argued over, on where we'd set I think "are" should be "was", it's in the past.
bricks of pillows and walls of blankets
It may have taken a lifetime or two,
but when we came to a consensus
we would work our whims
to, where our little Pete, the Canary I don't think you need the comma after "to".
suggested in his little song,
set the final piece atop
what would become our own Cair Paravel;
and just like that- our fingertips
sent a surge of magic through the ordinary;
and we asked that bird, in court,
to be our fair-haired balladeer.
Before he could reply, our parents
saw the room a laundry heap I really like these past two stanzas, especially this last line.
and had us clean the mess
and strip the structure to its frame
just because they were expecting guests.
It was the slowest process You can find a more interesting way to say this.
as if we felt the time been spent been spent sounds weird to me.
on lifetimes in the afternoon.
the room was cast in evening light
as a hollow husk. The dust
seemed as if the streaming bits
in its fading dazzle. This sentence doesn't make literal sense to me, and it doesn't have the magic of the earlier ones like it. This whole stanza doesn't do much for me, I think it could be either improved, or cut altogether.
Horton left with all his friends
in exchange for talk of weather over wine.
And when we talk of weather over wine:
it is then I bid us not forget
fantastic things that's taken place "that's" should be "that have"
when boredom silently became
a mawkish emptiness these days. This is a rather abrupt transition from musing on the wonders of childhood to the emptiness of more grown up like. I kind of like it because I was expecting it to say something like "magic", or "wonder". It feels like it could be an effective transition in to the next part, but it's hard to say because I don't know what's in the next part.
This is part one of a four part poem I'm writing. I'm posting it by sections so each read could be a more digestible one- thus receiving a more effective critique. By doing it this way, I can also focus on bettering one section at a time, as opposed to editing all parts of the poem and not being focused on one, which could make for scattered thoughts and a possible blending of specific themes. Appreciate all feedback given.
I liked a lot of what was here, but some of it could be tightened in my opinion. Thanks for sharing!
I. Our Birthrights
Midday's golden glitter seemed This seems like a weak line break to me, I would either bring up "to bless", or drop down "seemed".
to bless our innocence with endless fun;
of which we spent on lifetimes "of which" is a little awkward, especially after a semicolon. Maybe just "we spent it on lifetimes"
architecting in our room I would personally move "a fabulous fortress" before "in our room". I think "a fabulous fortress" should be closer to "fun", as the fortress is it's embodiment, and I don't think the "fabulous, fortress, foundation" consonance is particularly strong.
a fabulous fortress; its foundation
was a dresser we had built about. Its frame-
several coloring tables and a leaning ladder.
Assigning what goes where
or who does what, that if
the moon and where its milky mists
were to wet, was a shred contentious,
then cows would cock-a-doodle
at a wolf's standing madness. Doesn't make much literal sense to me, but I like it anyways. Fun to read.
Luckily, the placement of the parapets
are what we argued over, on where we'd set I think "are" should be "was", it's in the past.
bricks of pillows and walls of blankets
It may have taken a lifetime or two,
but when we came to a consensus
we would work our whims
to, where our little Pete, the Canary I don't think you need the comma after "to".
suggested in his little song,
set the final piece atop
what would become our own Cair Paravel;
and just like that- our fingertips
sent a surge of magic through the ordinary;
and we asked that bird, in court,
to be our fair-haired balladeer.
Before he could reply, our parents
saw the room a laundry heap I really like these past two stanzas, especially this last line.
and had us clean the mess
and strip the structure to its frame
just because they were expecting guests.
It was the slowest process You can find a more interesting way to say this.
as if we felt the time been spent been spent sounds weird to me.
on lifetimes in the afternoon.
the room was cast in evening light
as a hollow husk. The dust
seemed as if the streaming bits
in its fading dazzle. This sentence doesn't make literal sense to me, and it doesn't have the magic of the earlier ones like it. This whole stanza doesn't do much for me, I think it could be either improved, or cut altogether.
Horton left with all his friends
in exchange for talk of weather over wine.
And when we talk of weather over wine:
it is then I bid us not forget
fantastic things that's taken place "that's" should be "that have"
when boredom silently became
a mawkish emptiness these days. This is a rather abrupt transition from musing on the wonders of childhood to the emptiness of more grown up like. I kind of like it because I was expecting it to say something like "magic", or "wonder". It feels like it could be an effective transition in to the next part, but it's hard to say because I don't know what's in the next part.
This is part one of a four part poem I'm writing. I'm posting it by sections so each read could be a more digestible one- thus receiving a more effective critique. By doing it this way, I can also focus on bettering one section at a time, as opposed to editing all parts of the poem and not being focused on one, which could make for scattered thoughts and a possible blending of specific themes. Appreciate all feedback given.
I liked a lot of what was here, but some of it could be tightened in my opinion. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for your critique! Working on the revision.
Unfortunately, I wasn't planning on a transition from the final line of this section to the next. I'm planning on having four sections of the poem to each attribute some aspect that made/makes a childhood fantasy possible. In this one, my siblings, our youth, and boredom was one of those things I wanted to give credit to.
It's been a minute and my style of writing has changed a lot (it's kinda embarrassing to revisit to be honest xD). I recently worked on a new draft. Thank you kindly for reading and for any feedback.
(08-18-2017, 02:52 AM)alonso ramoran Wrote: Pantheon of Three
Through the open window, Today helps me This threw me a bit on first reading. It made more sense as I got deeper into the poem.
guide in golden glitter that
will transfigure what we build
into a castle, secret and primordial. This word choice seems too heavy to me for the subject.
Piled bowls of milky water wash themselvesDon't understand the bowls "washing themselves"
and the TV, after no longer
being watched, turns off. Kuya Yesterday I looked up Kuya and all I could find is that it is a sign of respect in the Pillipine language. Is that what you meant? If so, I think a footnote would be appropriate, just to save non-Philipino readers from having too look it up.
designs the frame, bringing up dumb ideas
that Today and I would sometimes go with. If Today and I want to bring in guns, bears, and owls, to defend our parapets and for morale, that's what we'll do.Some of my favorite lines.
Sheets unfurl and swell, bright with a fall sun.
We tie their corners to the bunk bed railing,
to the legs of the coloring table,
with the consequences of our mistakes of confusion. Feathers permeate and mingle Bit clunky, maybe just "consequences of confusion"? with coruscating flecks of rust. very nice line
What could we set the bunk bed's ladder
up against for our roof? We decide
on Kuya Yesterday's dresser
and drape the ladder and coloring table
over in a comforter. Evening light
reveals drifting dust and years
passing into boredom. Soon,
Kuya Yesterday and Today, you both
might live away,
together or apart—just
don't forget tomorrow. Very nice ending. Should "tomorow" perhaps be capitalized?
Hi AR,
This brought back fond memories of building "forts" out of furniture and sheets when I was a kid. The personification of Today and Kuya Yesterday is a very nice touch, though I kind of imagine this as a solitary child playing with imaginary friends, and saluting those friends as a grown-up in the last lines.
