Nectar

[lyon]

I beg a
mosquito
who refuses,
despite the many times 
I throw her off:
Let me alone! 

but mosquito will not.
She simply waits
when displaced,
for a still 
and fresh spot
to suck.

Relentless! Let me 
alone! I am angry
but mosquito ignores 
my thrashes, again 
finds another spot to suck 

and suckle.
Faith-full mosquito…

you always find me useful. 

[Todd]

Hi Lyon, Let me give you some comments. A lot of them will probably be style choices more than anything else--so largely subjective. 

I beg a--I am not a fan of this first line. The break on "a" doesn't seem especially strong. I would be tempted to move a down to the next line and end on beg. It seems more in keeping with the negotiation one would do with a mosquito.
mosquito
who refuses,
despite the many times 
I throw her off:--The fact that it is a her (any gender at all actually) gives the mosquito a figurative sense. It is a potential stand in for a relationship.
Let me alone!--I think this line and where it repeats can be cut without impacting anything in the poem. 

but mosquito will not.
She simply waits
when displaced,--You could cut "when" potentially.
for a still 
and fresh spot--You could cut "and" also.
to suck.

Relentless! Let me--I don't think relentless gives you much it is a tag explaining action which pulls us out of the moment. 
alone! I am angry
but mosquito ignores--perhaps a slight refocus start the strophe with "mosquito ignores/my anger/my thrashes, again 
my thrashes, again --Nice break on again.
finds another spot to suck--Potentially you could emphasize your earlier choice and break this line on spot allowing to suck to sit alone on its own line. 

and suckle.
Faith-full mosquito…

you always finds me useful.--probably want find here. 

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[lyon]

Hi Lyon, Let me give you some comments. A lot of them will probably be style choices more than anything else--so largely subjective. 

I beg a--I am not a fan of this first line. The break on "a" doesn't seem especially strong. I would be tempted to move a down to the next line and end on beg. It seems more in keeping with the negotiation one would do with a mosquito.
mosquito
who refuses,
despite the many times 
I throw her off:--The fact that it is a her (any gender at all actually) gives the mosquito a figurative sense. It is a potential stand in for a relationship.
Let me alone!--I think this line and where it repeats can be cut without impacting anything in the poem. 

but mosquito will not.
She simply waits
when displaced,--You could cut "when" potentially.
for a still 
and fresh spot--You could cut "and" also.
to suck.

Relentless! Let me--I don't think relentless gives you much it is a tag explaining action which pulls us out of the moment. 
alone! I am angry
but mosquito ignores--perhaps a slight refocus start the strophe with "mosquito ignores/my anger/my thrashes, again 
my thrashes, again --Nice break on again.
finds another spot to suck--Potentially you could emphasize your earlier choice and break this line on spot allowing to suck to sit alone on its own line. 

and suckle.
Faith-full mosquito…

you always finds me useful.--probably want find here. 

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

Thank you for the close read and comments! 
I'm wondering how you felt about the beginning and overall pace of the poem? Did it deliver the ending too quickly?
Thank you so much again!

[nibbed]

Hi, lyon.

I thought the poem was well-paced, actually, but also a bit overly repetitive and hoped (for the narrator's sake), a resolution or victory over the pest.


I beg a                                           -I don't care for the structure of this first L                                   
mosquito           
who refuses,
despite the many times 
I throw her off:                               -brush, swat, maybe? how does one "throw" a mosquito?
Let me alone!                                 -Mosquito, let me alone might suffice.

but mosquito will not.                    -in a perfect world we don't begin sentences with but
She simply waits                            -best two lines
when displaced,                               in the poem
for a still 
and fresh spot
to suck.                                           -does she just suck, doesn't she pierce first, leave itchy slobber?

Relentless! Let me 
alone! I am angry
but mosquito ignores 
my thrashes, again                           thrashes or swats? why would you thrash?
finds another spot to suck 

and suckle.
Faith-full mosquito…                      if the speaker's name is Faith, it makes it cuter.

you always find me useful.              a dig on-self.           



It might be helpful to describe WHY the speaker is so pestered, even though most of us understand how bothersome mosquitoes are. I heard lemongrass oil mixed with a carrier oil is good as repellent and crushed garden weed plantain leaves work as an itch remover, especially in a pinch. This poem can get shaped up and made cute, it has a liveliness about it. What better place to put it, than the treadmill of intensive critique! You can do it!

nibbed

[Todd]

Thank you for the close read and comments! 
I'm wondering how you felt about the beginning and overall pace of the poem? Did it deliver the ending too quickly?
Thank you so much again!

I didn't have an issue with pace. I think you have a lot of freedom with what you choose to do. One option you could consider if you wanted to lengthen this since simply dealing with the mosquito the same way could get repetitious, is to blend a competing narrative into the piece that the mosquito is distracting the narrator from. Just a thought. As it stands though, pace did not strike me as an issue.

Best,

Todd

[Lizzie]

Hello, lyon. Welcome to the site. A couple of comments for you......

I beg a -- I second Todd's point that some of the line breaks are not being well utilized. There's no reason that "a" needs to be the standout word in this line.
mosquito
who refuses,
despite the many times 
I throw her off:
Let me alone! -- this stanza reads long and clunky. I'd re-word.

but mosquito will not. -- THE mosquito?
She simply waits -- I also like the gender specificity of the mosquito -- makes me immediately think "relationship poem."
when displaced, -- a stronger word choice than "displaced," surely! Evicted, rebuffed, etc.....make every word pull its weight.
for a still 
and fresh spot
to suck.

Relentless! Let me 
alone! I am angry -- I don't feel the benefit of this emotional statement. It can be deduced from "thrashes." You could try another image that would demonstrate anger instead of coming right out and saying it.
but mosquito ignores -- THE mosquito?
my thrashes, again -- there's a grammatical situation in here....maybe say, 'the mosquito again ignores my thrashes, finding another spot to suck.' 
finds another spot to suck -- I like "suck" and "suckle" not only for the sonics, but because there's sexual and dependency connotations, respectively. Makes me think of a relationship where one person is a parasite.

and suckle.
Faith-full mosquito… -- I like the specificity offered by putting the dash in between faithful

you always find me useful. -- Good ending. No question now that the poem is not about a mosquito.

Overall, I'd say that you need to get the grammar and punctuation nailed, for sure. That's a gimmie.

Second, I'd work on your line breaks so that each word at the end of a line is something your really want to emphasize.

Third, I'd make sure that every word is as strong as it can possibly be. I'd make it as tight and concise as you can.

I look forward to seeing where you choose to take this one. Hope this helps!

Lizzie