Fifth Edit: The Swans in Wentworth Park

[Richard]

Hey lyon,
Thanks for the feedback. Some of your suggestions about the wording has got me thinking about this poem again.

Greatly appreciated,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I've done another edit on this one. I'm struggling with an ending, so feel free to let me know if you think this one works.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

I like the direction you're going. Let me alter the structure a bit and suggest a few changes for you to consider:

Third Edit:

Dying Swan

One wing mangled, but not as exposed
as those words I said when our bodies
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes.

The other wing open, begging for elevation,
reminds me of my failed apology,
your goodbye listless like our first kiss.

I envision its mate, flying alone 
towards a cold sunset.


I didn't think your current line breaks were doing much for you. Sticking with the content now, I like the change of using exposed without going into the physically exposed bone. This is more now the idea of being psychological naked in a relationship--being vulnerable. 

You might also adjust this line: your goodbye listless like our first kiss to something like

your listless goodbye kiss.

First may be accurate but it feels like one two many adjectives and the our is implied in the act of kissing.

Feels like it's moving in the right direction though.

Just some initial thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. It's interesting because most of the line breaks you suggested are for lines from older drafts of the poem. I quite like what you suggested, and have another draft up.

Thanks again,
Richard

[just mercedes]

Hi Richard - I like the gradual refining that shows in your edits. Also  very much like the sounds that link together, especially in the first stanza (exposed, noticed, closed) but I think 'those' can be taken out.



Fourth Edit:

Dying Swan

One wing mangled, but not as exposed I wondered if 'dangled' sits better here than 'mangled'?
as those words I said when our bodies
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes. I like the image of how closed eyes can negate intimacy. Something about the syntax bothers me. It's not the words that are exposed - rather, it's the narrator's feelings. 

The other wing open, begging for elevation, Reaching for? 'begging' seems too anthropomorphic to me
reminds me of my failed apology,
our listless kiss goodbye. Yes, great image

I envision its mate, flying alone 'envision' stands out for me as more formal than the rest of the poem.  Is there a better word?
towards a cold sunset. I like the image, but I'm not sure of the 'cold'.

[Richard]

Hey Just,
Thanks for the feedback. This one has been one heck of a ride in terms of editing and such. Your excellent feedback actually gave me some awesome ideas on how to tweak this poem even more.

Thanks again,
Richard

[billy]

hi richard, i read this edit and the original other my brain would be scrambled coming in at this late stage. overall i get it. no line-by-line: in general the extended metaphor works yet it's little hard to reconcile the subject of swans/a swan in a human breakup. generally [the title] it's an interpretation of the death of a swan. the feeling i get here is an interpretation of the end of one's love. the piece has a certain arty feel which does tie it to the title but again for me love is a much more powerful thing than death. the poem lacks that passion that pavlova put into to birds death. the dance was an image, an interpretation without the tell she was the swan. the poem for me needs to use more imagery.

one wing dangled, the other wing open; how could these two important lines be infused with imagery? show me the pain of the broken wing, show me the pain of the failed apology.

i think the bones are in place, it just needs some feather to help it fly

Fifth Edit:


Dying Swan

One wing dangled, but not as exposed
as what was beneath the words show what was beneath the words.
I said when our bodies
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes.

The other wing open, seeks elevation,
reminds me of my failed apology,
our listless kiss goodbye.

I imagine its mate flies alone
towards a cold sunset.

[Richard]

Hey Billy,
Thanks for the feedback. You got me thinking about the wings and how to expand them as images. I'm scared of going in circles with this one and heading back in the direction of the old edits too much, so I think I need to let those thoughts sit in my subconscious for a few days to see if anything original comes.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

A few quick comments on the most recent edit. I appreciate the title of this piece. Dying Swan allows the first line to work. I like the switch from mangled to dangled. Mangled is an interpretation. Dangled is more of an observation. I think this one works best from the perspective of Imagism.

I don't really have any other critique at this point. It feels done to me. You'll have to decide of course when it feels done for you.

Best,

Todd

Fifth Edit:

Dying Swan

One wing dangled, but not as exposed
as what was beneath the words
I said when our bodies
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes.

The other wing open, seeks elevation,
reminds me of my failed apology,
our listless kiss goodbye.

I imagine its mate flies alone
towards a cold sunset.

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
Thanks for the additional feedback. One of the things I struggle with is deciding when a poem is done, so I think I need to let this one sit for a bit to truly decide.

Thanks again,
Richard

[billy]

you are always in charge, i think most people will tell you to leave it for a good while when you feel it done, in two months when you look at it with fresh eyes, something will dazzle you and you'll do a final edit.

[just mercedes]

Hey Richard - I think you're almost there. The only change I'd think about would be to lose 'listless' - allow the reader to acknowledge that something was mssing in the kiss, and for me, 'listless' doesn't work wih the image of the mate flying free but sad, which is active.

But your poem is pruning its feathers, ready for flight.

---

Or 'failed' - I think you have to lose one or the other.

[Richard]

Hey Billy,
I think that's sound advice about leaving it for two months. As always, greatly appreciated.

Hey Mercedes,
I really like you're suggestion, and I'm fairly certain one of those words will be cut when I do another edit.


Thanks again,
Richard