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08-16-2017, 04:41 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-18-2017, 11:41 PM by Todd.)
Revision 2
A Princess must learn that pomp is a soap bubble
floating above someone else's cleaning pail,
and ballrooms dim once the music stops.
Pumpkins are only for one-way transit.
Beauty is goodness until even looks curdle.
Your stepmother’s spoiled milk smile will creep
across her face, as she spends more time looking
at you than her reflection. The mirror
will be too vain to admit its nearsightedness.
It reflects a keen nose though, and your stepmother
will wrinkle hers as she detects a hidden fault line.
If you have been blessed with the transient
glamour of a snowflake,
you must never spin your clothes. Sewing is labor
for mice. Instead be home by midnight,
lest this pretend dress and even the shoes
that touch your feet turn to ash rags.
Don't eat an offered apple.
If you do, you still might be kissed.
Expect happiness, but never ever after.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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(08-16-2017, 04:41 AM)Todd Wrote: The moon glides with dark design for love lies
try reading this line over a few times. I think the real problem is "for", but, frankly, the line is a mess.
Quote:beneath a pale gown. Her glow reveals
dangling participle alert. Your indefinite pronoun could be either "moon" or "love". This is problematic. The poesy is disturbing both the clarity and the composition.
Quote:the howl and bristle of men,
I think you need to make synesthesia a value-add component or remove it entirely. If is supposed to enrich the metaphor in some way, I am completely missing it.
Quote:and the bedchamber after midnight
with its cold stone and barefoot steps
indeterminate pronouns again. Does the bedchamber have cold stone and barefoot steps?
Quote:that crunch across gold turned to straw.
Though, the swan remains forever
pierced, and the apple always poison
to settle on your lips like a blood-red smear
waiting for a kiss.
I don't know. It has strong imagery but it is too confused and convoluted to gel properly. Even the next to last line - to settle on your lips like a blood red smear - the way it's written also refers to the swan. A swan settling on my lips??!! NO!
Too much dependence on power words and inherited symbolism make it seem like it lacks its own voice.
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Thanks for the read and comments, milo. This was an old one I was trying to get pulled together. I'll see if I can reach back to the point I wanted, clarify, and salvage anything.
Much appreciated,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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I think I'm going to redo this as a list poem.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 2,359
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The list poem didn't come together. I had to take this one down to the studs and try again.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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I like the title. There is a juxtaposition between "Fairy Tale" and "Logic". One is very obvious fantasy with loose meaning, while the other is objective with a clear answer spit out at the end. I picture a sort of classroom setting led by a PhD Logic professor. Princesses fresh out of completing their story (basically post happily ever after) now have to learn the realities of their situation. Perhaps more crudely it could be a self-help seminar for disillusioned princesses after they realize their new lives are not everything they're cracked up to be. You could also argue the title leans toward sarcasm or even a social commentary (see: White Girl Logic, Old People Logic, etc.)
The body of the poem explores various allusions to fairy tales (I noticed Cinderella and Snow White, but there may be others) and their logical conclusions. This concept works well with the title in my opinion.
(08-16-2017, 04:41 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision
Princesses must learn that nothing lasts. - Naivete is no longer going to get them what they want. The honeymoon phase is what everyone talks about, but the real work happens after that.
Pumpkins are only for one-way transit. - This is a fairly obvious allusion to Cinderella. Although in the movie, she definitely leaves the party in the pumpkin carriage, so this is not a literal sentence. Figuratively, the pumpkin is bringing her to the ball to become a princess, but once she gets there, there is no going back from that fate.
Beauty is goodness until even looks curdle - We could talk about inner beauty here, but I think it is more telling the princesses, yes you're beautiful, but that isn't going to matter soon and you better step up to the plate if you're going to make anything worthwhile out of your life. Curdling like spoiled milk is a process that doesn't take very long, insinuating to the princesses that their looks will fade much quicker than they realize.
like spoiled milk. If you have a stepmother, - In the fairy tale, the Stepmother represents a person that deceitfully tries to obtain what they desire.
she will spend more time looking at you - These types of people usually spend more time preventing good people from achieving their goals, so they can have more for themselves.
than her reflection. The mirror - The idea of the mirror being the vain one is interesting. As if the stepmother is so far removed from reality, so in denial, that she would even blame her faults (which come up later) on the mirror itself.
will be too vain to admit its nearsightedness.
It reflects a keen nose though, and your stepmother - A keen nose is sharp. Capable of quickly sniffing out realities. Deceitful people are often incredibly smart
will wrinkle hers as she detects a hidden fault line. - Not sure who you're talking about with the fault line comment, is it the stepmother or the princess?
If you have been blessed with the transient
glamour of a snowflake,
you must never spin your clothes. Sewing is labor - A princess has more important things to worry about than menial tasks, a princess has duty.
for mice. Instead be home by midnight,
lest this pretend dress and even the shoes
that touch your feet turn to ash rags. - You kind of lose me here thematically. Now I feel like it's telling the princess to quit and go back to the menial life.
Don't eat an offered apple.
If you do, you still might be kissed.
Expect happiness, but never ever after. My Conclusion: If you are to become a princess, work for it on your own, don't let fate or magic or whatever do the work for you. Or fate/magic does not make a princess, but a fool. Real princesses are made through their own efforts.
I've always wanted to live in a world where it's okay to pronounce both L's in my name.
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(08-16-2017, 04:41 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision
Princesses must learn that nothing lasts.
Pumpkins are only for one-way transit.
Beauty is goodness until even looks curdle I think the "like spoiled milk" simile is a little redundant, I get that just from "curdle", which is a wonderful word.
like spoiled milk. If you have a stepmother,
she will spend more time looking at you
than her reflection. The mirror
will be too vain to admit its nearsightedness.
It reflects a keen nose though, and your stepmother
will wrinkle hers as she detects a hidden fault line.
If you have been blessed with the transient
glamour of a snowflake,
you must never spin your clothes. Sewing is labor I love the two sewing sentences.
for mice. Instead be home by midnight,
lest this pretend dress and even the shoes
that touch your feet turn to ash rags.
Don't eat an offered apple.
If you do, you still might be kissed.
Expect happiness, but never ever after.
I like the edit much more than the original. There are a lot of good chuckles in it, very nice.
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@Fuzzy: I appreciate the close read. It was helpful while I revised the poem. Thank you
@Wjames: I tried to blend the spoiled milk part in differently--hopefully it eased some of the redundancy.
I also addressed the opening which felt too flat to me.
New revision up.
Thank you, both.
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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