Lover.
I'll dance in the shower,
I know you bugged my room.
Beloved.
I know I've got the blood of birds,
dad was a bird and mom was a bird. They flew
out of the countryside and into the city,
they saw the spires in silhouette. I'll fly away too.
Someday I'll see the sea, someday I'll see mountains,
but tonight I'll sing, my lips and ears
carried by the wind.
Lover.
My room's got a perfect view
of the mall: in silhouette,
the lights distant, twinkling like stars.
Beloved.
When I'm grown, I'll scare away the cats.
I'll make like an Icarus and wax
the hairs off my skin. I'll launch myself
out of my bedroom window, shadow the hot tin roof.
Make sure you get my good side.
Lover.
They raped mountains
for that mall, they filled in the sea...
Alright, I'll dance, I'll tap my foot.
Songs
Lover.
I'll dance in the shower,
I know you bugged my room
has a perfect view
of the mall: in silhouette,
its lights distant, twinkling like stars.
Beloved.I am dark but lovely, you daughters of Jerusalem.
I know I've got the blood of birds,
dad was a bird and mom was a bird. They flew
out of the countryside and into the city,
they saw the spires in silhouette. I'll fly away too.
Someday I'll see the sea, someday I'll see mountains,
but tonight I'll sing, my lips and ears
carried by the wind.
Lover. In the Suburbs...
Turn the radio on? Rather read a book,
she stops too short of intelligence. I admit,
fame makes me jealous, but what makes me even madder
is how they don't see the truth. They've killed too many
innocent kids, I think. They're only sick.
I like black music, too.
I admit, I find her sexy
they raped mountains
for the mall, they filled in the sea
Alright, I'll dance, I'll tap my foot.
Beloved.
When I'm grown, I'll scare away the cats.
I'll make like an Icarus and wax
the hairs off my skin. I'll launch myself
out of my bedroom window, shadow the hot tin roof
Make sure you get my good side.
Lover. I see the tossing to and fro of agape and romantic love.
I understand this tossing.
I'll dance in the shower, I knowyou bugged my room has a perfect view
of the mall: in silhouette,
its lights distant, twinkling like stars.
Beloved.I am dark but lovely, Interesting, there's a hint to certain Scripture. you daughters of Jerusalem.
I know I know I've got the blood of birds, A child of freemen
dad was a bird and mom was a bird. They flew
out of the countryside and into the city,
they saw the spires in silhouette. I'll fly away too. eternally secured, but silhouette was used above, is that significant?
Someday I'll see the sea, someday I'll see mountains,
but tonight I'll sing, my lips and ears
carried by the wind. romantic love
Lover. In the Suburbs...
Turn the radio on? Rather read a book,
she stops too short of intelligence. I admit,
fame makes me jealous, but what makes me even madder
is how they don't see the truth. They've killed too many
innocent kids, I think. They're only sick. I am having difficulty with this stanza
I like black music, too.
I admit, I find her sexy
they raped mountains
for the mall, they filled in the sea
Alright, I'll dance, I'll tap my foot.
Beloved.
When I'm grown, I'll scare away the cats.
I'll make like an Icarus and wax this sound like someone from the Bronx
the hairs off my skin. I'll launch myself
out of my bedroom window, shadow the hot tin roof
Make sure you get my good side.
Hi RiverNotch, I'm sorry I can't give the best critique today.
I will likely come back to this poem. I like it very much,
though after reading it several times I haven't caught
all the way on to it.
Hi, river, there's a lovely floating quality to this. I'm not sure what you're hoping to do with the off punctuation, for me it was more distruptive than anything else. I'm still on the fence about those slippery lines that would be enjambed if they were complete. Some notes:
(07-28-2017, 05:14 AM)RiverNotch Wrote: Songs
Lover.
I'll dance in the shower,
I know you bugged my room The idea of playing to the bug is interesting.
has a perfect view for me, a comma after room then "with its" instead of "has a" would work better.
of the mall: in silhouette,
its lights distant, twinkling like stars.
Beloved.I am dark but lovely, you daughters of Jerusalem.
I know I've got the blood of birds,
dad was a bird and mom was a bird. They flew I'm not sure what you gain by not using "dad and mom", I like the break on flew, a lot.
out of the countryside and into the city,
they saw the spires in silhouette. I'll fly away too. I like the repeat of silhouette, it adds to the wispy feeling.
Someday I'll see the sea, someday I'll see mountains,
but tonight I'll sing, my lips and ears
carried by the wind. The poem establishes a dreamy breeze running through it.
Lover. In the Suburbs...
Turn the radio on? Rather read a book,
she stops too short of intelligence. I admit,
fame makes me jealous, but what makes me even madder
is how they don't see the truth. They've killed too many
innocent kids, I think. They're only sick. I'm lost here, I'm ok with the jealous anger but I can't put it together with killers.
I like black music, too. Black music bothers me, I don't know what you mean so I miss the opportuniy for a soundtrack.
I admit, I find her sexy
they raped mountains This is the second slippery sentence where I'd prefer different punctuation.
for the mall, they filled in the sea
Alright, I'll dance, I'll tap my foot. I like the horror of how the land was changed and the acceptance we live with.
Beloved.
When I'm grown, I'll scare away the cats.
I'll make like an Icarus and wax
the hairs off my skin. I'll launch myself
out of my bedroom window, shadow the hot tin roof
Make sure you get my good side.I'd like a period after roof, aside from that a beautiful strophe.
Sometimes writing the critique helps me settle some things I don't get but with this one I still don't get what you are after with the style you used. But still, I'm enjoying the poem, thanks for posting it.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
I'll dance in the shower,
I know you bugged my room
has a perfect view
of the mall: in silhouette,
its lights distant, twinkling like stars.
Beloved.I am dark but lovely, you daughters of Jerusalem.
I know I've got the blood of birds,
dad was a bird and mom was a bird. They flew
out of the countryside and into the city,
they saw the spires in silhouette. I'll fly away too.
Someday I'll see the sea, someday I'll see mountains,
but tonight I'll sing, my lips and ears
carried by the wind.
Lover. In the Suburbs...
Turn the radio on? Rather read a book,
she stops too short of intelligence. I admit,
fame makes me jealous, but what makes me even madder
is how they don't see the truth. They've killed too many
innocent kids, I think. They're only sick.
I like black music, too.
I admit, I find her sexy
they raped mountains
for the mall, they filled in the sea
Alright, I'll dance, I'll tap my foot.
Beloved.
When I'm grown, I'll scare away the cats.
I'll make like an Icarus and wax
the hairs off my skin. I'll launch myself
out of my bedroom window, shadow the hot tin roof
Make sure you get my good side.
Silouettes and or incomplete vizualization of the narrator seem to be the theme here. Lover/Beloved are the narrators friends/family/relationships. The narrator wants to fly away from these things, but not for negative reasons, but because he/she was meant to fly. The second stanza leads me there. There's a gradual acceptance from the author that he/she will never get to truly be who they are until they are older. Once grown the silouette is shed and becomes an Icarus, the true form beneath the shadow, and flies away for good. The narrator wants to be remembered as such, not as they were before shedding the shadow. ("Make sure you get my good side").
This poem makes me feel melancholy, which I think is the point you are trying to get across. A person who feels trapped by their surroundings, not feeling like he belongs, yet when the opportunity arises, he still wants to be a part of the memories of those he leaves behind. Why is the narrator staying though? What holds them back from "making like an Icarus" and flying away now? Right now all I see is a longing to leave, but no real reason to stay or anything holding them back. Perhaps that concept could be fleshed out a bit more, but I'm not certain. What do you think?
I've always wanted to live in a world where it's okay to pronounce both L's in my name.
Some fluff cut. Even I didn't know what I was going for -- maybe capture a certain, frenetic state of mind on the part of the Lover, but all that did was sow confusion. Or maybe talk about bigger things, particularly with that third section: things that the voice isn't appropriate for, or that I'm not cooked enough to express. Still, I hope I'm on the path of making something out of this -- I do like the Beloved's bits. Thanks for the feedback.
ps, fuzzyllama: Beloved/Lover was supposed to clarify that this is two speakers, a la many editions of the translated Song of Songs, from which the piece gets its title. I guess my formatting was bad -- it's not a coherent conversation, sure, but that's what I'm going for.
Hey RiverNotch,
My favorite part of the whole poem is how there seems to be some sort of disconnect between the two speakers. When I first saw "lover" and "beloved", I was expecting this to be sentimental, but I was happily wrong. I'll go into more detail below:
(07-28-2017, 05:14 AM)RiverNotch Wrote: Songs
Lover.
I'll dance in the shower,
I know you bugged my room. -This is an odd opening stanza, but it did grab my attention and make me want to read more. My only suggestion would be to return to this idea of spying on each other (i.e. bugged room) later in the poem.
Beloved.
I know I've got the blood of birds,
dad was a bird and mom was a bird. They flew
out of the countryside and into the city,
they saw the spires in silhouette. I'll fly away too.
Someday I'll see the sea, someday I'll see mountains,
but tonight I'll sing, my lips and ears
carried by the wind. -With the mention of birds, I was sure there was going to be a bee image somewhere else in the poem. Again, I was happily wrong. For some reason, the feeling I get here is that the speaker is referring to her parents being "snowbirds," but that could be just my own interpretation.
Lover.
My room's got a perfect view
of the mall: in silhouette,
the lights distant, twinkling like stars. -I like how the mall is described here. It matches up nicely with the what was said by the Beloved in the last stanza, but also makes the Lover sound a little desperate, but in a good way.
Beloved.
When I'm grown, I'll scare away the cats.
I'll make like an Icarus and wax
the hairs off my skin. I'll launch myself
out of my bedroom window, shadow the hot tin roof.
Make sure you get my good side. -With the mention of Icarus, I got the impression that this stanza might be alluding to suicide and/or death, but again, that might just be my own interpretation. Tying this back to the room being bugged, is it possible for the Beloved to spy on the Lover while flying so high?
Lover.
They raped mountains
for that mall, they filled in the sea... -These lines are wonderfully depressing. They also capture the lover's dejection.
Alright, I'll dance, I'll tap my foot. -Like the beginning, I find this line odd, but it definitely leaves me thinking about the poem.
Songs
Lover.
I'll dance in the shower,
I know you bugged my room
has a perfect view
of the mall: in silhouette,
its lights distant, twinkling like stars.
Beloved.I am dark but lovely, you daughters of Jerusalem.
I know I've got the blood of birds,
dad was a bird and mom was a bird. They flew
out of the countryside and into the city,
they saw the spires in silhouette. I'll fly away too.
Someday I'll see the sea, someday I'll see mountains,
but tonight I'll sing, my lips and ears
carried by the wind.
Lover. In the Suburbs...
Turn the radio on? Rather read a book,
she stops too short of intelligence. I admit,
fame makes me jealous, but what makes me even madder
is how they don't see the truth. They've killed too many
innocent kids, I think. They're only sick.
I like black music, too.
I admit, I find her sexy
they raped mountains
for the mall, they filled in the sea
Alright, I'll dance, I'll tap my foot.
Beloved.
When I'm grown, I'll scare away the cats.
I'll make like an Icarus and wax
the hairs off my skin. I'll launch myself
out of my bedroom window, shadow the hot tin roof
Make sure you get my good side.
I didn't read the first draft until I was done critiquing the second draft, but it answered some of my questions. I find the second draft oddly fascinating, so I don't know if I would even suggest putting some of those details from the first draft back in. I like this poem because some of the imagery left an impression on me, and I look forward to seeing where you go from here with this one.
I enjoyed it, though the ending was a bit abrupt.
One issue with poetry written thus, as dialogues, is that it can remain a loose jumble of images, it's people talking past each other, after all, is that it comes across as being a cop out of writing something more structured. Or maybe that's just my preference talking.
Thanks for posting
(07-28-2017, 05:14 AM)RiverNotch Wrote: Songs
Lover.
I'll dance in the shower,
I know you bugged my room.
Beloved.
I know I've got the blood of birds, .....a pretty line, and enigmatic
dad was a bird and mom was a bird. They flew .....three 'birds', but not a problem
out of the countryside and into the city,
they saw the spires in silhouette. I'll fly away too. ....I like the unexpected rhyme here
Someday I'll see the sea, someday I'll see mountains,
but tonight I'll sing, my lips and ears
carried by the wind. ....not sure how ears can be carried by the wind....you don't speak with your ears
Lover.
My room's got a perfect view
of the mall: in silhouette,
the lights distant, twinkling like stars. ...pretty
Beloved.
When I'm grown, I'll scare away the cats.
I'll make like an Icarus and wax
the hairs off my skin. I'll launch myself
out of my bedroom window, shadow the hot tin roof.
Make sure you get my good side. ....beautiful line.
Lover.
They raped mountains
for that mall, they filled in the sea... ....the lover sounds like a hysterical nerd, no offence
Alright, I'll dance, I'll tap my foot.
Songs
Lover.
I'll dance in the shower,
I know you bugged my room
has a perfect view
of the mall: in silhouette,
its lights distant, twinkling like stars.
Beloved.I am dark but lovely, you daughters of Jerusalem.
I know I've got the blood of birds,
dad was a bird and mom was a bird. They flew
out of the countryside and into the city,
they saw the spires in silhouette. I'll fly away too.
Someday I'll see the sea, someday I'll see mountains,
but tonight I'll sing, my lips and ears
carried by the wind.
Lover. In the Suburbs...
Turn the radio on? Rather read a book,
she stops too short of intelligence. I admit,
fame makes me jealous, but what makes me even madder
is how they don't see the truth. They've killed too many
innocent kids, I think. They're only sick.
I like black music, too.
I admit, I find her sexy
they raped mountains
for the mall, they filled in the sea
Alright, I'll dance, I'll tap my foot.
Beloved.
When I'm grown, I'll scare away the cats.
I'll make like an Icarus and wax
the hairs off my skin. I'll launch myself
out of my bedroom window, shadow the hot tin roof
Make sure you get my good side.
My overall impression of this poem is that it's got some lovely lines, particularly:
