07-20-2017, 05:39 AM (This post was last modified: 09-26-2017, 02:44 AM by Todd.)
Revision 3
I hadn’t dated since the alien
invasion. Those days weren’t consumed by weather
balloons or the Roswell conspiracies
of my parents; it was Doomsday
and funerals, and a Pulitzer I never mention.
In this world, love doesn’t fall from the sky.
My date’s hair was the pale gold of hay
from one of those flat states like Nebraska.
He had the full Midwestern
carry a pickup truck on his shoulders look;
I guess I have a type—especially with the glasses
which always make them look smart,
and reminds me of how stupid I can be. I was done
being someone who needed saving. I was done
waiting for proof. If anything was to come of this,
I would have to create my own evidence.
I used a small caliber to reduce the risk
to others and timed the shot with the champagne
they popped at the table. The cork flew
over my head. You learn to get down
when someone shoots one of them. I never
could get used to the ricochets, the rebounds.
It was a surprise when his blood bubbled up
to fill my glass. Not sure how he managed it.
It doesn’t matter. Even when buried,
they always return.
~~
Edit 1: (Paul)
Edit 2: (CRNDLSM, Richard
Edit 3: Slight Adjustment to the Ending not worth a bump.
Revision 2
I hadn’t dated since the alien
invasion. Those days weren’t consumed by weather
balloons or the Roswell conspiracies
of my parents; it was Doomsday
and funerals, and a Pulitzer I never mention.
In this world, love doesn’t fall from the sky.
My date’s hair was the pale gold of hay
from one of those flat states like Nebraska.
He had the full Midwestern
carry a pickup truck on his shoulders look;
I guess I have a type—especially with the glasses
which always make them look smart,
and reminds me of how stupid I can be. I was done
being someone who needed saving. I was done
waiting for proof. If anything was to come of this,
I would have to create my own evidence.
I used a small caliber to reduce the risk
to others and timed the shot with the champagne
they popped at the table. The cork flew
over my head. You learn to get down
when someone shoots one of them. I never
could get used to the ricochets, the rebounds.
It was a surprise when his blood bubbled up
to fill my glass. Not sure how he managed it.
Revision 1
I hadn’t dated since the alien
invasion. In this world,
love doesn’t fall from the sky.
He had that Midwestern
carry a pickup truck on his shoulders look;
I guess I have a type—especially with the glasses
which always make them look smart,
and reminds me of how stupid I can be. I was done
being someone who needed saving.
So, I timed the shot with the champagne
they popped at the table. The cork flew
over my head. You learn to get down
when someone shoots one of them. I never
could get used to the ricochets, the rebounds.
It was a surprise when his blood bubbled up
to fill my glass. Not sure how he managed it.
~~
Edit 1: (Paul)
Original
I hadn’t dated since the alien
invasion. In this world,
love doesn’t fall from the sky.
He had that Midwestern
carry a pickup truck on his shoulders look;
I guess I have a type. Especially the glasses
which always make them look smart—
reminds me of how stupid I once was. I wanted
to show that I wasn’t someone to save.
So, I timed the shot with the champagne
they opened at the table. The cork flew
over my head. You learn to get down
when someone shoots one of them. I never
could get used to the ricochets, the rebounds.
It was a surprise when his blood bubbled up
to fill my glass. Not sure how he managed it.
Hey Todd. I can't find much to improve upon with this one. Some minor notes below...
(07-20-2017, 05:39 AM)Todd Wrote: I hadn’t dated since the alien great line break. Made me smile.
invasion. In this world,
love doesn’t fall from the sky.
He had that Midwestern
carry a pickup truck on his shoulders look;
I guess I have a type. (Especially the glasses this sentence is somewhat of a fragment. Doesn't really bother me as it's dialogue anyway. Maybe take another look at "especially"?
which always make them look smart—
reminds me of how stupid I once was.) I wanted
to show that I wasn’t someone to save. - slightly awkward line for my read
So, I timed the shot with the champagne
they opened at the table. The cork flew "popped" may be better than "opened" for sound, although the slant rhyme with "shot" could be an unwanted distraction.
over my head. You learn to get down
when someone shoots one of them. I never
could get used to the ricochets, the rebounds. nice
It was a surprise when his blood bubbled up to me too
to fill my glass. Not sure how he managed it.
Enjoyed the read Todd. Sorry I couldn't add much.
Paul
Paul, thanks! Popped seems obvious now that you mention it. I can optionally keep opened and replace flew with popped. I'll give both options some thought, but you're right popped needs to be there. I'll look at the fragment and the save line on revision. Thanks for the help.
I really like this one, Napm? really tried to wrap my head around it, but I'm stuck on lois lane because of the aliens. Fall from the sky, carry a pick up, glasses and romantic undertones to Superman. Tried to find it, and learned of both a comic where lois gives some sort of testimony over some gangster), and a short series of superman versus Aliens (Sigourney weaver's) where I might imagine this scenario taking place.
(07-20-2017, 05:39 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision
I hadn’t dated since the alien
invasion. In this world,
love doesn’t fall from the sky.
He had that Midwestern
carry a pickup truck on his shoulders look;
I guess I have a type—especially with the glasses
which always make them look smart,
and reminds me of how stupid I can be. I was done
being someone who needed saving. Superman had many lovers
So, I timed the shot with the champagnedid she shoot someone when the cork popped close enough for blood to spill in a cup?
they popped at the table. The cork flew
over my head. You learn to get down love this sentence learn to get down
when someone shoots one of them. I never
could get used to the ricochets, the rebounds.
It was a surprise when his blood bubbled up
to fill my glass. Not sure how he managed it.very mysterious, champagnes not dark like blood, how is it bubbling in a glass? Metaphors? In the testimony comic lois lane apparently hallucinate but what exactly I don't know, so I'm stuck in comic land and think the words are descriptive in a good and universal way, clear and mysterious. Curious how you came up with it, Thanks for the read!
~~
Edit 1: (Paul)
Original
I hadn’t dated since the alien
invasion. In this world,
love doesn’t fall from the sky.
He had that Midwestern
carry a pickup truck on his shoulders look;
I guess I have a type. Especially the glasses
which always make them look smart—
reminds me of how stupid I once was. I wanted
to show that I wasn’t someone to save.
So, I timed the shot with the champagne
they opened at the table. The cork flew
over my head. You learn to get down
when someone shoots one of them. I never
could get used to the ricochets, the rebounds.
It was a surprise when his blood bubbled up
to fill my glass. Not sure how he managed it.
Hey Todd,
I quite like this piece. You have a wonderful ability with crafting dialogue. Have you ever thought about writing a play? I think you could produce something wonderful.
I feel like there is some sort of allusion at work here, but I'll try to just stick to what is actually going on in the poem:
(07-20-2017, 05:39 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision
I hadn’t dated since the alien -I love the line break here. It creates emphasis on all the right words.
invasion. In this world,
love doesn’t fall from the sky. -Since you are talking about aliens, this line made me happy. I shouldn't have read one of the other critiques because all I see in this poem now is Superman and Lois Lane, especially with this line.
He had that Midwestern
carry a pickup truck on his shoulders look; -This line and the previous one sound so absurd, but also so matter-of-fact that it just works.
I guess I have a type—especially with the glasses
which always make them look smart, -If you wanted to add a bit, you could explain the speaker's type more. Is she/he attracted to more than just intelligence? This is one of those points were there's nothing wrong with that you have, but you could expand on the idea here to make the poem longer, if you want. You could even have the speaker start to go into too much detail, and then cut her/himself off as she/he realizes it. Just some food for thought.
and reminds me of how stupid I can be. I was done -I love the juxtaposition of smartness with the speaker's own admitted stupidity. It makes these lines more striking.
being someone who needed saving.
So, I timed the shot with the champagne-I get the impression that the "shot" the speaker is talking about is a camera shot.
they popped at the table. The cork flew
over my head. You learn to get down
when someone shoots one of them. I never -The wording about the cork here works so well. It sounds like real dialogue and just adds wonderfully to the tone of the poem.
could get used to the ricochets, the rebounds.
It was a surprise when his blood bubbled up -Who died? I get the mystery behind the victim's identity, but again, this is something you could expand upon if you wanted to lengthen the poem.
to fill my glass. Not sure how he managed it. -Is the "he" the victim or the murderer? Is the speaker marveling at the shot that killed someone or the blood in her glass? This could be clearer.
~~
Edit 1: (Paul)
Original
I hadn’t dated since the alien
invasion. In this world,
love doesn’t fall from the sky.
He had that Midwestern
carry a pickup truck on his shoulders look;
I guess I have a type. Especially the glasses
which always make them look smart—
reminds me of how stupid I once was. I wanted
to show that I wasn’t someone to save.
So, I timed the shot with the champagne
they opened at the table. The cork flew
over my head. You learn to get down
when someone shoots one of them. I never
could get used to the ricochets, the rebounds.
It was a surprise when his blood bubbled up
to fill my glass. Not sure how he managed it.
Overall, this is a strong poem. It gives off a wonderful sci-fi element that I would never expect to find in a poem.
I appreciate you put a spoiler in your answer. Ha. Yeah this was a NaPM one. It doesn't borrow from any particular story and I can see from the critiques that I need to add a bit more clarity. If I were to give it a timeline I'd say it's six months after the Death of Superman with the shredded cape waving in the breeze.
(07-20-2017, 11:53 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Spoiler
I really like this one, Napm? really tried to wrap my head around it, but I'm stuck on lois lane because of the aliens. Fall from the sky, carry a pick up, glasses and romantic undertones to Superman. Tried to find it, and learned of both a comic where lois gives some sort of testimony over some gangster), and a short series of superman versus Aliens (Sigourney weaver's) where I might imagine this scenario taking place.
I hadn’t dated since the alien
invasion. In this world,
love doesn’t fall from the sky.
He had that Midwestern
carry a pickup truck on his shoulders look;
I guess I have a type—especially with the glasses
which always make them look smart,
and reminds me of how stupid I can be. I was done
being someone who needed saving. Superman had many lovers
So, I timed the shot with the champagnedid she shoot someone when the cork popped close enough for blood to spill in a cup? I'll add some clarity to this part.
they popped at the table. The cork flew
over my head. You learn to get down love this sentence learn to get down
when someone shoots one of them. I never
could get used to the ricochets, the rebounds.
It was a surprise when his blood bubbled up
to fill my glass. Not sure how he managed it.very mysterious, champagnes not dark like blood, how is it bubbling in a glass? Metaphors? In the testimony comic lois lane apparently hallucinate but what exactly I don't know, so I'm stuck in comic land and think the words are descriptive in a good and universal way, clear and mysterious. Curious how you came up with it, Thanks for the read!--Thanks for the comments. Hopefully, the next edit will clarify without spoiling all the mystery.
(07-21-2017, 03:15 AM)Richard Wrote: Hey Todd,
I quite like this piece. You have a wonderful ability with crafting dialogue. Have you ever thought about writing a play? I think you could produce something wonderful.
I feel like there is some sort of allusion at work here, but I'll try to just stick to what is actually going on in the poem:
I hadn’t dated since the alien -I love the line break here. It creates emphasis on all the right words.
invasion. In this world,
love doesn’t fall from the sky. -Since you are talking about aliens, this line made me happy. I shouldn't have read one of the other critiques because all I see in this poem now is Superman and Lois Lane, especially with this line.
He had that Midwestern
carry a pickup truck on his shoulders look; -This line and the previous one sound so absurd, but also so matter-of-fact that it just works.
I guess I have a type—especially with the glasses
which always make them look smart, -If you wanted to add a bit, you could explain the speaker's type more. Is she/he attracted to more than just intelligence? This is one of those points were there's nothing wrong with that you have, but you could expand on the idea here to make the poem longer, if you want. You could even have the speaker start to go into too much detail, and then cut her/himself off as she/he realizes it. Just some food for thought.
and reminds me of how stupid I can be. I was done -I love the juxtaposition of smartness with the speaker's own admitted stupidity. It makes these lines more striking.
being someone who needed saving.
So, I timed the shot with the champagne-I get the impression that the "shot" the speaker is talking about is a camera shot.
they popped at the table. The cork flew
over my head. You learn to get down
when someone shoots one of them. I never -The wording about the cork here works so well. It sounds like real dialogue and just adds wonderfully to the tone of the poem.
could get used to the ricochets, the rebounds.
It was a surprise when his blood bubbled up -Who died? I get the mystery behind the victim's identity, but again, this is something you could expand upon if you wanted to lengthen the poem.
to fill my glass. Not sure how he managed it. -Is the "he" the victim or the murderer? Is the speaker marveling at the shot that killed someone or the blood in her glass? This could be clearer.
~~
Edit 1: (Paul)
Overall, this is a strong poem. It gives off a wonderful sci-fi element that I would never expect to find in a poem.
Nice work,
Richard
Richard, thank you for the excellent critique. You showed me some areas that needed work. Hopefully, this revision is a step forward.
I've sketched out some rough plays and enjoy writing dialogue--so thanks. I'm glad you liked the sci-fi elements.
