The kitchen was always in winter—its pantry
full of shadows, odours washed in damp soil
and bagged in the fields, picked-at,
white boned carcasses draped
in tea towels set aside to rest.
Thin air wafted a sweetness that drizzled
on cooling cakes and offered up
a promise of fresh buttered bread.
The worn down work tops cut away to hands
that rolled out pastry, and set liquid jelly
outside to cool in the drifting snow.
A bottomless Belfast sink bubbled above
a makeshift step, positioned to giggle child-
labour onto chores.
Its walls gleamed with fired green tiles crafted
flat, almost without seams. Stood in the doorway
between two poems, a child looked along their
mirrored finish, cast a spell—one arm one leg,
the words said, his body lifted off the ground.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
A great read with vivid imagery, a few comments below:
(07-02-2017, 12:23 AM)Keith Wrote: The kitchen was always in winter—its pantry Was always what in winter? It feels that the first sentence is missing a word after always
full of shadows, odours washed in damp soil
and bagged in the fields, picked-at, I feel that the comma after "picked-at" is unnecesarry here.
white boned carcasses draped
in tea towels set aside to rest.
Thin air wafted a sweetness that drizzled
on cooling cakes and offered up
a promise of fresh buttered bread. Gorgeous stanza!
The worn down work tops cut away to hands Perhaps cut 'the' in this sentence
that rolled out pastry, and set liquid jelly
outside to cool in the drifting snow.
A bottomless Belfast sink bubbled above
a makeshift step, positioned to giggle child-
labour onto chores. Adding an adjective to 'Chores' that reflects with 'giggle' would improve the final sentence while also filling it up
Its walls gleamed with fired green tiles crafted
flat, almost without seams. Stood in the doorway
between two poems, a child looked along their
mirrored finish, cast a spell—one arm one leg, Perhaps add apostrophes so the reader knows that these are the words that are being said
the words said, his body lifted off the ground.
I hope you agree with the few comments that i've listed.
Thanks for sharing this, Keith - it's a lovely piece!
this is fascinating.. don´t understand half of it and probably the other half not like it was meant to.
comments include interpretation, therefore hidden.
(07-02-2017, 12:23 AM)Keith Wrote:
The kitchen was always in winter—its pantry
full of shadows, odours washed in damp soil
and bagged in the fields, picked-at,
white boned carcasses draped
in tea towels set aside to rest. rest´s double meaning: creepy and bizarre with the carcasses above;
comma after tea towels?
Thin air wafted a sweetness that drizzled maybe there´s a way to get rid of "that" since it appears again in the next stanza
on cooling cakes and offered up
a promise of fresh buttered bread.
The worn down work tops cut away to hands
that rolled out pastry, and set liquid jelly somehow jelly associates to the weariness in the line above in my view.. another intrusion in the scene that pretends to be idyllic
outside to cool in the drifting snow.
A bottomless Belfast sink bubbled above
a makeshift step, positioned to giggle child- sink and child-labour go along well, bottomless makes me think of pit
labour onto chores.
Its walls gleamed with fired green tiles crafted
flat, almost without seams. Stood in the doorway seams that would let the raw wall appear?
between two poems, a child looked along their the two poems make me think of the green tiles again.. magical fairy tales? I´d make the child a boy (as is later specified) to avoid repetition with the stanza above
mirrored finish, cast a spell—one arm one leg,
the words said, his body lifted off the ground. now I see the levitation: it´s fun to do this (of course one arm, one leg per side of the doorway)… but the shallowness of this association set aside: the act makes me think of trying to connect two worlds or being suspended between two worlds
somehow I think less enjambments in the last stanza would make it easier to read
(07-02-2017, 12:23 AM)Keith Wrote: The kitchen was always in winter—its pantry cold setup
full of shadows, odours washed in damp soil
and bagged in the fields, picked-at, even bagged matched odors and pantry
white boned carcasses draped I can smell rancid but think kitchen future awesome
in tea towels set aside to rest. I kept reading sea towel
Thin air wafted a sweetness that drizzled
on cooling cakes and offered uptotally different tone to the kitchen, from carcasses to cakes
a promise of fresh buttered bread. An offering, I like your word choices
The worn down work tops cut away to hands what's a work top, like tea towel I couldn't just grab it, but I like worn and work, and down and top, hands usually cut, but you wrote it backwards, cut away to, craziness
that rolled out pastry, and set liquid jelly followed by rolling and liquid, your word choices are fantastic
outside to cool in the drifting snow. Like in a window or in the snow?
A bottomless Belfast sink bubbled above sink above, bottomless, not sure about Belfast but for the alliteration
a makeshift step, positioned to giggle child-
labour onto chores. Giggling child labor? The tone is just changing
Its walls gleamed with fired green tiles crafted
flat, almost without seams. Stood in the doorway are tiles usually flat?
between two poems, a child looked along their why poems? The setting is gone, I was in a kitchen, now I picture a hallway, or cupboard
mirrored finish, cast a spell—one arm one leg, love this line.
the words said, his body lifted off the ground.one arm? One leg?
This was a very trippy read, I like the twists on tone, and then surprise spell. I wonder your inspiration for it,
(07-02-2017, 12:48 AM)The Four-Eyed Cat Wrote: A great read with vivid imagery, a few comments below:
(07-02-2017, 12:23 AM)Keith Wrote: The kitchen was always in winter—its pantry Was always what in winter? It feels that the first sentence is missing a word after always
full of shadows, odours washed in damp soil
and bagged in the fields, picked-at, I feel that the comma after "picked-at" is unnecesarry here.
white boned carcasses draped
in tea towels set aside to rest.
Thin air wafted a sweetness that drizzled
on cooling cakes and offered up
a promise of fresh buttered bread. Gorgeous stanza!
The worn down work tops cut away to hands Perhaps cut 'the' in this sentence
that rolled out pastry, and set liquid jelly
outside to cool in the drifting snow.
A bottomless Belfast sink bubbled above
a makeshift step, positioned to giggle child-
labour onto chores. Adding an adjective to 'Chores' that reflects with 'giggle' would improve the final sentence while also filling it up
Its walls gleamed with fired green tiles crafted
flat, almost without seams. Stood in the doorway
between two poems, a child looked along their
mirrored finish, cast a spell—one arm one leg, Perhaps add apostrophes so the reader knows that these are the words that are being said
the words said, his body lifted off the ground.
I hope you agree with the few comments that i've listed.
Thanks for sharing this, Keith - it's a lovely piece!
Hi 4eyes
I like the idea of the adjective to be added. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment sorry I didnt get back sooner. Best Keith
(07-02-2017, 01:33 AM)vagabond Wrote: this is fascinating.. don´t understand half of it and probably the other half not like it was meant to.
comments include interpretation, therefore hidden.
(07-02-2017, 12:23 AM)Keith Wrote:
The kitchen was always in winter—its pantry
full of shadows, odours washed in damp soil
and bagged in the fields, picked-at,
white boned carcasses draped
in tea towels set aside to rest. rest´s double meaning: creepy and bizarre with the carcasses above;
comma after tea towels?
Thin air wafted a sweetness that drizzled maybe there´s a way to get rid of "that" since it appears again in the next stanza
on cooling cakes and offered up
a promise of fresh buttered bread.
The worn down work tops cut away to hands
that rolled out pastry, and set liquid jelly somehow jelly associates to the weariness in the line above in my view.. another intrusion in the scene that pretends to be idyllic
outside to cool in the drifting snow.
A bottomless Belfast sink bubbled above
a makeshift step, positioned to giggle child- sink and child-labour go along well, bottomless makes me think of pit
labour onto chores.
Its walls gleamed with fired green tiles crafted
flat, almost without seams. Stood in the doorway seams that would let the raw wall appear?
between two poems, a child looked along their the two poems make me think of the green tiles again.. magical fairy tales? I´d make the child a boy (as is later specified) to avoid repetition with the stanza above
mirrored finish, cast a spell—one arm one leg,
the words said, his body lifted off the ground. now I see the levitation: it´s fun to do this (of course one arm, one leg per side of the doorway)… but the shallowness of this association set aside: the act makes me think of trying to connect two worlds or being suspended between two worlds
somehow I think less enjambments in the last stanza would make it easier to read
Some good advice here Vagabond thanks for the help I will take it into the edit. Best Keith
(07-08-2017, 10:04 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Really liking this
(07-02-2017, 12:23 AM)Keith Wrote: The kitchen was always in winter—its pantry cold setup
full of shadows, odours washed in damp soil
and bagged in the fields, picked-at, even bagged matched odors and pantry
white boned carcasses draped I can smell rancid but think kitchen future awesome
in tea towels set aside to rest. I kept reading sea towel
Thin air wafted a sweetness that drizzled
on cooling cakes and offered uptotally different tone to the kitchen, from carcasses to cakes
a promise of fresh buttered bread. An offering, I like your word choices
The worn down work tops cut away to hands what's a work top, like tea towel I couldn't just grab it, but I like worn and work, and down and top, hands usually cut, but you wrote it backwards, cut away to, craziness
that rolled out pastry, and set liquid jelly followed by rolling and liquid, your word choices are fantastic
outside to cool in the drifting snow. Like in a window or in the snow?
A bottomless Belfast sink bubbled above sink above, bottomless, not sure about Belfast but for the alliteration
a makeshift step, positioned to giggle child-
labour onto chores. Giggling child labor? The tone is just changing
Its walls gleamed with fired green tiles crafted
flat, almost without seams. Stood in the doorway are tiles usually flat?
between two poems, a child looked along their why poems? The setting is gone, I was in a kitchen, now I picture a hallway, or cupboard
mirrored finish, cast a spell—one arm one leg, love this line.
the words said, his body lifted off the ground.one arm? One leg?
This was a very trippy read, I like the twists on tone, and then surprise spell. I wonder your inspiration for it,
Thank you CRNDSLM sorry to all and yourself for being so late getting back to this one, this is just my nan's old kitchen. Thanks for the feedback, I feel an edit coming on.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Keith, great poem. I liked the word choice, it hides a lot of the imagery in a child's eyes, from being so obvious and defined. It's like the introduction to the kitchen takes a great leap, with no holds barred on safety, until the end of the poem.
(07-15-2017, 08:13 AM)Solstice Wrote: Keith, great poem. I liked the word choice, it hides a lot of the imagery in a child's eyes, from being so obvious and defined. It's like the introduction to the kitchen takes a great leap, with no holds barred on safety, until the end of the poem.
Welcome to the site Solstice, and thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my poem. this is from a childs eye so im glad that comes across thanks for the feedback Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
