Stones

[Leanne]

I remember you from the ground up. We
were smaller then, faces washed, eager to please,
sure that the world would hold us. You came to life
beneath my feet, and I swallowed the breath you had held
for so long before you knew to exhale. 
 
Others knew you, but they were not in my view
and your eyes blinkered with mine. We grew together,
sinned, were forgiven; tore apart, mended each other,
burned and were broken.
 
My others passed. Your others passed. We stayed.
I don’t know you now, but I dream of you
and when the doors close, I know you wait in the dark.

[Achebe]

the last strophe is beautiful

[Leanne]

Thanks. It's all first draft stuff really, just written in the last half hour, though I think it's been sitting in my head for a while trying to think of a way to come out.

[ellajam]

"your eyes blinkered with mine"

Such an interesting, evocative phrase. Don't lose it.

[Todd]

This is lovely.

I puzzled over the title a bit (that doesn't make it bad). I would have expected Dust, but I can see how Stones could work.

I remember you from the ground up. We--The first line does everything I would want a first line to do. It nails the allusion and has the perfect end word.
were smaller then, faces washed, eager to please,--Such an interesting idea that pre-fall rendered them smaller. This works for me whether I read it as a retelling or as a guiding metaphor for a more modern relationship. The faces washed is good because it points back to the dirt origin. The eagerness is also a nice touch. Every point builds on the last.
sure that the world would hold us. You came to life
beneath my feet, and I swallowed the breath you had held--The beneath my feet gives a forshadowment of the dominion issues but what's next to it doesn't scream patriarchy there's still a sense of initial innocence. 
for so long before you knew to exhale.--Beautiful especially given the idea that they are dust imbued with the breath of God and so life is in the breath. Again lovely opening.  
 
Others knew you, but they were not in my view--Satan in the garden and a lead in to claiming lack of responsibility. To a more modern read, past lovers that didn't exist between the current couple.
and your eyes blinkered with mine. We grew together,--I had to check the definition of blinkered (perfect). It fits so well.
sinned, were forgiven; tore apart, mended each other,--I especially like mended each other.
burned and were broken.
 
My others passed. Your others passed. We stayed.--I guess from the allusion this could be their various children.
I don’t know you now, but I dream of you--separation possibly death. The last two lines are haunting. Just using your allusion imagine what death must have seemed like to them.
and when the doors close, I know you wait in the dark.--This ending is a true payoff for the piece.

Very satisfying read. Thank you, Leanne.

Best,

Todd

[nibbed]

Hi Leanne
this is beautifully poetic.
I love when stuff gets tangled in our head
and if finds a way to flow beautifully
through our pen


I remember you from the ground up. We
were smaller then, faces washed, eager to please,                                 ~faces washed is wonderful
sure that the world would hold us. You came to life
beneath my feet, and I swallowed the breath you had held                   ~beneath my feet is very clever, I don't see it as dominance but a hint at the art
for so long before you knew to exhale.                                                 ~could be mistaken as prideful, but more a personal revealing, shedding of armor
 
Others knew you, but they were not in my view
and your eyes blinkered with mine. We grew together,                        ~love that
sinned, were forgiven; tore apart, mended each other,                        ~okay, I choose this L as my favorite
burned and were broken.
 
My others passed. Your others passed. We stayed.                              ~we stayed, sigh...
I don’t know you now, but I dream of you
and when the doors close, I know you wait in the dark.                        ~enough mystery here to make the poem personal to most readers,
                                                                                                             a sort of faceted gem, that can reflect many images



just wowsie
that's all

please have a wonderful day
janine

[Leanne]

Thank you all. You've read quite different things into the poem than I had originally considered, which always makes me very happy.

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

What a wonderful read, Leanne! While reading this, it had me thinking about childhood friends, until i reached the last line.

Thank you for sharing this!

[Leanne]

Cheers for that, Cat

[ellajam]

The last line didn't move me off childhood friends, or siblings/ family. I can see Todd's poem, but it isn't mine.

[vagabond]

 
 
 
I remember you from the ground up. We
were smaller then, faces washed, eager to please,
sure that the world would hold us. You came to life
beneath my feet, and I swallowed the breath you had held       this line and the next is magical.
for so long before you knew to exhale. 
 
Others knew you, but they were not in my view             does that mean “others did not have my view/ insights”?  
and your eyes blinkered with mine. We grew together,       
sinned, were forgiven; tore apart, mended each other,    
burned and were broken.                            broken by the others or by each other? probably just me, but I can´t tell
 
My others passed. Your others passed. We stayed.        … important to each other but apart? (as the next line makes me think)
I don’t know you now, but I dream of you
and when the doors close, I know you wait in the dark.       Makes me wonder if just the dream or the one addressed here really waits. Each way, the feelings are intense.
 

Stones.. can´t touch? Stones..  the core of what a person is? a mysterious poem to me, but a wonderful read

[Achebe]

I remember you from the ground up. We
were smaller then, faces washed, eager to please,
sure that the world would hold us. You came to life
beneath my feet, and I swallowed the breath you had held
for so long before you knew to exhale.  
 
Others knew you, but they were not in my view
and your eyes blinkered with mine. We grew together,
sinned, were forgiven; tore apart, mended each other,
burned and were broken.
 
My others passed. Your others passed. We stayed.
I don’t know you now, but I dream of you
and when the doors close, I know you wait in the dark. 

Returning.
The poem can be read in many different ways. It could be about a dead sibling, although L4 and L5 are confusing in that context. It could be about a childhood friend who became a lover and then moved on.
'Doors' - doors / eyes / and Blake's 'when the doors of the life are closed' .... doors, our gateways to other worlds.
'I know you wait in the dark' - 'thy father's ghost, Hamlet'....or waking memories....or dreams...or waiting for you beyond the bourne....

My only grouse would be that the last strophe is so good that it makes the first two look rather bland. Perhaps I'd even say that S2 has a bit too much tell in 'burned and were broken' / 'tore apart' / 'mended each other', 'sinned'.....


The title is nicely enigmatic.

[Leanne]

I could choose a different title and make it clearer, but to be honest, I'm quite enjoying the interpretations.  Thanks all

I will explain via PM if you wish, but not in the thread as I don't like to prejudice readings.

[Todd]

If I wanted to I could read this title around Pygmalion and Galatea.

[Leanne]

I have a Galatea poem somewhere

[CRNDLSM]

I'm picturing the birth of a volcano

[Leanne]

I'm picturing the birth of a volcano

That could totally work

[rayheinrich]

Thank you all.  You've read quite different things into the poem than I had originally considered, which always makes me very happy.

    Consider yourself even happier.

[Keith]

Hi Leanne
Very much enjoyed the read, your poetry always gives me options that keeps each read fresh and this is no exception, my take and third read was about the N childhood home and I found it to be a celebration and a little sad at he end that its missed, but that could just have been me projecting. Very much enjoyed. Keith

I remember you from the ground up. We interesting line break it makes the word hang, I like that I also like the slanted view
were smaller then, faces washed, eager to please, well convayed bright image
sure that the world would hold us. You came to life
beneath my feet, and I swallowed the breath you had held
for so long before you knew to exhale.  love these lines makes me think of empty rooms learning to breath again as windows and doors open.
 
Others knew you, but they were not in my view
and your eyes blinkered with mine. We grew together, a witness to life very nice
sinned, were forgiven; tore apart, mended each other,
burned and were broken. all the bumps an knocks of life affecting the N and the home
 
My others passed. Your others passed. We stayed.
I don’t know you now, but I dream of you dream is well placed it takes into the night and sets up the end line.
and when the doors close, I know you wait in the dark. Delightfull close. Quite a sad ending I thought at first but on further reads it was more reassuring.

[Leanne]

Keith, I think so far yours is the reading closest to what I had envisaged -- and although I do love to know what alternatives are present in the poem, it's always incredibly reassuring for me to know that what I was thinking hasn't been mislaid entirely. Thank you