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Edit 1
Funny what a little information can do,
reflecting me for you,
receding from view
the me you thought you knew.
Comfort is on the horizon.
Although I'm sure you've always known;
the light had shown
a seed overgrown,
a sword to pierce through the bone,
but comfort is on the horizon.
What does anyone have to gain,
to welcome pain,
or seem insane
just to risk it all in vain?
The comfort is on the horizon.
The future hides behind a glare,
but once you're there,
it's all laid bare,
the truth that love will lead to despair,
but the comfort is on the horizon.
Discovering our destiny,
realities
reflecting you for me.
Funny how we seem to be lost at sea.
Comfort is on the horizon.
Original
Funny what a little information can do,
reflecting me for you,
receding from view
the me you thought you knew.
Although I'm sure you've always known;
the light had shown
a seed overgrown;
a dagger cutting through bone.
The comfort is on the horizon.
What does anyone have to gain,
to welcome pain,
to seem insane
at the risk it's all in vain?
The future hides behind a glare,
but once you're there,
it's all laid bare.
The truth is love will lead to despair,
but the comfort is on the horizon.
Discovering your destiny,
reality
reflects it you for me.
Funny how we can agree to disagree.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 47
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2017
(06-26-2017, 09:29 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Funny what a little information can do,
reflecting me for you,
receding from view
the me you thought you knew. Great line; it immediately introduces the reader to the thematic of the poem
Although I'm sure you've always known;
the light had shown
a seed overgrown;
a dagger cutting through bone. Perhaps instead of 'dagger', go for 'saw' - The bonesaw being a tool specifically made for just that
purpose would give more meaning to that sentence.
The comfort is on the horizon. drop 'The' here to make the flow more natural
What does anyone have to gain, Not too fond of this stanza, i don't feel it adds much to the poem
to welcome pain,
to seem insane
at the risk it's all in vain?
The future hides behind a glare, I like this sentence
but once you're there,
it's all laid bare.
The truth is love will lead to despair, 'That', instead of 'is' would reflect the sentence above more ('it's all laid bare', what is? - 'that' is)
but the comfort is on the horizon. Again, i would drop 'the' here to make the flow better
Discovering your destiny,
reality
reflects it you for me.
Funny how we can agree to disagree.
Thanks for the read, CRN! I think that with a couple small changes, this could make for a fine poem!
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Joined: Jul 2014
(06-26-2017, 09:29 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Funny what a little information can do,
reflecting me for you, reflects me for you (just for rhythm)
receding from view
the me you thought you knew. this me you assumed (not sure if it can be said like that though)
Although I'm sure you've always known;
the light had shown not sure what “the light” would be, though it connects nicely with seeds growing
a seed overgrown; maybe “but the seed´s overgrown”
a dagger cutting through bone. new image –stands a little alone
The comfort is on the horizon.
What does anyone have to gain, “have to” or “what could anyone gain ” ?
to welcome pain,
to seem insane why not go insane? welcoming pain already is in a way
at the risk it's all in vain? risking it´s all in vain (damned affinity to rhythm)
The future hides behind a glare,
but once you're there,
it's all laid bare.
The truth is love will lead to despair, maybe “fear” instead of “truth”
but the comfort is on the horizon.
Discovering your destiny,
reality
reflects it you for me.
Funny how we can agree to disagree. don´t quite understand this last stanza, maybe that´s why I almost think the ending would be stronger without it. “the comfort is on the horizon” is such a good line.
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Joined: Mar 2017
Hey CRNDLSM,
I find this poem starts off with some wonderful intrigue. However, some of that intrigue gets lost because some of the images/thoughts here need to be developed more. I'll go into more detail below:
(06-26-2017, 09:29 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Funny what a little information can do,
reflecting me for you,
receding from view
the me you thought you knew. -I like this first stanza. I'm not a huge lover of rhyming, but the rhymes work here. Plus, this stanza created wonderful intrigue for me as a reader, which made me very interested to see where the poem was going to take me.
Although I'm sure you've always known;
the light had shown
a seed overgrown; -After the first line, I find I'm not super clear on what this stanza is trying to tell me. The seed is especially troubling as an image because you never come back to it. I get the feeling the seed here represents more than it is, but I'm stumped on its meaning (plant pun intended  ).
a dagger cutting through bone. -This line made me think the speaker might be some sort of murderer, but I don't see how it goes with the seed image from the previous line.
The comfort is on the horizon. -This is a nice line. It sums up how watching a horizon can make one feel, or even expresses the idea that better times are coming.
What does anyone have to gain,
to welcome pain, -What pain? I feel like this is a point that could be expanded on.
to seem insane
at the risk it's all in vain?
The future hides behind a glare,
but once you're there,
it's all laid bare.
The truth is love will lead to despair, -What love? Again, I feel like this needs to be explained more.
but the comfort is on the horizon.
Discovering your destiny,
reality
reflects it you for me.
Funny how we can agree to disagree. -This last line made me think that may be the speaker is actually someone in a relationship that has gone awry. Perhaps they were too honest about something, and that ruined the relationship. If that is the case, I would suggest fleshing that idea out more because it's an interesting idea, and I feel like you could say more about it.
Overall, I think you have a great first draft here. My main suggestion would be to expand some of the ideas in this poem. I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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Hi, I have enjoyed this.
Funny what a little information can do,
reflecting me for you,
receding from view
the me you thought you knew. this stanza is a bit tricky, but I like it.
Although I'm sure you've always known;
the light had shown
a seed overgrown;
a dagger cutting through bone. why a dagger?
The comfort is on the horizon. nice, I can hear it sang
What does anyone have to gain,
to welcome pain,
to seem insane
at the risk it's all in vain? I can almost hear the music to this, a crescendo
The future hides behind a glare, and verse leading to refrain
but once you're there,
it's all laid bare.
The truth is love will lead to despair,
but the comfort is on the horizon. a nice, similar line
Discovering your destiny,
reality
reflects it you for me.
Funny how we can agree to disagree. I wanted it to keep going
thank you CRNDLSM.
I like comfort horizon
janine
there's always a better reason to love
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(06-26-2017, 09:29 PM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Funny what a little information can do,
reflecting me for you,
receding from view
the me you thought you knew.
Although I'm sure you've always known;
the light had shown
a seed overgrown;
a dagger cutting through bone. JI think this is where you start to loose me. A Dagger? A seed? A Light. There is a peppering of thoughts but nothing to tie them together into a concrete thought. What is a seed overgrown. The metaphor, it doesn't work.
The comfort is on the horizon.
What does anyone have to gain,
to welcome pain,
to seem insane
at the risk it's all in vain?
The future hides behind a glare,
but once you're there,
it's all laid bare.
The truth is love will lead to despair, This line is old.
but the comfort is on the horizon.
Discovering your destiny,
reality
reflects it you for me. I feel like we are missing a word here.... or something...
Funny how we can agree to disagree.
Hi. For what started off so promising I can't help but feel like this poem fell of the tracks. I think that they last stanza is the one that is supposed to bring it all together, but it doesn't right now. I think if you used the last stanza to bring the rest of the poem into focus the poem would be a lot better. Right now the poem sits as four stanzas of thought that arent brought together by the fifth...
Comfort is on the horizon is OK, but what horizon? Sometimes you have leave it up to the reader, but i think you have used it as a refrain, you should be slightly more focused. Maybe drop the refrain and move this line to the last.
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Joined: Aug 2016
Thank you for everyone's input, I'm going to spend a day soon posting all my revisions
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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