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See Tilly? he asks.
Star Employee.
See her eyes
roll
like marbles in a vacuum cleaner,
spinning their way to a one-off payment.
Tilly don't remember
the smell of grass between her toes.
She spends her lieu in cyberspace,
occasionally sighted only by the grace of
tweets and Ebay receipts.
Tilly don't recall
the taste of paint along her fingertips,
nor the sound of sunshine.
She got no time for the
touch
of human eyes,
and certainly no sight for
human words.
Tilly works,
he admits with a satiated smirk.
She can live her life on flex -
if circumstance allows, o' course.
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Joined: May 2014
Hey Joe. I mostly like this one. A few thoughts below.
(06-23-2017, 05:07 AM)joecarey123 Wrote: See Tilly? (he asks.) - back to this later
Star Employee.
See her eyes
roll
like marbles in a vacuum cleaner,
spinning their way to a one-off payment. I'm not sure if I'm getting this clearly. I don't know if it's overwritten or I am overthinking it
Tilly don't remember
the smell of grass between her toes.
She spends her lieu in cyberspace, I like the use of lieu here but confess it trips my tongue
occasionally sighted only by the grace of Think you could do some cutting on this line
tweets and Ebay receipts.
Tilly don't recall
the taste of paint along her fingertips,
nor the sound of sunshine. You used a similar device - sound/sunshine in another poem. Be careful not too trade meaning for tricks. I am guilty of it always.
She got no time for the
touch
of human eyes,
and certainly no sight for
human words.
Tilly works,
(he admits with a satiated smirk.) This line and the end of the first line in brackets you might do better without. Everything else is a quote and ought to be quoted. I would strike the commentary and let the quote be the poem. - Avoiding all that messy punctuation.
She can live her life on flex -
if circumstance allows, o' course.
Enjoyed the read Joe,
Paul
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Hi again Joe! In this piece, I can see an employee stuck behind a computer screen all day. I get the sense while reading that she is unliked by other employees, and I can feel her disconnection from the outside world trapped at a desk. I'll go into more detail below.
(06-23-2017, 05:07 AM)joecarey123 Wrote:
See Tilly? he asks.
Star Employee.
See her eyes
roll
like marbles in a vacuum cleaner,
spinning their way to a one-off payment.
This verse is dripping with sarcasm. Love it!
Tilly don't remember
the smell of grass between her toes.
She spends her lieu in cyberspace,
occasionally sighted only by the grace of
tweets and Ebay receipts.
I love how you've written in a certain dialect, although grammatically incorrect, it sets the tone beautifully. (ie, "Tilly don't remember", "Tilly don't recall")
Tilly don't recall
the taste of paint along her fingertips,
nor the sound of sunshine.
She got no time for the
touch
of human eyes,
and certainly no sight for
human words.
Tilly works,
he admits with a satiated smirk.
She can live her life on flex -
if circumstance allows, o' course.
I'm taking the commentary as fellow employees who dislike Tilly for the seeming easiness of her job, even though it's not really easy at all to be cut off from the outside world. I personally really enjoy the speaking bits, they work well for me.
If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done. -Unknown
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(06-23-2017, 05:07 AM)joecarey123 Wrote: See Tilly? he asks.
Star Employee.
See her eyes
roll
like marbles in a vacuum cleaner,
spinning their way to a one-off payment.
Tilly don't remember ... mysterious use of pidgin
the smell of grass between her toes. .... hyperbolic, but ok.
She spends her lieu in cyberspace,
occasionally sighted only by the grace of
tweets and Ebay receipts.
Tilly don't recall
the taste of paint along her fingertips,
nor the sound of sunshine. .... or the smell of purple. Too gimmicky.
She got no time for the
touch
of human eyes, .... again.
and certainly no sight for
human words. .... and again. Trying too hard to be clever
Tilly works,
he admits with a satiated smirk. .... and too millennial
She can live her life on flex -
if circumstance allows, o' course.
The poem would benefit if Tilly's motivation to work all the time were explored in a strophe - right now she's just a cardboard character. The last strophe makes it sound like a millennial's uninteresting rant.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 345
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Joined: Feb 2017
hi joecary123
interesting poem
See Tilly? he asks. -Is tilly standing at the desk before the speaker?
Star Employee.
See her eyes
roll -would be nice to see this included in the line above
like marbles in a vacuum cleaner, -I am picturing marbles in a vacuum cleaner, unless they are ball bearing spinning something useful
spinning their way to a one-off payment. I just see frenzied marbles flying about ready to bust up an impeller. Not sure this works, but it is
an interesting visual.
Tilly don't remember
the smell of grass between her toes. -smell?
She spends her lieu in cyberspace,
occasionally sighted only by the grace of
tweets and Ebay receipts. -the speaker is obsessed
Tilly don't recall
the taste of paint along her fingertips, -taste?
nor the sound of sunshine. -sound?
She got no time for the -poor grammar...doesn't match up with "certainly" up ahead
touch
of human eyes,
and certainly no sight for
human words. -makes me wonder about spiritual things
Tilly works,
he admits with a satiated smirk.
She can live her life on flex -
if circumstance allows, o' course. -circumstance? the o' course adds enough whimsy, that there's hope for Tilly to have fun.
I am getting from the poem that the person sitting behind the desk, the boss, overseer, maybe even God(?) determines the freedoms and actions allowed for "tilly"? I certainly read a struggle with power and frustration of life. Interesting use of the word "works"...makes me wonder if the poem has more spiritual ideas knitted throughout. Regardless, I feel sorry the subject has found herself in a limited situation. Perhaps I am misinterpreting.
thank you for the opportunity to critique
I hope your evening is full of peace and joy.
janine
there's always a better reason to love
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Hi all, thanks for the feedback, mostly useful. Will definitely rethink parts (some seem to have understood the angle I was going for more than others!)
