The Somnaumbulist
#1
Bumph. We're home again.
I sleep outside a train-line. 
My room hangs over railways
and I’m lullab-ied by
departures and delays. 
I mutter alterations through the dark.

Crash. They’re back at work again. 
I eat beside a building site. 
My kitchen rests against the diggers 
as I season with cement,  
sprinkle asphalt in my tea;
the next best thing to sweetener. 

Honk. We’re driving off again.
I piss inside a lay-by,
take baths in blood-sucked bubble-wrap
and tousle my hair for drivers’ rear-view mirrors. 
Never quite 
make it to the motorway. 

I won’t stand to be forgotten.
I won’t stand for my bed 
to be built upon. 
I won’t stand.
I won’t stand, at all.
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#2
To be honest, I can't quite tell exactly what the theme is here. In some parts I feel as though the speaker is homeless, then I feel like he takes the train alot and we're speaking of his rides between stops, and then there are areas where it seems he maybe takes the train or subway to avoid driving for some type of fear of it. Regardless of the theme, the ebb and flow of your verses is lovely and flows very well for me personally. I also enjoy many of your word choices and although I feel like I'm grasping at straws when it comes to the theme, it's quite beautiful. You don't have to voice exactly what you were going for if you don't want to, but I would enjoy knowing if you have the time to respond. Thanks for sharing.  Smile

(06-21-2017, 08:58 PM)joecarey123 Wrote:  Bumph. We're home again.
I sleep outside a train-line. 
My room hangs over railways
and I’m lullab-ied by Is there a specific reason for the dash here?
departures and delays. 
I mutter alterations through the dark.

Crash. They’re back at work again. 
I eat beside a building site. 
My kitchen rests against the diggers 
as I season with cement,  
sprinkle asphalt in my tea;
the next best thing to sweetener. I love how you've set up this verse. I can imagine him seasoning and sprinkling his food and drink while asphalt pebbles and cement dust fly through the air.

Honk. We’re driving off again.
I piss inside a lay-by,
take baths in blood-sucked bubble-wrap
and tousle my hair for drivers’ rear-view mirrors. 
Never quite 
make it to the motorway. 

I won’t stand to be forgotten.
I won’t stand for my bed 
to be built upon. 
I won’t stand.
I won’t stand, at all. Here I can feel the sadness take over as his home is transformed into a cold city scape. Wonderful!
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#3
(06-22-2017, 07:05 AM)Flowerchild1093 Wrote:  To be honest, I can't quite tell exactly what the theme is here. In some parts I feel as though the speaker is homeless, then I feel like he takes the train alot and we're speaking of his rides between stops, and then there are areas where it seems he maybe takes the train or subway to avoid driving for some type of fear of it. Regardless of the theme, the ebb and flow of your verses is lovely and flows very well for me personally. I also enjoy many of your word choices and although I feel like I'm grasping at straws when it comes to the theme, it's quite beautiful. You don't have to voice exactly what you were going for if you don't want to, but I would enjoy knowing if you have the time to respond. Thanks for sharing.  Smile 
[/quote]

Hiya FlowerChild, thanks for the comment!

I don't blame you for being unsure as to theme - since writing it, my own idea of what inspired the write hasn't been completely stable, but I'd love to explain it (as best I can!)

It initially began as a very personal piece, about not feeling at home in my own home (a very industrial, unloving environment). However, as I wrote and afterwards, I quickly realised it might resonate with any people who are homeless, or feel the same way. 

I tend to avoid nailing down what I write to a single theme, but perhaps this is a bit too vague!

Thanks again Smile
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#4
Well, it's still beautiful and makes you think, all the same. Perhaps the theme is thoughtfulness in itself. Since the speaker seems to be the only one bothered by the changes going on around him, he is the only one who practices thoughfulness. Just tossing around ideas.
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#5
Smile Thank you - I'm glad it's made you think.
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#6
(06-21-2017, 08:58 PM)joecarey123 Wrote:  Bumph. We're home again.
I sleep outside a train-line. 
My room hangs over railways
and I’m lullab-ied by
departures and delays. 
I mutter alterations through the dark. I like the onomatopoeias throughout. I picture like the house in the triplets of belleville  and the occasional train, but yes train sounds can be sleep inducing

Crash. They’re back at work again. 
I eat beside a building site. 
My kitchen rests against the diggers 
as I season with cement,  
sprinkle asphalt in my tea;
the next best thing to sweetener. Yes, we have a freeway under construction near our house and this is how it feels, stay positive.

Honk. We’re driving off again.
I piss inside a lay-by,
take baths in blood-sucked bubble-wrap you lost me in these two lines.  We? 
and tousle my hair for drivers’ rear-view mirrors. 
Never quite 
make it to the motorway. This whole strophe lost me, i like the imagery up in the first two and almost had it here I just can't visualize it

I won’t stand to be forgotten.
I won’t stand for my bed 
to be built upon. Like you're losing your home?
I won’t stand.
I won’t stand, at all. Sad tale 
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#7
Hi Joe.

I'm new to the forum. Still finding my feet.

I like the feel of this piece very much.

Frank

(06-21-2017, 08:58 PM)joecarey123 Wrote:  Bumph. We're home again. - Wasn't sure you need the 'h' - Bump fits better to me with your other intro words.
I sleep outside a train-line. 
My room hangs over railways
and I’m lullab-ied by - not sure you need the hyphens.
departures and delays. 
I mutter alterations through the dark.

Crash. They’re back at work again. 
I eat beside a building site. 
My kitchen rests against the diggers 
as I season with cement,  - Lovely.
sprinkle asphalt in my tea;
the next best thing to sweetener. 

Honk. We’re driving off again.
I piss inside a lay-by,
take baths in blood-sucked bubble-wrap
and tousle my hair for drivers’ rear-view mirrors. 
Never quite 
make it to the motorway. 

I won’t stand to be forgotten.
I won’t stand for my bed 
to be built upon. 
I won’t stand.
I won’t stand, at all.

Very nice work.
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#8
The imagery is very strong in each phrase. I sense the frustration and feel the lack of sleep.  I also feel a disconnect with the title. I don't  see or feel a sleepwalker here.  I did feel sleep depravity and intrusive elements into the writer's life.  Overall a good piece of verse that failed to connect to its stated subject.   After a second or third rewriting,  I have had to change the title. Often, I write the verses and add the title after I'm satisfied that my sentments have been conveyed.
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