Tradition

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

I

We’ve killed tradition;
sliced open its throat
Made murder a virtue
And dignity a sin
Made colors turn blind
music deaf
literature mute
and the canvas blank
My heart lost rhythm
And my speech lost rhyme
My thoughts have derailed
And my senses had dulled
for my ears refuse to hear
That we murdered tradition
 
II
 
There lays a body
A stiffened corpse
With lifeless eyes
Akin to that of a fish
Marked like cattle
A card sticking out
Under his left lobe
Labeled “Tradition”
And “Long overdue”

[Wjames]

I

We’ve killed tradition;
sliced open its throat
Made murder a virtue This line and the one preceding it do not connect very well, imo. 
And dignity a sin
Made colors turn blind
music deaf
literature mute
and the canvas blank
My heart lost rhythm
And my speech lost rhyme
My thoughts have derailed
And my senses had dulled
for my ears refuse to hear
That we murdered tradition As someone who is generally opposed to most traditions, I like the end of this stanza, as to my reading, it portrays people who rely on tradition as unable to think for themselves without the crutch of their traditions.
 
II
 
There lays a body
A stiffened corpse I would cut "a body" here, "a stiffened corpse" says as much in a much more interesting way, no need to repeat yourself.
With lifeless eyes
Akin to that of a fish Why "akin to that of" instead of a simple "like"? "Akin to that of" says the exact same thing as "like", but wastes an extra four syllables without adding anything to my reading.
Marked like cattle
A card sticking out I would add "with" to the beginning of this line, it helps connect it to the preceding line imo.
Under his left lobe
Labeled “Tradition”
And “Long overdue”

This is an interesting poem. I think it could be made more interesting by changing the "we"s in the first stanza to "they"s. 

This would provide the piece with two different perspectives on the same issue, the first stanza with a narrator in favour of tradition who is not involved in it's death, and the second stanza with the narrator an active participant in its gruesome murder. Or one could read it as a single unreliable narrator, or a narrator who can view both the good and negative aspects of tradition.

Also, why not use punctuation (mainly periods) to help guide the reader? In some cases it can help a poem, but here it simply made reading the poem more difficult for me.

Anyways, I think there's a few kernels of interesting material in here - hopefully my thoughts are useful.

[nibbed]

Hi Four-eyed Cat

I like your poem and the title is very cool, too.
It is encouraging me and has made me curious
to look into pastoral literature.


I

We’ve killed tradition;
sliced open its throat
Made murder a virtue
And dignity a sin
Made colors turn blind
music deaf
literature mute
and the canvas blank
My heart lost rhythm
And my speech lost rhyme                   -interesting as this poem proves this
My thoughts have derailed                    -and disproves this
And my senses had dulled
for my ears refuse to hear                    -but you made the admission
That we murdered tradition                   first line, though I understand the imperative

II
 
There lays a body
A stiffened corpse
With lifeless eyes
Akin to that of a fish
Marked like cattle                                    -branded
A card sticking out                                  -card? please elaborate
Under his left lobe                                   -brain or ear
Labeled “Tradition”
And “Long overdue”                               -like a book that has been checked out too long


super orderly poem
interesting, too


have a wonderful evening four eyed cat
janine

[theyellowfog]

Forgive me if I'm doing this wrong. I'm still new. But I love your poem. I've come back to it many times to try and see if I could get my point across.

At first, I loved the line "sliced open its throat", and wondered if "Made murder a virtue" was the line that actually bothered me. However, upon reading deleting a lot of my critique, I think that if you took out the line "sliced open its throat", the poem would make more sense. The first stanza is all/mostly metaphors, and that line is the only sort of concrete image that you really give the reader. The rest is all metaphors, minus the part where it becomes clear the you as the narrator "refuse to hear/ that we murdered tradition". I realized that you are using "murder as a virtue" as a metaphor, as well. Although the line I'm asking you to remove is very attention grabbing and a wonderful line, I feel like it just doesn't fit with the poem. It makes it feel disjointed, in a way? If you wanted to keep that line, though, I feel like maybe something could be added somewhere around there to make it make more sense, perhaps. 

Great imagery in the second stanza. And beautiful poem overall. It makes me wonder about what traditions myself that I don't really follow anymore.

I

We’ve killed tradition;
sliced open its throat
Made murder a virtue
And dignity a sin
Made colors turn blind
music deaf
literature mute
and the canvas blank
My heart lost rhythm
And my speech lost rhyme
My thoughts have derailed
And my senses had dulled
for my ears refuse to hear
That we murdered tradition
 
II
 
There lays a body
A stiffened corpse
With lifeless eyes
Akin to that of a fish
Marked like cattle
A card sticking out
Under his left lobe
Labeled “Tradition”
And “Long overdue”

[vagabond]

I

We’ve killed tradition;
sliced open its throat
Made murder a virtue              i´d want a hint as to in what way murder is glorified
And dignity a sin                     same here, I´d like to know the setting where dignity is sin.
Made colors turn blind
music deaf     maybe  bleach colors, make music silent
literature mute
and the canvas blank          a canvas is blank until it´s made a painting
My heart lost rhythm  
And my speech lost rhyme
My thoughts have derailed
And my senses had dulled
for my ears refuse to hear
That we murdered tradition           
 
II
 
There lays a body
A stiffened corpse
With lifeless eyes
Akin to that of a fish         
Marked like cattle
A card sticking out
Under his left lobe
Labeled “Tradition”
And “Long overdue”          

there are so many different sorts of traditions, as long as the tradition meant in this poem is not more specified the message in my op. is too generalized.
also in many ways tradition has served to inhibit (exaggeratedly put: kill) new developments.
this fact also may be sometimes better, sometimes worse, depending on which tradition, which new development.
 
 maybe that´s just me and it´s better if the reader has the opportunity to find his own images, but i think because the poem gives such a strong opinion you could include some hint (as to which field it is where traditions are killed and how/ by what).

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Thank you for the replies, everyone! I think i have alot to work with!

[Richard]

Hey Cat,
I like the overall idea of this poem. I do have some suggestions though:

I

We’ve killed tradition;
sliced open its throat
Made murder a virtue
And dignity a sin -I don't mind these first four lines. They clearly communicate your main idea while also sounding interesting.
Made colors turn blind -This is where I get a bit lost. How can colors go blind? Why would the loss of traditions cause this?
music deaf -Same thing with music. I don't understand how music would go deaf if traditions died. I think you need to pick one or two of these lines and expand them. May be give a specific example of a type of music that would be lost if tradition was killed. Then from there, go into more detail about why that type of music went deaf.
literature mute
and the canvas blank
My heart lost rhythm
And my speech lost rhyme
My thoughts have derailed
And my senses had dulled
for my ears refuse to hear -These lines clearly indicate how important tradition was to the speaker. However, I feel like this point could be explored more. Why are traditions so important to him/her?
That we murdered tradition
 
II
 
There lays a body
A stiffened corpse
With lifeless eyes
Akin to that of a fish
Marked like cattle -This is something I've been guilty of more than once, but be careful about mixing your metaphors. Think about this, you've compared tradition to a dead fish and a doomed cow while also starting this stanza by saying it's a corpse. I would suggest picking one and exploring it as much as you can.
A card sticking out
Under his left lobe
Labeled “Tradition”
And “Long overdue” -When you say "Long overdue", do you mean tradition's death should have already happened, or do you mean tradition itself is long overdue, so it needs to return? I actually like the ambiguity in this ending.

I think you have a nice first draft here. Your main idea is strong and worth exploring. My main suggestion would be to go into more detail with some of your images, so you express your main idea more effectively.

Cheers,
Richard

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

This is where I get a bit lost. How can colors go blind? Why would the loss of traditions cause this?
Same thing with music. I don't understand how music would go deaf if traditions died. I think you need to pick one or two of these lines and expand them. May be give a specific example of a type of music that would be lost if tradition was killed. Then from there, go into more detail about why that type of music went deaf.

Generally speaking out of personal experience, people that hold tradition in high regard comment on contemporary arts. 
Allow me to elaborate: 
The Colors go blind - The individual has a grey/shady outlook on today's society, no colors.
The music goes deaf- They dislike the current styles of music
The literature mute - Today's literature does not meet up to their standards
The canvas stays blank - Like literature, it does not meet up to their standards

These lines clearly indicate how important tradition was to the speaker. However, I feel like this point could be explored more. Why are traditions so important to him/her?

Because tradition has died, so have the arts (According to the speaker in S1), the exploration of this goes in the previous lines 

II
 
This is something I've been guilty of more than once, but be careful about mixing your metaphors. Think about this, you've compared tradition to a dead fish and a doomed cow while also starting this stanza by saying it's a corpse. I would suggest picking one and exploring it as much as you can. 
I'll keep that in mind, thank you

 When you say "Long overdue", do you mean tradition's death should have already happened, or do you mean tradition itself is long overdue, so it needs to return? I actually like the ambiguity in this ending. 

Yes, it should have happened a long time ago. Keep in mind, that in S1 and S2, there are two different speakers - both conveying their views on tradition


I think you have a nice first draft here. Your main idea is strong and worth exploring. My main suggestion would be to go into more detail with some of your images, so you express your main idea more effectively.

Cheers,
Richard

Thank you for taking your time to reply to me Richard! Especially the advise on overextions on metaphors is something i will definitely keep an eye out for!

[FP123]

Greetings. First crit, to see what I see.

Cheers,

Frank

I

We’ve killed tradition;
sliced open its throat
Made murder a virtue
And dignity a sin
Made colors turn blind
music deaf
literature mute
and the canvas blank
My heart lost rhythm - Seems to be a tense? issue here - from 'have killed' to 'has lost' - as I read it, at least.
And my speech lost rhyme
My thoughts have derailed - Same here from has to have. It's not that it doesn't work, but it doesn't sit within the continuity - maybe needs stanza breaks for tense changes.
And my senses had dulled - and here, a 'had'. Different again.
for my ears refuse to hear
That we murdered tradition
 
II
 
There lays a body
A stiffened corpse
With lifeless eyes
Akin to that of a fish
Marked like cattle
A card sticking out
Under his left lobe
Labeled “Tradition”
And “Long overdue”