the best of trevor

[fluorescent.43]

we're busy now. we smoke, we play around
we stay up to hear the rain turn sour. yeah...
we play, we front, you call me fake
but where's the real me? not here/not for you.
so just take what you get and play,
people move out fast 'round here.
we're busy being heroes,
we're busy finding friends to sleep with,
we were busy then
and we're damn busy now.

we live off gasoline, loose change,
glassy-eyed dreams, and sometimes crack. don't cry,
you're gonna need the salt for your wounds.
we still wait for 11:11 and our mothers,
but we've got the best of dreams and brightest of smiles
to carry us through what's left of today.

you walk on our backs but won't look down,
said us. beauty is wasted on the young, said not-us
but we are the young so we might as well have said it.
yeah- the streets'll cradle us and our parents'll beat us
and our blood'll turn to acid, a grade-a cut of vinegar,
but watch us, we'll find our own beauty
in the destruction of our lives.

words burn easy. you think i can talk
my way out of my life? when i say i'm busy
i'm busy protecting you from the wrath
of our pain and our tears and our lives.
i could put you in this show, you'd need a costume
but we've got plenty lying around.
tickets to the fucked-up lives show are expensive
so i'll treat you, come on in, just for you
if you think we're heroes,
don't fuck with us
don't forget us,
and don't bully me.

[inspired by trevor. also, i know i don't use caps. i know my parents dropped me when i was a baby.]

[Richard]

Hey fluorescent.43,
I don't know who Trevor is, but I'll try my best to critique below:

we're busy now. we smoke, we play around
we stay up to hear the rain turn sour. yeah... -I like the way you describe the rain here. It goes with the poem's tone and also creates a strong image in my mind.
we play, we front, you call me fake -This is the second time you use the word "play". I would suggest using a different word because I'm not entirely sure what you are describing with that word in this line.
but where's the real me? not here/not for you.
so just take what you get and play, -Again with the word "play". This almost gives me the impression that you are writing about children, but that doesn't seem consistent with some of the other images in this poem.
people move out fast 'round here. -I find this line interesting, but it needs to be explained more.
we're busy being heroes,
we're busy finding friends to sleep with,
we were busy then
and we're damn busy now.

we live off gasoline, loose change, -When you say, "we live off gasoline," I get the impression that the speaker and Trevor were sniffing it to get high. Was that your intention?
glassy-eyed dreams, and sometimes crack. don't cry, -If the speaker was living on loose change, how did he/she afford crack?
you're gonna need the salt for your wounds.
we still wait for 11:11 and our mothers, -11:11 is the wish minute, so I get that reference. I don't understand why the speaker is waiting for his mother though? Am I totally misreading this poem, and it is about children? I was thinking this poem was about being homeless...
but we've got the best of dreams and brightest of smiles
to carry us through what's left of today.

you walk on our backs but won't look down, -Is this the same "you" as the previous stanza?
said us. beauty is wasted on the young, said not-us
but we are the young so we might as well have said it.
yeah- the streets'll cradle us and our parents'll beat us
and our blood'll turn to acid, a grade-a cut of vinegar, -I like the image of their blood turning to acid. I don't see the reason for saying it's vinegar though. In my opinion, that detail weakens the effectiveness of the image.
but watch us, we'll find our own beauty
in the destruction of our lives.

words burn easy. you think i can talk
my way out of my life? when i say i'm busy
i'm busy protecting you from the wrath -I would merge this line with the next one. "the wrath of our pain" is a bit redundant
of our pain and our tears and our lives.
i could put you in this show, you'd need a costume
but we've got plenty lying around.
tickets to the fucked-up lives show are expensive
so i'll treat you, come on in, just for you
if you think we're heroes,
don't fuck with us
don't forget us,
and don't bully me. -[b]I would suggest reworking or dropping the last three lines. I find they send a mixed message. The"don't fuck with us" seems like a threat, but the "don't bully me" seems to convey fear. I don't understand why the speaker wants the "you" to remember him/her either. [/b]

[inspired by trevor. also, i know i don't use caps. i know my parents dropped me when i was a baby.] -I'm not a huge fan of caps in my poetry either. However, I would suggest going all the way to the extreme and drop the periods too.

I think you express some passion in this piece. You just need to revise some of it, so it better communicates that passion. I look forward to seeing how you proceed with this piece.

Keep writing,
Richard

[Radetof.Yahska]

Hey,

Feels like an angst-y lyric. A line by line below:

we're busy now. we smoke, we play around                         Is the 'now' really needed?
we stay up to hear the rain turn sour. yeah...                'Hear the rain turn sour' feels like muffdiving, for some reason. The rain has had a sexual undertone since ages
we play, we front, you call me fake                                  
but where's the real me? not here/not for you.             'But' feels superfluous. 'Not for you' could be in a new line
so just take what you get and play,
people move out fast 'round here.                                  Slightly self-indulgent. If not invested, why write about it?
we're busy being heroes,
we're busy finding friends to sleep with,
we were busy then                                                            When? Where did this come from?
and we're damn busy now.

we live off gasoline, loose change,
glassy-eyed dreams, and sometimes crack. don't cry,                     'We live off... crack' seems unreal. Can't see it.
you're gonna need the salt for your wounds.                                    Very confused here. Don't express pain, save it for a worse day/hurt yourself instead?!
we still wait for 11:11 and our mothers,
but we've got the best of dreams and brightest of smiles               A facade-y feel here, the preceding line makes this sentiment seem hollow
to carry us through what's left of today.

you walk on our backs but won't look down, 
said us. beauty is wasted on the young, said not-us                        Confused by this and the preceding line. Don't get it.
but we are the young so we might as well have said it.
yeah- the streets'll cradle us and our parents'll beat us                  So much teen feel right here
and our blood'll turn to acid, a grade-a cut of vinegar,                    'grade-a cut of vinegar' makes me laugh. I don't think it's supposed to
but watch us, we'll find our own beauty
in the destruction of our lives.                                                             This is a teen sentiment here

words burn easy. you think i can talk
my way out of my life? when i say i'm busy                                       This seems a little delusional, honestly
i'm busy protecting you from the wrath
of our pain and our tears and our lives.                                              cutting your losses? An explanation for actions?
i could put you in this show, you'd need a costume                          self-indulgent
but we've got plenty lying around.                                                      The 'but' isn't needed
tickets to the fucked-up lives show are expensive              
so i'll treat you, come on in, just for you                                           This is in opposition to the sentiment expressed two lines ago
if you think we're heroes,
don't fuck with us                                                                                 our history?
don't forget us,
and don't bully me.                                                                              A good end, for me. Vulnerability is good



Are you the narrator? If yes, this is a fish-eye's view - my grandpa once explained it as being able to see the edges of the truth. There are lines here which are like bandages to keep it all in. Maybe revise it.

Very raw, could be really sharp with revision.

[fluorescent.43]

thanks richard & yahska! crit hit home and will all be carefully thought about for revision.

to richard-- yes, the poem is about children (young adults, to be exact). without context i can see why it would be unclear. as for the last three lines, i'm glad it came off mixed... feared, and fear of- isn't that a teenager in a nutshell?

to yahska-- i am not the narrator. this is more a stylization of all the strange contradictions and pretenses and ticks teenagers have when they become adults too early... in a way, i'm glad you picked up on all the contradictions and things that didn't make sense if you thought about it carefully.

[CRNDLSM]

we're busy now. we smoke, we play around
we stay up to hear the rain turn sour. yeah... I can't explain why I don't like hear the rain turn sour, hearing sour maybe
we play, we front, you call me fake
but where's the real me? not here/not for you.
so just take what you get and play,
people move out fast 'round here. This is very character, sounds spoken, I think you can say around and its close enough to the same
we're busy being heroes,
we're busy finding friends to sleep with,
we were busy then I like the emphasis on busy through here
and we're damn busy now.

we live off gasoline, loose change,
glassy-eyed dreams, and sometimes crack. don't cry,
you're gonna need the salt for your wounds. Crack must be the salt
we still wait for 11:11 and our mothers,I like the 11:11
but we've got the best of dreams and brightest of smilesbright smiles a little cheesy
to carry us through what's left of today.

you walk on our backs but won't look down,
said us. beauty is wasted on the young, said not-us all of this association us not-us we young said is too confusing for me
but we are the young so we might as well have said it.
yeah- the streets'll cradle us and our parents'll beat us
and our blood'll turn to acid, a grade-a cut of vinegar,
but watch us, we'll find our own beauty
in the destruction of our lives.

words burn easy. you think i can talk
my way out of my life? when i say i'm busy
i'm busy protecting you from the wrath
of our pain and our tears and our lives. Nice brining back busy, and change of tone
i could put you in this show, you'd need a costume
but we've got plenty lying around.
tickets to the fucked-up lives show are expensive
so i'll treat you, come on in, just for you
if you think we're heroes,
don't fuck with us
don't forget us,
and don't bully me. Don't bully me sounds out of place, but maybe that's fundamental to Trevor

[inspired by trevor. also, i know i don't use caps. i know my parents dropped me when i was a baby.] Do you know you don't use caps?