Drunk Text

[Tiger the Lion]

Drunk Text
 
There are nights
when my finger hovers
poised over the send button
like a needle at a vein.
 
One day you’ll get it.

[just mercedes]

Good night/day tension. Teeters, like a drunk. The end feels almost nasty. Lots packed into this. I like.


Drunk Text

There are nights   - Some nights?
(when) my finger hovers
(poised) over the send button
like a needle at a vein. - over/at, maybe it should be one or the other, not both.

One day you’ll get it. regretful, or threatening - can be read both ways

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks so much Merc. All good suggestions. As I read it by your edit, I like it. 

Good night/day tension. Teeters, like a drunk. The end feels almost nasty. Lots packed into this. I like.


Drunk Text

There are nights   - Some nights? - thought about that but like the certainty of 'there are'
(when) my finger hovers - yes
(poised) over the send button - yes. Got lost here deciding if I had enough room for finger/hovers - lingers/over - the rhymes got cramped.

like a needle at a vein. - over/at, maybe it should be one or the other, not both. - yes

One day you’ll get it. regretful, or threatening - can be read both ways - I don't wanna give away the ending but...