Posts: 17
Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2018
Tie it up on me.
Tie it up tight.
Let me be trapped in the
still of the night.
Keep me imprisoned,
Keep me subdued,
Anything else
Would just ruin the mood.
Silence my crying,
Silence my voice.
Lead me to feel
I had no other choice.
Break me with violence,
Break me with fear.
Leave me to wonder
how I ever got here.
Laugh as you hurt me,
Laugh at the shadows.
Hear the beat of my heart
as it quakes and it rattles.
Cover me in anguish,
Cover me in scorn,
Rip at my clothes 'til
they're tattered and torn.
Mock my entrapment.
Mock my cold face.
Treat me like garbage,
that's cheap to replace.
Leave me in darkness,
Leave my pain to release.
And perhaps in the madness
I'll finally find peace.
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey TemporaryForever,
I like the rhythm here. However, you need to keep in mind that when you rhyme with shorter lines like in this poem, it is often done with a comic effect in mind. My main suggestion would be to rewrite this so each stanza is two lines instead of four. I'll give an example below:
(04-23-2018, 12:09 PM)TemporaryForever Wrote: Tie it up on me.
Tie it up tight.
Let me be trapped in the
still of the night. -I would suggest rewriting this stanza so it reads something like:
Tie it up on me, tie it up tight.
Let me be trapped in the still of the night.
Keep me imprisoned,
Keep me subdued,
Anything else
Would just ruin the mood.
Silence my crying,
Silence my voice.
Lead me to feel
I had no other choice.
Break me with violence,
Break me with fear.
Leave me to wonder
how I ever got here.
Laugh as you hurt me,
Laugh at the shadows.
Hear the beat of my heart
as it quakes and it rattles.
Cover me in anguish,
Cover me in scorn,
Rip at my clothes 'til
they're tattered and torn.
Mock my entrapment.
Mock my cold face.
Treat me like garbage,
that's cheap to replace.
Leave me in darkness,
Leave my pain to release.
And perhaps in the madness
I'll finally find peace.
I would also suggest rethinking some of the repetition. You could definitely keep some, but it's overdone when it's in each stanza. I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
I liked the overall flow and rhythm of the poem!
I do think that you should try to add some more creative analogies/metaphors/lines, as this is a more common poetic topic. But the darker edge you have is very good.
I also liked that the last stanza was more positive and different from the rest, but I'm wondering if you can ease into it better, or if the abrupt change is good the way it is.
There is something off about this for me. I am not sure what night has to do with it all. A lot of the language is also sort of obvious. The rhyming is also just a little bad. For the amount of interest it holds it is way too long. Thats cheap to replace? Doesnt work. And the ending is just sort of bogus. We are left with nothing.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
i get the impression of 50 shades of something. for me the poem lacks real depth as it's all tell. lots of cliche which if swapped out for original phrases would help lift the piece. a more subtle set of rhymes would also help improve the poem.
cliches: still of night, i had no other choice, hear the beat of my heart, i'll finally find peace.
a few more lines are suspect or old. but in general cliche weakens the poem. i think the opening two lines ware the best of the poem, they make the reader think, after that it weakens by the line.
(04-23-2018, 12:09 PM)TemporaryForever Wrote: Tie it up on me.
Tie it up tight.
Let me be trapped in the
still of the night.
Keep me imprisoned,
Keep me subdued,
Anything else
Would just ruin the mood.
Silence my crying,
Silence my voice.
Lead me to feel
I had no other choice.
Break me with violence,
Break me with fear.
Leave me to wonder
how I ever got here.
Laugh as you hurt me,
Laugh at the shadows.
Hear the beat of my heart
as it quakes and it rattles.
Cover me in anguish,
Cover me in scorn,
Rip at my clothes 'til
they're tattered and torn.
Mock my entrapment.
Mock my cold face.
Treat me like garbage,
that's cheap to replace.
Leave me in darkness,
Leave my pain to release.
And perhaps in the madness
I'll finally find peace.
