At dusk

[bogpan]

At dusk
the leaves are bending.

They are fading away.
The light they are closing.

Under the ground
I won't be.

[Mopkins]

At dusk
the leaves are bending.
(hmm bit bleakly dim, maybe a colourful sunset reference or autumn leaves or somesuch - but you have a nice wee bit of bbeees and eees... r the leaves bending in the fast/slow breeze? burdened by snow? dew? rain? we need some reason for the bending bits and some kind of light dawning/setting over the horizon to add a bit of colour i fink...)


They are fading away.
(huh? as in into the distance at slow/fast/light speed? fading to bleachedness? dying slowly of decrepancy? wot u mean huh?)
The light they are closing.
(hmmm intriguing.... as in red curtains on stage? a door to tomorrow morning? finished the end of the book of hours? the store? the bar? i fink it needs furvur explaining)

Under the ground
I won't be.
(well, it's all very good to be positive, but defying death is only for avatars afaik so far, perhaps a date, such as 'under the ground/i won't be/today'

hmm not bad not bad but you need to be less haiku, more sylvia plath or so, but nice pondering on the meaning of it all, cheers for the rebirth

[vagabond]

At dusk
the leaves are bending.

They are fading away.
The light they are closing.

Under the ground
I won't be.

consider "bending/ towards the ground" so you might get rid of "they are fading away", which is too clear an explanation in my opinion.
light should be plural.
the last line needs a proof or simply the statement that no one wants to be.

[bogpan]

At dusk
the leaves are bending.

They are fading away.
The light they are closing.

Under the ground
I won't be.

consider "bending/ towards the ground" so you might get rid of "they are fading away", which is too clear an explanation in my opinion.
light should be plural.
the last line needs a proof or simply the statement that no one wants to be.

Thanks for the suggestion. I will think about it. Does Faith Need Evidence?

[vagabond]

no it doesn´t.. i didn´t realize that it was a religious poem.

[Mopkins]

no faith needs no evidence.... my god is entirely unexplored/uncharted/undocumented, possibly even illicit..... and only he knows who the fuck he is and wtf he's up to

[nibbed]

At dusk
the leaves are bending.

They are fading away.                   Should this be two separate sentences?
The light they are closing.             

Under the ground
I won't be.




May I ask intention?
Is it a poem of faith
or one of deduction?
Interesting...


-nibbed

[bogpan]

At dusk
the leaves are bending.

They are fading away.                   Should this be two separate sentences?
The light they are closing.             

Under the ground
I won't be.




May I ask intention?
Is it a poem of faith
or one of deduction?
Interesting...


-nibbed

Please clarify your question. I do not understand it. Still, I'm not an American. Thanks.

[nibbed]

At dusk
the leaves are bending.

They are fading away.                   Should this be two separate sentences?
The light they are closing.             

Under the ground
I won't be.




May I ask intention?
Is it a poem of faith
or one of deduction?
Interesting...


-nibbed

Please clarify your question. I do not understand it. Still, I'm not an American. Thanks.

Hi Bogpan.

First, I would like to say hello. I haven't had the opportunity to do that. I am impressed with folks who are multi-lingual. I am barely good at my only spoken language, English.

I asked if lines 3 and 4 should really be separated, or should it be: They are fading away the light they are closing.

I was asking your intention. What are you trying to show the reader about At Dusk ? I asked if it is deduction because it came to my mind the speaker expressed great confidence in the last stanza. I wondered if the speaker concluded this through some deduction he/she had not shared with the reader.


Have a blessed night!

nibbed

[moot]

At dusk
the leaves are bending.

They are fading away.
The light they are closing.

Under the ground
I won't be.

I thought this work showed promise. I like the idea, I thought it needs to be expanded upon. I stumbled over the following line:

The light they are closing.

I was not sure what the author intended it to mean. I think with additional work this piece could become a larger poem drawing on the themes addressed. The imagery is promising. I thought the work could use simile.

[Lorvick]

At dusk
the leaves are bending.

They are fading away.
The light they are closing.

Under the ground
I won't be.

I am really trying hard to fully understand your poem. I do not understand what you mean by "the leaves are bending", maybe use a different word, or add a bit more context. I think overall the poem may need a bit more context to it, I am still failing to see the overall concept or point you are trying to convey. I hope that my comment has been useful.

[kenzlee_poetry]

Hi there!
Short and sweet poem. I would consider shortening it even more to keep the original shortness of the poem. For example, "At dusk, leaves bending. Fading away..." It is a little vague and could be explained in greater detail...expand!!

[moanlisa]

Try branches bending instead of leaves and see how it feels to you.

[piggate]

nice poetry but could have added a bit of colour. so much at any time of day and that would only complement your poetry.

[Fae]

I'm not 100% sure on what this poem means, but I do think it has some interesting themes. The idea of nature going into hiding when night arrives, contrasted with the strength of the last line, kind of makes me think you're creating somewhat of a commentary on how the human spirit can survive "night" as in, the feeling of a bout of depression coming on, adversity, and the likes. You could really expand on this, though this is just my interpretation of the poem. I read you mentioned the last line being about faith, so that's kind of how I've interpreted your poem based on what you said. I could be completely wrong though, as I'm a beginner when it comes to critiques and poetry in general. Anyways, here are some of my nit-pickings

At dusk
the leaves are bending.   
(I'd maybe go with shrinking, or shrivelling here instead of bending, though as somebody else pointed out "the branches are bending" would work if you really wanted to keep that word in there)                               

They are fading away.
The light they are closing. (maybe something like... with the light, they are closing - I see them fade away.)

Under the ground
I won't be. (after redrafting and creating other edits of this, you could without a doubt use this

I think you're trying to create a simple poem that has alot of punch. Personally, I find it difficult to explore deep concepts in a simple way like this, so I would say this takes alot of balls, braver than anything I'm attempting at this current time. I'd try and use this poem to write a longer one, then I'd cut down that longer one so that they go along with the themes and message of this draft, and go from there.