Fifth Edit: On a Day Like This

[Richard]

On a Day Like This

Stuck again on what loneliness sounds like,
I remember houses like footprints in the snow,
silent, while I panted, chasing friends
I no longer know; boots oversized
because they had to last two winters.
She, who used to always plan in years
just stared at her last minutes,
what I should have said, lost.

Fourth Edit:
On a Day Like This

The houses
are like footprints in snow.

The draft against my skin
helps me
remember boots
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know.

The winter wind sounds
like half forgotten loneliness,
chasing memories
of home.

Third Edit:

On a Day Like This

the houses
are like footprints in the snow

the draft against my skin
helps me
remember the boots
i’ve lost
following friends
i no longer know

and the winter wind sounds
like loneliness
chasing half forgotten memories
of home

Second Edit:

On a Day Like This

The houses
are like footprints in the snow,
while a draft
lightly cools my skin,
helping me
to remember the boots
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know,
and the winter wind sounds like loneliness,
chasing half forgotten memories
of home.


First Edit:

[i]On a Day Like This

[/i]the houses outside
are like footprints in the snow

feeling a draft
i remember the boots
i’ve lost
following friends
i no longer know

the winter wind
sounds like loneliness chasing my memories of home

Original:

On a Day Like This

on a day like this
the houses outside
are like footprints in the snow

on a day like this
feeling the draft
coming from the window
I remember the boots
I’ve lost
following friends
I no longer know

on a day like this
the winter wind
sounds like loneliness chasing half forgotten memories
of home

[Elizazile]

I found this to be very sweet and sad. I thought Lines 7-10 were especially impactful, and I appreciated that it rhymed while also being imagery that was integral to the poem.  With line 13 being so long, I'm supposing that must be purposeful (something to do with the word 'chasing' and it being a long chase?) but in general I am not positive what it is trying to accomplish.
I also think you could delete "coming" from L6 and then maybe combine L5 and L6? could maybe be 'With the draft from the window'
Thank you for this piece

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

I like the poem. A few suggestions. I would let your title lead into your opening line. What I mean is I think the poem would be significantly improved if you cut lines one, four, and eleven from the poem. I think the refrain got you there but like a scaffold can be removed now. I also think that lines two and three are a lovely image. 

Best,

Todd

On a Day Like This

on a day like this
the houses outside
are like footprints in the snow

on a day like this
feeling the draft
coming from the window
I remember the boots
I’ve lost
following friends
I no longer know

on a day like this
the winter wind
sounds like loneliness chasing half forgotten memories
of home

[Richard]

Hey Todd and Elizazile,
Thanks for the feedback and kind words. Both of you gave me ideas I plan on thinking about. I love how this forum always yields helpful ideas.

Cheers,
Richard

[Lizzie]

Hi Richard. This is quite a nice, compact little mood piece. Ironically, I think it can stand to lose a few more words that aren't necessary.

First Edit:

On a Day Like This -- I think you should tell the reader what the day is like. For instance, on a frosty day, or on a blustery day, etc. If you choose your title carefully, it will convey some mood or sentiment pertinent to the poem.

the houses outside -- Maybe say "houses are footprints in the snow" -- you don't need 'outside' since houses are not inside, by definition... You might put the 'like' back in if you prefer simile to metaphor.
are like footprints in the snow

feeling a draft -- I'd choose a sense to focus on here. Something like I hear the wind or my skin chills from a draft, etc. "Feeling" is just very vague and doesn't give me an image/scene to engage with.
i remember the boots
i’ve lost
following friends
i no longer know -- focusing on the boots/footprints is a perfect frame to work the rest of the poem around, so I like these last 4 lines.

the winter wind -- I'd break on loneliness or chasing, those are more key words than wind
sounds like loneliness chasing my memories of home -- I'd bring back "half-forgotten." I liked how that works with the way that snow drifts and changes, covering things up and changing formation. Things get lost or covered over, kind of like when waves wash up on shore and erase what was on the sand. Just a thought.

Nice job. Hope this helps,

Lizzie

[Richard]

Hey Lizzie,
Thanks for the feedback. The word "outside" is one that I tend to needlessly over use, but it's something I'm starting to catch myself with now when I write. You've given me some ideas of where to go next with this piece, and I greatly appreciate that.

Thanks again,
Richard

---

Hey all,
I did some editing with this piece. I was never really happy with what it was, so thanks to Lizzie for getting me thinking about it again. I decided to add some punctuation and play around with the structure, so please let me know if it makes it better or worse.

Cheers,
Richard

[just mercedes]

Hi Richard - some notes on your poem

Second Edit:

On a Day Like This

The houses
are like footprints in the snow, This is a very passive beginning; first line needs to be strong
while a draft      is ‘while’ needed?
lightly cools my skin, ‘lightly cools’ ?
helping me nice line break
to remember the boots ‘to remember’ passive - reminding me of, recalling for me, something active
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know,
and the winter wind sounds like loneliness, ‘and’ makes this prosey. good metaphor, comma not needed
chasing half forgotten memories
of home. disappointing final line

One run-on sentence doesn’t work for me. I think your poem would benefit with a period at the end of lines two and nine. The extra caesura would add emphasis, much as your stanza break does. I like it.

I like the way the poem moves, from houses to footprints, to boots, to lost friends, lost home, reflecting back to the houses at the beginning.

Also like the tone of ‘duende’ - or ‘hiraeth’ - throughout.

[Richard]

Hey just mercedes,
Thanks for the feedback. The "lightly cools" was me playing around with the draft image. I appreciate the comment about the run-on sentence element. I was very curious if that was working stylistically.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
Decided to play around with this one because I might use it for a poetry reading I am taking part. Any suggestions are always appreciated.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[alonso ramoran]

Hey Richard,
This is a nice read. Some comments below.

On a Day Like This

The houses I feel like for this couplet, you could add a descriptor to "houses" and remove the "like", thus making it a metaphor. Just an idea.
are like footprints in snow.

The draft against my skin
helps me
remember boots
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know.

The winter wind sounds A draft is already mentioned in the above stanza, and I would have thought that winter wind should come before the mentioning of a draft? To establish the season (if it already hasn't been already, which it has)? And the use of "draft" makes it seem like you were indoors in that second stanza; if you were, maybe you could rewrite instead as "winter draft", then omit the "winter" in "winter wind"; this could possibly leave a bit more space for you to experiment. Hope that makes sense.
like half forgotten loneliness, dash in half-forgotten?
chasing memories
of home.

Third Edit:

On a Day Like This

the houses
are like footprints in the snow

the draft against my skin
helps me
remember the boots
i’ve lost
following friends
i no longer know

and the winter wind sounds
like loneliness
chasing half forgotten memories
of home

Second Edit:

On a Day Like This

The houses
are like footprints in the snow,
while a draft
lightly cools my skin,
helping me
to remember the boots
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know,
and the winter wind sounds like loneliness,
chasing half forgotten memories
of home.


First Edit:

[i]On a Day Like This

[/i]the houses outside
are like footprints in the snow

feeling a draft
i remember the boots
i’ve lost
following friends
i no longer know

the winter wind
sounds like loneliness chasing my memories of home

Original:

On a Day Like This

on a day like this
the houses outside
are like footprints in the snow

on a day like this
feeling the draft
coming from the window
I remember the boots
I’ve lost
following friends
I no longer know

on a day like this
the winter wind
sounds like loneliness chasing half forgotten memories
of home

Thanks for the read and good luck with the poetry reading,

Alex

[Knot]

.
Hi Richard,
like the mood of the piece, but
it seems to lack a little focus.

The houses
are like footprints in snow.
- agree with Alex about 'like'
(and that a descriptor would
improve the line),
maybe
leave their footprints in the snow
(to fit with 'following' and 'chasing') ?

The draft against my skin
- I think 'against my skin'
is implied (or else you need
to be a bit more specific
about which part of N's skin) -
but it does feel rather clichéd though.
helps me
remember boots
I’ve lost,
following friends
- I like the idea, but 'following'
seems a little weak.
I no longer know.

The winter wind sounds
- 'wind' after 'draft' seems
unnecessary. Just cut 'wind'.
like half forgotten loneliness,
chasing memories
of home.
'chasing memories of home'
seems a more interesting
variation on the 'following
friends' line. But if it's 'half
forgotten' then it's not as
poignant as it first appears,
is it?

I like the idea of the repetition
of the phrase 'on a day like this'
from the original, but you'd need
to rework S1 and S2.

On a day like this

the lines of houses
leave their footprints in the snow,
marching south.

and the draft that slips
through/between/beneath ...
....
...

On a day like this
the winter sounds
like loneliness chasing memories
of home.


Best, Knot.

.

[milo]

Hello Richard and thank you for posting this

On a Day Like This

The houses
are like footprints in snow.

I don't think "The Houses" holds it's own as a line.  I have pondered over this seemingly random break of a complete thought and I can't quite figure out why you did it.  The image of house as footprints is intellectually interesting but visually confusing to me.  It would be great if it was developed later in the poem so I could complete the metaphor but if it is, I never found it.

The draft against my skin
helps me
remember boots
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know.

And I see you continue the practice of breaking up complete thoughts arbitrarily.  On the one hand, I like the thought of the breaks falling on important words, "skin, me, boots, lost, friends, know" but the overuse of them breaks the thought train so often it dilute the whole.

"helps me"
"I've lost"
"following friends"

These are, imo, terrible lines that need a lot of help.

"remember boots" makes me think momentarily that this is actually a poem about a lost kitten.

The winter wind sounds
like half forgotten loneliness,
chasing memories
of home.

This ending reads like teenage naff poetry. What does half forgotten loneliness sound like? How is it different from the sound of fully forgotten lonliness?  What about completely remembered lonliness?  I don't know what any of these sound like.  I do know what winter wind sounds like.  The trick is to compare something a reader doesn't know the sound of to something they do so they can share the experience but what you have done is compare something I do know the sound of to something I don't.

"chasing memories of home"

If this isn't a cliché let's please declare it one.

Regards

Third Edit:

On a Day Like This

the houses
are like footprints in the snow

the draft against my skin
helps me
remember the boots
i’ve lost
following friends
i no longer know

and the winter wind sounds
like loneliness
chasing half forgotten memories
of home

Second Edit:

On a Day Like This

The houses
are like footprints in the snow,
while a draft
lightly cools my skin,
helping me
to remember the boots
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know,
and the winter wind sounds like loneliness,
chasing half forgotten memories
of home.


First Edit:

[i]On a Day Like This

[/i]the houses outside
are like footprints in the snow

feeling a draft
i remember the boots
i’ve lost
following friends
i no longer know

the winter wind
sounds like loneliness chasing my memories of home

Original:

On a Day Like This

on a day like this
the houses outside
are like footprints in the snow

on a day like this
feeling the draft
coming from the window
I remember the boots
I’ve lost
following friends
I no longer know

on a day like this
the winter wind
sounds like loneliness chasing half forgotten memories
of home

[/quote]

[Richard]

Hey all,
Thanks for the feedback. You all give me some wonder ideas to think about before attempting another edit, especially the comments about the ending. I was very curious if the change I made to the ending was effective or not.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Cesar]

On a Day Like This

The houses
are like footprints in snow. ----------------> This statement is kind of out right, and I believe a more artistic approach would really set the mood for the poem.

The draft against my skin
helps me
remember boots
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know.

The winter wind sounds
like half forgotten loneliness, ------> kind of abstract, maybe add some concrete words, and utilize imagery.
chasing memories    -----------------> This ending is pretty abrupt, and I believe 
of home.

I love the poem, and it shows great potential. Please consider a few suggestions. 

The houses, 
mere footprints in snow
remind me of the past I so often push away.


The bitter draft scarping against my skin
helps me
remember boots
I’ve lost,
chasing friends
I no longer know.
Who no longer see me standing behind the clear glass of memory.

The winter wind sounds 
like half forgotten loneliness, 
chasing memories 
of home. 

[Richard]

Hey all,
I think I might have went a bit overboard here with the edit, but feel free to let me know what you think.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Knot]

.
Hi Richard,
like the idea behind the revision,
the 'last two winters' and 'plan in years'
are very strong additions, but now it
looks like in needs opening up.

On a Day Like This

I'm stuck, again, on what loneliness sounds like
[at some point, I think, you have to more clearly
explain why you're 'stuck']
- I remember houses like footprints in the snow,
[not enough here, and the snow/know ryhme's a bit intrusive]
silent, while I panted, chasing friends
[panted isn't motivation, why are you 'chasing' ?]
I no longer know; boots oversized
because they had to last two winters.
[excellent addition]
She, who used to always plan in years
[and again]
just stared at her last minutes,
[the idea works, the phrasing could be improved]
- what I should have said, lost.
[ending on 'lost' is too heavy handed]


Best, Knot.



.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I was very curious about thoughts on the ending, so I appreciate what you had to say there. I also am happy to hear that near additions help the poem. I think I might be stuck too much on some of the images from the original (i.e. the houses being like foortprints), so I will give them some thought in the next edit.

Thanks again,
Richard