R.I.P.

[Cesar]

R.I.P.

Beauty in the midst of death; painful and scarring,

No escape from such a natural fate,

But rest in utter silence and peace.

No longer to suffer,

Nothing more to lose,

And no more pain to endure.

Beauty in the midst of death; peaceful and silent.

Forever, R.I.P.

[rowens]

The only idea I have about this is that if you switch the painful and scarring and the peaceful and silent. If they switch places. But that's not the effect you were going for, and everything was already said in the title.

[milo]

Hello and thank you for posting.  The first thing I would say is maybe it is better to not center justify.  Especially on the internet it makes it tougher to read and demotes your line breaks

R.I.P.

Beauty in the midst of death; painful and scarring,

No escape from such a natural fate,

But rest in utter silence and peace.

No longer to suffer,

Nothing more to lose,

And no more pain to endure.

Beauty in the midst of death; peaceful and silent.

Forever, R.I.P.

So, first I would note there are a lot of abstractions.  Words like Beauty, death, pain, silence, peace etc, lose all value without something to anchor them.  IOW, don't tell me there is beauty, show me beauty or peace or silence and let me decide.

Other than that, there is no new revelation or statement on death. I feel nothing at this because I really don't know anything new.  Something died?  i would imagine there is no more again or suffering, that is really not a revelation.  What died?  i don't really know so i have no feelings about that.  nothing to lose after death?  Kind of obvious. Rest, peace, etc - these are all obvious statements, nothing really new.

This, to me, reads more like notes on a poem - Maybe write a poem about death with imagery that communicates these feelings to me or let me decide.

Good luck with it.

Regards

[Richard]

Hey Cesar,
I agree with a lot of what Milo said. I'll go into detail below:

R.I.P. -I still struggle with effective titles, so I can tell you that you can do better here. This title feels a bit wasted because you end on "R.I.P" in the last line.

Beauty in the midst of death; painful and scarring, -I uncentered it on purpose. When I looked at it centered it made me think you were almost trying to do a piece of concrete poetry, which might be a direction to go in here, if you want.

No escape from such a natural fate,

But rest in utter silence and peace.-What does silence sound like to dead ears? There's an image to play around with.

No longer to suffer,

Nothing more to lose,

And no more pain to endure. -I want an example of the pain this person endured. What was their suffering? You need to go into more detail to draw the reader in more.

Beauty in the midst of death; peaceful and silent.

Forever, R.I.P. -Why not play around with the image of a gravestone that this might be written on? You could then keep most of this poem and just play around with describing the tombstone. Just a thought.

Overall, I think you have a good starting point here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

[billy]

R.I.P.

Beauty in the midst of death; painful and scarring,

No escape from such a natural fate,

But rest in utter silence and peace.

No longer to suffer,

Nothing more to lose,

And no more pain to endure.

Beauty in the midst of death; peaceful and silent.

Forever, R.I.P.

hi Cesar. basically it says death is forever.  you need to use some solid images, metaphor, similes. try not to use words like beauty. show us the person who were they in life, what were they to you, how did they live.

[Cesar]

thnks for replies, but I'm probably just going to forget about this poem honestly. However, I like to submit this kind of word, and to read the criticism, it's a great way to learn. Thank you all again!