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![[Image: the%20monday%20after%20it%20happened.jpg]](http://wordbiscuit.com/im17/the%20monday%20after%20it%20happened.jpg)
< the monday after it happened >
it's bare
you stare
your windows
thoughts
your meaning
movement
moment
you
your stare
it's never now
it's there
the room
emotions bled
no mention of
what can't be said
the dead
what can't be said
your stare
it's bare
the black
the black
it never gives us back
- - -
While criticism is not required, it is sincerely to be hoped for. (Off or On-topic remarks and clever abuse are appreciated as well.)
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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The mood you create with such brevity is skillful to say the least, the title set up takes the reader so deep that they fully understand the contex from the go and the stare...well you nailed it. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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the pain, the fear, the struggle.. the cruel truth.
i realize now why some things can´t be expressed in meter and rhyme.
Posts: 444
Threads: 285
Joined: Nov 2011
(05-10-2017, 05:08 AM)vagabond Wrote: the pain, the fear, the struggle.. the cruel truth.
i realize now why some things can´t be expressed in meter and rhyme.
But...
The whole poem, if laid out straight, is constructed of
iambic feet:
it's
bare you
stare your
windows
thoughts your
meaning
movement
moment
you your
stare
it's
never
now it's
there the
room e
motions
bled no
mention
of what
can't be
said
the
dead what
can't be
said your
stare it's
bare the
black the
black it
never
gives us
back
...and lord knows there is more than enough
rhyme!
So this one IS expressed in meter and rhyme.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(05-11-2017, 04:24 AM)rayheinrich Wrote: (05-10-2017, 05:08 AM)vagabond Wrote: the pain, the fear, the struggle.. the cruel truth.
i realize now why some things can´t be expressed in meter and rhyme.
But...
The whole poem, if laid out straight, is constructed of iambic feet:
it's bare you stare your windows thoughts your meaning movement moment you your stare
it's never now it's there the room emotions bled no mention of what can't be said
the dead what can't be said your stare it's bare the black the black it never gives us back
...and lord knows there is more than enough rhyme!
So this one IS expressed in meter and rhyme.
oh my god, i regognized a rhythm, but not the pattern. embarrasing. thank you !
Posts: 444
Threads: 285
Joined: Nov 2011
(05-11-2017, 04:39 AM)vagabond Wrote: oh my god, i recognized a rhythm, but not the pattern. embarrassing. thank you !
No need to be embarrassed; in fact, it makes me feel quite successful.
I intentionally try to hide the metricality. I want the rhythm to be integral to the
poem -- to be felt inside instead of being thought about... sometimes it works.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
