Third Edit: Lost Dreams

[Richard]

Third Edit:

“Lost Dreams”

Do you remember those dreams
we used to have,
filled with clichés
like two kids, a house, a dog,
a livable wage?

We had such lofty hope
about our future,
too young to know
we needed to be cautious
because feathers fall out.

The only way our hope survived
was to burrow into rotten meat,
to be hatched anew
with featherless wings.

Perhaps one day,
it'll come back to us,
silent and dangerous,
like a plague.

Second Edit:

Lost Dream

Where has our hope gone?

Did it try to migrate
for winter
on a broken wing?

Or did it burrow
into rotten meat
so it could fly again?

Perhaps it’ll come back to us,
silent and dangerous,
like a plague.


First Edit:
Lost Dream

where has our hope gone?

did it try to migrate
for winter
on a broken wing?

or did it burrow
into rotten meat
so it could fly again?

perhaps it’ll come back to us
silent and unnoticed
as bacteria


Original Version:
Lost Dream

what has happened to our hope?

did it try to migrate south
for winter
on a broken wing?

or did it burrow
deep into rotten meat
only to hatch anew?

perhaps it’s not even lost
staying silent
and unnoticed as a shadow

[burrealist]

Hi. I like the reference to the maggots (or what I assume to be). The contrast between two creatures that fly (from birds to bugs) is so wide-range, I love it. The power is in the body of the poem- so the introduction could be just as, or more powerful. 

Good work!

Lost Dream

what has happened to our hope?

did it try to migrate south
for winter
on a broken wing?

or did it burrow
deep into rotten meat
only to hatch anew?

perhaps it’s not even lost
staying silent
and unnoticed as a shadow

[Elizazile]

Hi! I like the personification of hope as well as the imagery of both the migration and maggots burrowing into meat only to return later. One thing that confused me a bit was the "perhaps" starting the last stanza suggested an alternative to the suggestions of the first two, but the third option does not seem markedly different from the second two. Migrating south just for winter and burrowing only to re-hatch both seem to me like they could also be versions of 'staying silent' and going 'unnoticed.'  Also, while I do immediately like the choice of personifying hope, it makes me wonder about hope's motivations within the poem, particularly for burrowing into rotten meat!

Lost Dream

what has happened to our hope?

did it try to migrate south
for winter
on a broken wing?

or did it burrow
deep into rotten meat
only to hatch anew?

perhaps it’s not even lost
staying silent
and unnoticed as a shadow

[RiverNotch]

Lost Dream

what has happened to our hope? "has" unnecessary.

did it try to migrate south south or migrate make each other redundant, lumped into one line. suggest: "did it try to migrate / south for the winter"
for winter
on a broken wing?

or did it burrow
deep into rotten meat
only to hatch anew? "only to hatch anew" feels uncomfortable not because of the maggoty image, which i like, but for its sense of renewal (however bleurgh) feeling a little ill-placed. give a thought to placing it at the end, and rewording such that it feels less weak (anew) or technical (hatch), more blunt and visceral...

perhaps it’s not even lost 
staying silent
and unnoticed as a shadow ...in particular because the softness of the thought here would, due to the resulting contrast, really make the piece pop. although the softness of this stanza is a little overmuch; i feel like "staying silent / and unnoticed as shadow" could be shortened to one line.

for the most part, fine, although the thought, the imagery behind it, even the way it's all expressed feels familiar. ah well, lovely work.

[Richard]

Hey all,
I really want to say thanks for all the feedback. It definitely gave me some major food for thought about this poem. I really felt like I was getting too comfortable in my poetry, and some of your comments made me look at this poem much differently than I have so far. Once again, all the feedback is greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Richard

[ellajam]

Moved from basic to mild/moderate with the new edit at Richard's request.

[Richard]

Hey all,
I've made some changes to this one. Feel free to let me know if it's an improvement.

Cheers,
Richard

[ellajam]

Hi, Richard. I continue to read your opening line and hear the useless preacher at a suicide in the film "The Big Chill":

"Where
did Alex's
hope
go?"

Even though it's a valid and important question, my response is an eyeroll and a How the fuck should I know? Hope is a big fuzzy word and the poem doesn't explain what the N's hopes were, so yes, the reader can imagine but with so many possibilities for me it just lies flat. If you insist on it I prefer the original opening line, but I think you could dig a little deeper and give me a hint of a reason to care.

I also prefer the final strophe of the original although I think it would improve with the loss of "perhaps". I also prefer S3 of the original, it makes more sense and is a stronger image.

So, if it was my poem, I'd start at the original again, reread the crit and see if I could use any of it more gently.

Second Edit:

Lost Dream

Where has our hope gone?

Did it try to migrate
for winter
on a broken wing?

Or did it burrow
into rotten meat
so it could fly again?

Perhaps it’ll come back to us,
silent and dangerous,
like a plague.


First Edit:
Lost Dream

where has our hope gone?

did it try to migrate
for winter
on a broken wing?

or did it burrow
into rotten meat
so it could fly again?

perhaps it’ll come back to us
silent and unnoticed
as bacteria


Original Version:
Lost Dream

what has happened to our hope?

did it try to migrate south
for winter
on a broken wing?

or did it burrow
deep into rotten meat
only to hatch anew?

perhaps it’s not even lost
staying silent
and unnoticed as a shadow

[Achebe]

Enjoyed it very much. The improvement over the original is phenomenal. Thanks for posting.

Second Edit:

Lost Dream

Where has our hope gone?  ...'did go' sounds better than 'has gone', even though you have 'did' again in L2. 'Has gone' sounds like it's been missing for the last five minutes, while 'did go' sounds like you've had plenty of time to look for it unsuccessfully.

Did it try to migrate .... I'd drop the 'try to', which makes the line rather clunky. Alternatively, 'Did it try / to migrate / for winter on a broken wing'; sounds better...at least to my ear. I would in fact suggest you brink back the 'south' and phrase it as 'did it migrate / south for winter / on a broken wing'?
for winter 
on a broken wing? .. I'm divided on this. 'Broken wing' is cliched, and I'm not sure what to make of the suggestion that your hope  was desperate to get away from you - the import seems rather hard to follow. Otherwise, the flight theme forms a link with S2, which is good.

Or did it burrow  .. I'd drop the 'did it'
into rotten meat
so it could fly again? ... Flight again, but moving from bird to fly....leads well into S3

Perhaps it’ll come back to us,
silent and dangerous,
like a plague. .. this strophe is unexpected and sublime. The idea of plague forms a link with the image of the fly in S2, which maintains unity. The ending resonates at various levels.


First Edit:
Lost Dream

where has our hope gone?

did it try to migrate
for winter
on a broken wing?

or did it burrow
into rotten meat
so it could fly again?

perhaps it’ll come back to us
silent and unnoticed
as bacteria


Original Version:
Lost Dream

what has happened to our hope?

did it try to migrate south
for winter
on a broken wing?

or did it burrow
deep into rotten meat
only to hatch anew?

perhaps it’s not even lost
staying silent
and unnoticed as a shadow

[nibbed]

Hi, Richard. I always enjoy your poetry and your critiques.
Your pen's voice seems familiar (though I'm sure you are a stranger),
it makes for warmth and security when I read your poetry.


Lost Dream

Where has our hope gone?                              I like how this starts out, makes me wonder what the hope is and who has the power to bring it back.

Did it try to migrate
for winter
on a broken wing?                                           Made me think about the swan.

Or did it burrow
into rotten meat                                               I'm not sure how hope can do this, or the motive of a speaker to ask.
so it could fly again?

Perhaps it’ll come back to us,                        
silent and dangerous,
like a plague.                                                   I giggled at this.



I was puzzled by the title and how it fits with the poem.Who controls this thing we call Hope? Do we? The last line reminded me of a short conversation I had with a kind librarian, that is why I giggled. I like your poetry.

janine

[Lizzie]

Second Edit:

Lost Dream

Where has our hope gone? Hope is actually a very non-specific word, like beauty/beautiful -- it's not precise and, therefore, comes close to conveying nothing at all. But, I like the hope/plague idea...maybe pair this sentence with another line where you clarify a little more what the hope was or bring that vague idea into come kind of focus.

Another idea would be to make "Where has our hope gone?" into the title, and then you can deal with scenarios and specifics in the body of the poem, letting the big concept stay hovering above it all. I don't feel like "Lost Dream" says anything the first line doesn't.

Did it try to migrate
for winter I don't think you need to mention the seasonal change, it's implied in migration
on a broken wing? Bird with a broken wing is extremely cliche. Comparing hope to a bird has been done quite a bit. This stanza is the weakest part of the poem for me. 

Or did it burrow
into rotten meat
so it could fly again? -- to be re-born, gestate, etc. I see where you're going with the bird image above and the fly image here...my preference would be to focus on the maggot element here to lead into the plague idea coming, but that's just my preference.

This stanza and the previous one feel unnaturally truncated. More isn't always better, but I think you could flesh your ideas out in some more interesting language.

Perhaps it’ll come back to us, "come back" could be swapped out for a stronger verb with more action/motion
silent and dangerous,
like a plague. Nice ending that ties in with the stanza above, flies bringing sickness

Hi, Richard. This ending is the best of the three. Hope can be tough to eradicate, like a plague.

I like that you're using varied images to explore your idea.

Hope some of this helps,

Lizzie

[Richard]

Hey all,
Thanks for the feedback. It all give me some serious food for thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I made some extensive changes to this poem. Feel free to let me know what you think.

Cheers,
Richard

[vagabond]

Hey all,
I made some extensive changes to this poem. Feel free to let me know what you think.

Cheers,
Richard

the third version is too concrete in my view. I liked the second version best, as I think it is fine to talk about hope in general, doesn´t need explanations cause every reader has his own associations with hopeless situations.
 
I don´t understand when exactly hope left in your poem (2nd version). in the second stanza it was there (if only in a “rotten” way, like some delusion). in the third it seems to be gone and maybe waited for (to come back) and feared (like a plague) at the same time..

where I stumble a little  is that in the 1st stanza flying is associated with hope leaving and in the 2nd stanza flying seems to symbolize some resurrection of hope´s function.

anyway, it´s an interesting theme.

[joecarey123]

Hiya vagabond,

I think this is a really powerful piece, which gets more so as it progresses. The imagery of "burrowing" into the "rotten meat" of compromise is really striking, as is the idea of the ghosts of lost dreams "plaguing" a couple. 

My criticism would be that, compared with the really vivid images from "feathers fall out" onwards, the beginning of the poem is a bit... bland? There isn't much colour there - it might be worth having either a shorter, punchier opening, or one which appeals more to the senses. 

Thanks for sharing. 

Joe

[Richard]

Hey vagabond and joecarey123,
Thanks for the feedback and thoughts. I decided to be more thorough with the hope in the latest version of the poem because the more I thought about this poem, the more I started to lose focus of what the hope in it was all about. This poem was starting to feel like it was nothing more than a collection of metaphors, so that is why I went in a different direction in the first stanza. I will definitely give your comments some thought as I consider fourth revision.

Thanks again,
Richard