Engaged

[Elizazile]

I just want to be able to say
I let this world seize me
And that I reached out and
Seized it too.
Not the day,
Not the moment,
I just want to be able to say
That whatever the timeline,
No matter the outcomes:
Me and this world
Had our sweaty hands all over each other.

[ellajam]

Hi, Elizazile, welcome to the pigpen.
This is a strong, tight piece. I enjoy the title, not quite sure what I'll get but it was a relief to identify the subject of the poem and ponder Engaged in relationship to it.

I like the word seize, its hard, strong sound contrasts nicely with the softness of the rest of the poem and I like it with sweaty. I think the repeats work, L1 and the "not the". The POV is appealing, not staying aloof or chiseling away, just engaged, which is plenty.

Maybe someone else will be more helpful, I like it as is. Thanks for the read, I hope you enjoy the site.

I just want to be able to say
I let this world seize me
And that I reached out and
Seized it too.
Not the day,
Not the moment,
I just want to be able to say
That whatever the timeline,
No matter the outcomes:
Me and this world
Had our sweaty hands all over each other.

[Todd]

Hi Elizazile, welcome to the site! A few comments below on your poem.

This is a good, short piece. You mostly have one dynamite payoff line at the end and everything else brings you there. Given that, I would consider tightening it even more. I think the trick is to get your reader to the end as soon as possible as this is your sole imagery and where the poem pops.

I just want to be able to say
I let this world seize me
And that I reached out and--Your line breaks aren't particularly strong but you mostly end your lines well enough--here is an exception. I think ending on and here is weak.
Seized it too.
Not the day,
Not the moment,
I just want to be able to say--I think this poem can't tolerate the excess of this repetition. I would consider cutting it and leading the next line with something like "but whatever the timeline"
That whatever the timeline,
No matter the outcomes:
Me and this world
Had our sweaty hands all over each other.--Brilliant ending line

I hope the comments help some. I enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hello Elizazile,
This is a nice short poem with a strong message. I particularly liked the use of the word “seize” as it sums up the main idea of this piece. There is a lot of passion in your poem, and that's very appropriate given its content.

If I have one suggestion, I would suggest extending the metaphor of the speaker and the world as two entangled lovers. I think that's a wonderful image and there is a lot of room to be creative.

Lastly, the final two lines of the poem are just wonderful. However, are the speaker and the world making love, or are they just doing something purely physical? This point isn't even a critique, but more of just a curiosity on my part. Overall, this is a great poem and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Keep writing,
Richard

[LunaDeLore]

I just want to be able to say
I let this world seize me
And that I reached out and ----- "that" is restrictive and it turns the reader off
Seized it too.
Not the day,
Not the moment,
I just want to be able to say
That whatever the timeline,------ the restrictive steps in again, taking away from the read.
No matter the outcomes:
Me and this world
Had our sweaty hands all over each other.

Hi Elizazile,

I read your poem and especially like the ending. I must say your work took me by surprise as I expected some daunting little ditty about
husband and wife and proposal and ring. Smile. This little piece is almost enjoyable to read. I say this because I'm not very fond of your use of "that" in the poem. It takes something away from the work and almost feels juvenile when reading. But overall, I think it's a good little poem and with some revision could be even better.

Thanks for posting and keep writing.

Luna

[nibbed]

Hi Elizazile,


The title engaged me. It drew me in. The poem is very striking though I may be interpreting it wrong. It seems
the narrator is expressing a continued confidence and success in whatever he or she might do, will do, has done,
or is about to do! No matter what, they will give it their best. It's as though the narrator is a cheerleader to himself
or herself making a declaration for all to hear! We should all encourage ourselves to strive for the best! This poem's
expression is quite catchy, too. Happy poem! Thank you!




 
I just want to be able to say                          comma here
I let this world seize me
And that I reached out and
Seized it too.                                                 comma after it
Not the day,
Not the moment,
I just want to be able to say
That whatever the timeline,
No matter the outcomes:
Me and this world
Had our sweaty hands all over each other.     I want to move "all over each other" to the last line position
                                                                      A very good play on words, too, I might add.


Very perky! You seem to have been inspired!
Best wishes!

[Paul Welsh]

I just want to be able to say
I let this world seize me
And that I reached out and
Seized it too.
Not the day,
Not the moment,
I just want to be able to say
That whatever the timeline,
No matter the outcomes:
Me and this world
Had our sweaty hands all over each other.

Hello Elizazile.
I'd change personal narrative to third person, delete "I".  Not sure what lines 5 & 6 are doing?  See one poem in two parts, like that quirk. Ending is a strong great white biter.

[Nyph]

Hi Elizazile,

I really enjoyed your poem. I have a similar opinion as Todd has, you have such a good ending line that I would try to get the reader there as fast as possible. For that I would bring in a little more rythm for example:

I just want to be able to say
I let this world seize me
And I reached out to seize it myself

I think if you shorten it up like this or in some other way it will emphasize your last line even more making it even better.

I hope this helps. Best wishes!

[Napalm]

Some great lines and tons of potential. Love the concept of this. I just wasn't ready for the last line "sweaty hands" when I came to it.( loved that)But for me, the poem started out serious with a light undertone of a new self acknowledged enlightenment and life renewed. This was good on its own to keep me interested though as well. I think all this needs is more content to pace the shift of feeling leading up to that comedic relief. I enjoyed a good laugh at the last line though.

[keeper]

I loved this!
For me it was actually the repetition of 'I just want to be able to say' that made it for me.
It gripped me to read on, and somehow expressed the urgency of what is being said.
Almost like you were interrupting a conversation or making your point across a noisy room.
The punchline is a bit of relief and a great payoff.
Well done!

[wordgobbler]

Hi! 
When I read this I immediately thought about teenage love, or at least how a teenager feels - as if the world is against them and they have to push back harder on those who pushed them first. This poem is concise and to the point, which in my opinion is an accomplishment because it is hard to say what you want to in such a little space but you conveyed a heavy feeling in only a few lines which is impressive. Good work!

[AttnAttack]

I just want to be able to say  --Remove "just", its passive and takes away from the poems vigor
I let this world seize me
And that I reached out and
Seized it too.
Not the day,                          --Replace "the" with "a" if you'd like.
Not the moment,
I just want to be able to say  -- See first note
That whatever the timeline,
No matter the outcomes:
Me and this world
Had our sweaty hands all over each other.  --Try replacing "all over each other" with "all through each other" .  I think it sounds a bit bland for an ending, even though the idea is really great.  Use your own creativity here.

[inmostcave]

I just want to be able to say
I let this world seize me
And that I reached out and                      for me it's a little too much to use 'and' both in the beginning and ending 
Seized it too.
Not the day,
Not the moment,
I just want to be able to say
That whatever the timeline,
No matter the outcomes:
Me and this world
Had our sweaty hands all over each other.

Halo Elizazile,

I really like this short piece. The message is strong with how you turn around the user of 'seize'. it gives me new perspective (and hope too) and i wasn't really expecting that ending line. so good.   

Keep up with the work. I'm looking forward to it

[QueenFaye]

I enjoyed the piece. The title is engaging because it can lend your mind to anything. It was a short journey and the end was great. I would temper the use of the I. I also dont think you need the and in L3.