We were fine
many words unspoken
It was a habit
of exchanging caresses
with glances
Murals stiffed eyeing
seeming to know history
of ours
If only its heart still beat,
it would smash
the voiceless banters.
It aged with ourselves
but wisdom was its trait
one we didn't have
We threw word after the other
for times we didn't care to count
Disputing misunderstandings, rebuking
the now invisible love.
It befriended silence
not sparing a word
knowing it wouldn't mend
So it stayed mute
as we stare
The now bruised walls
along with
the now empty three words
that no longer built.
Posts: 15
Threads: 6
Joined: Apr 2017
Hi! First of all, thank you for providing feedback on my poem I appreciate it!
Okay so, I really like how vague the poem is. It provides the reader with space to interpret however they might want to. For me, the obvious theme was love going badly. I like how you can sort of see the relationship get worse and worse until it is vacant. I also like how you avoided saying "I love you" and rather, again, provided the reader with space to make the connections on their own. That being said, maybe use better spacing? Towards the end, it gets a bit hard to tell where thoughts end and new ones begin but besides that good job!
Posts: 63
Threads: 9
Joined: Apr 2016
(05-02-2017, 11:35 AM)inmostcave Wrote: We were fine
many words unspoken
It was a habit ------------------ I'm not comfortable with your choice of capitalization. I think that you could either use line breaks to illustrate a new sentence or strophe, or use punctuation (maybe even both).
of exchanging caresses
with glances
Murals stiffed eyeing
seeming to know history
of ours --------------------------- This line is unneeded; you could go with something like seeming to know our history.
If only its heart still beat,
it would smash
the voiceless banters.
It aged with ourselves
but wisdom was its trait
one we didn't have
We threw word after the other -------- This line seems awkward
for times we didn't care to count
Disputing misunderstandings, rebuking
the now invisible love.
It befriended silence ------ This is my favorite strophe
not sparing a word
knowing it wouldn't mend
So it stayed mute
as we stare
The now bruised walls
along with
the now empty three words
that no longer built. --------------- I'm not sure about your word choices here...wouldn't the three words build?
inmostcave,
I like your poem, and I especially like the ending. When reading I did find a few areas of concern and hope my suggestions help
in revision.
Keep Writing.
Luna
In your own, each bone comes alive
the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
(Chris Martin)
