Song (3rd revision)

[burrealist]

Song

if time dies
or skies fall


or waves stand idle

sonic without sound,

its empty song will say goodbye for you,


lie down
encased in sound
euphony of you


when we sleep
we rise and fall


echoes through an empty hall


we hold time still
in our arms


waves continue, we move


I'll savor memory,
its fadeless shine in blue


spare its harmony


I've felt what song can do

[Todd]

Hello burrealist,

Let me give you some feedback on what you've written.

Song

when time dies

and skies fall

and waves stare to an empty wall

I was going with your end of all days theme until L3. This just doesn't make sense. It feels like it's there to accommodate the fall/wall rhyme. First off, to should be replaced by at. Beyond that though, I just can't see how the personification of waves staring at an empty wall makes sense or advances the poem. If the wave was performing a personified action that made sense with its form than I could see it (example: the waves curl on the shore like a question, etc).

when the sun cries

Similar issue here. You could replace the sun with any other object (moon, ocean, etc) and it would still be able to perform the action. There is nothing being done that plays off the sun's light or heat or any other characteristic that demands that it be chosen. It should be necessary or earned in the poem.

to an empty song

Your repetition of empty isn't bad. This is a subtle way to emphasize a theme and I like subtlety.

I'll say goodbye

to you

This break seems unnecessary. Breaking the line on goodbye with the payoff of "to you" on the next line doesn't really do anything for you. It would be better as one long line in my opinion.

lay down

embrace our sound

This "our sound" could have been much enhanced if you connected it to the natural images earlier.

I'll hold its song in you

when we sleep

come nightfall

This isn't as egregious as fall/wall but nightfall/hall still sounds added for the rhyme without advancing the content in a way that doesn't seem forced.

we walk through an empty hall

and hold time still

Not to be overly picky but isn't time already dead?

in our arms

waves continue

to move

to move could be cut. It adds nothing that continue doesn't already get you. A wave by itself implies a sense of motion. Again content question aren't the waves behind a wall? What freed them?

you stay

in memory

You stay in memory again feels bloated and unnecessary. Do you really need it? Cut in memory perhaps and it will read better.

a fadeless shine of blue

I like fadeless shine of blue. It might be more of a payoff to the reader if you seeded the blue idea earlier in the imagery so that you could infuse this person with the elements of nature and not simply the color.

we've shared its harmony

I've felt what song can do

Just some thoughts to consider. I hope they help some.

Best,

Todd

[burrealist]

Thanks! Just as I feared, the content was under-written and too ambiguous. Simplicity was not my hammer.

[CRNDLSM]

This reminds me of through the ages people writing hymns or psalms and just calling them that, psalm 42, hymn 107, this is like your song 1.  The problem is, is this a song, or a poem about a song, I'll tell you it's a hobby of mine to make poems into songs regardless of the why's and whatfors 

Song

if time dies
or skies fall I like your set up here cause the sky falling is not necessarily the end of time thanks chicken little


or waves stand idle I love this image

sonic without sound, but I don't get this one

its empty song will say goodbye for you,
Why's it empty? Full of potential energy, is this times song? 'Its' , also, 'you' Must have left without saying goodbye?

lie down
encased in sound without sonics?
euphony of you


when we sleep
we rise and fall I can only picture breathing here, sleeping makes me think static, no rising or falling


echoes through an empty hall nice, is this hall the song because they're both empty? And the echoing must be the silence?


we hold time still
in our arms like a baby, why arms?


waves continue, we move while holding time still? You say a lot of good things but connectivity doesn't hit me


I'll savor memory,
its fadeless shine in blue


spare its harmony I'll spare its harmony? Or 'you! Spare its harmony' or 'sparing harmony'


I've felt what song can do writing about music is like dancing about architecture, not a problem per se, but the music made you feel, and you want to share that feeling, so this last line I think you should change to wrap up all the previous metaphors without saying song or felt, if possible

Hope this helps

[nibbed]

Hi burrealist. I like this poem. It has a lot of helpful truth, thank you.
Your 3rd revision is greatly improved.


Song


if time dies
or skies fall


or waves stand idle
sonic without sound,


its empty song will say goodbye for you,        ----took me a bit, but I get it


lie down
encased in sound
euphony of you


when we sleep
we rise and fall


echoes through an empty hall                           ----this line here had me captivated and holds mystery...but sounds cool regardless


we hold time still
in our arms                                                        ----how do we hold it still in our arms?


waves continue, we move


I'll savor memory,                                        
its fadeless shine in blue


spare its harmony


I've felt what song can do



I don't usually, but I like the balance of your centered format,
it sort of makes the poem seem to "float". It works better
than my copy & paste above. Best wishes to you.

[burrealist]

This reminds me of through the ages people writing hymns or psalms and just calling them that, psalm 42, hymn 107, this is like your song 1.  The problem is, is this a song, or a poem about a song, I'll tell you it's a hobby of mine to make poems into songs regardless of the why's and whatfors 

Song

if time dies
or skies fall I like your set up here cause the sky falling is not necessarily the end of time thanks chicken little


or waves stand idle I love this image

sonic without sound, but I don't get this one

its empty song will say goodbye for you,
Why's it empty? Full of potential energy, is this times song? 'Its' , also, 'you' Must have left without saying goodbye?

lie down
encased in sound without sonics?
euphony of you


when we sleep
we rise and fall I can only picture breathing here, sleeping makes me think static, no rising or falling


echoes through an empty hall nice, is this hall the song because they're both empty? And the echoing must be the silence?


we hold time still
in our arms like a baby, why arms?


waves continue, we move while holding time still? You say a lot of good things but connectivity doesn't hit me


I'll savor memory,
its fadeless shine in blue


spare its harmony I'll spare its harmony? Or 'you! Spare its harmony' or 'sparing harmony'


I've felt what song can do writing about music is like dancing about architecture, not a problem per se, but the music made you feel, and you want to share that feeling, so this last line I think you should change to wrap up all the previous metaphors without saying song or felt, if possible

Hope this helps

Yes, "sonic without sound" was a temporary fix from what I had originally (I didn't save that draft, unfortunately). Still, the connection I'm trying to make is weak. Songs and feelings go so hand-in-hand that I may have expected the ambiguity to be fine. 

To answer your question, I wrote them as lyrics. Then I decided to challenge it and write these lyrics as if it were poetry. I am restricted to the general melody I have in mind (elongated, nearly impossible-to-sustain notes over several measures). Since I need to learn how to sing, this idea is a fantasy. Therefore, I'm open to changing the format.

Your observations are very helpful. You've critiqued several of mine so far, and I appreciate that.

The biggest thing here, everyone seems to be saying, is that the connections I'm making can be enhanced. Particularly when I speak of sonics without sound, or echoes as waves continuing through. I contradict myself at some points, or come up with random, unfitted lines. I'll bring back a new version of this soon!

---

Hi burrealist. I like this poem. It has a lot of helpful truth, thank you.
Your 3rd revision is greatly improved.


Song


if time dies
or skies fall


or waves stand idle
sonic without sound,


its empty song will say goodbye for you,        ----took me a bit, but I get it


lie down
encased in sound
euphony of you


when we sleep
we rise and fall


echoes through an empty hall                           ----this line here had me captivated and holds mystery...but sounds cool regardless


we hold time still
in our arms                                                        ----how do we hold it still in our arms?


waves continue, we move


I'll savor memory,                                        
its fadeless shine in blue


spare its harmony


I've felt what song can do



I don't usually, but I like the balance of your centered format,
it sort of makes the poem seem to "float". It works better
than my copy & paste above. Best wishes to you.

Thanks! The form is actually a wave flowing down the page. I just haven't formed the computer-generated version that way. 

My object is to be less ambiguous. The couple of notes you made above will seriously help from being rephrased, or added to. 

When I speak of holding it in our arms, I think of cradling someone dead (forever). <--I probably just thought of a better way to execute that part. The connections are still unclear, so clarity is my new goal. 

The part you took a bit to understand might be fixed if I don't reference this "you" person so much as I do "time". I'm thinking time will be the thing to die, and the "you" character should be subtly suggested.