Opening A Small Window edit#1.1

[ellajam]

Opening A Small Window Edit#1.1 (CRNDLSM, achebe, Todd, M2)

I wake in darkness while the world's in bed,
succumb to silence luring me with space
to sort ideas and shift them into place.
I catch the comets streaking through my head
and forfeit sleep for solitude instead,
recharging for my daily steeplechase
by letting rhymes and meter run their race
before this skittish quietude has fled.

Too soon the dawn pokes holes in night's reprieve
awakening usurpers of my time — the thieves.

The verses flee my mind at breakneck speed,
shot through the air from their ejection seats.
My sweethearts pop up from their tangled sheets,
there's not a thing their hugs don't supersede.

Opening A Small Window

I wake in darkness while the world's in bed,
succumb to silence luring me with space
to sort ideas and shift them into place.
I catch the comets streaking through my head
and forfeit sleep for solitude instead,
recharging for my daily steeplechase
by letting rhymes and meter run their race
before this cherished quietude has fled.

Too soon the dawn pokes holes in night's reprieve
and family usurps my time like thieves.

Our interlocking threads have formed a whole:
each one held firmly in a tight-wrought weave
producing patterns each could not conceive.
Their company atones for what they stole.



(For fun, but I'm trying to tune up my meter ear. I always have bumps, any help identifying them is greatly appreciated.)

[CRNDLSM]

Taking What I Get

I wake in darkness while the world's in bed,
succumb to silence luring me with space
to sort ideas and shift them into place.
I catch the comets streaking through my head
and forfeit sleep for solitude instead, solitude instead/quietude has fled very nice
recharging for my daily steeplechase interesting choice in steeplechase, cant complain 
by letting rhymes and meter run their race
before this cherished quietude has fled.

Too soon the dawn pokes holes in night's reprieve
and family usurps my time like thieves. Family tripped me up because I automatically said famly,  but family usurps is a nice combo.  

Our interlocking threads have formed a whole:
each one held firmly in a tight-wrought weave 'tight wrought weave' and 'time like thieves' tripped me up and threw me off pace 
producing patterns each could not conceive.
Their company atones for what they stole.these four lines confuse me after the clarity of the first 10 lines, and I think it's the last lines fault.  Are you the company atoning for relishing the thinking space stolen from family?

Quite an enjoyable road to ride, the bumps may even offer character, thanks for sharing!



(For fun, but I'm trying to tune up my meter ear. I always have bumps, any help identifying them is greatly appreciated.)

[ellajam]

Thanks so much, crndl. I'll see how I can strengthen the meter where you tripped. I keep rewiting that last line, I'll try again.

[Achebe]

Hi Ella 

I found the rhythm to be quite flat and predictable from the regularity of the meter. I think you've got a dramatic opener, but the meter lets it down.
That's what I think now,may change my mind later.
I've tried to rearrange S1to what at least i my head sounds a bit better.
I liked the poem,except for "cherished", which is hackneyed 

But a good read 

Taking What I Get

I wake in darkness.
The world's in bed, succumbed to silence
luring me with space
to sort and shift ideas into place
to catch the comets streaking through my head
and forfeit sleep for solitude instead, 
recharging for my daily steeplechase
by letting rhymes and meter run their race
before this quietude has fled.

(For fun, but I'm trying to tune up my meter ear. I always have bumps, any help identifying them is greatly appreciated.)

[ellajam]

Thanks for the read, achebe, interesting. That's a pretty big failing, the meter should carry the poem, not kill it. I like how you made a better poem of it, I'll see if that's a direction I could go with this. I'll also see what I can do to replace cherish, you're always good at picking out the clinkers. Thanks for taking your time with this.

[Todd]

The only meter bump I read was on family and that's not because I tend to speak it faster and not really pause on that i in the middle of the word. I didn't have a real issue with the meter. My issue with the poem is mostly with the content in the last four lines. We step into a small window into the speaker's resting thoughts. L3 hints that this poem might get too introspective but in L4 we get streaking comets. We move to a steeplechase. I get a bedknobs and broomsticks feel. There's a wildness building. I enjoy the sleep/solitude distinction. Then family breaks in on the moment. I guess at this point I want to see a continuation or a way to wrap in the comets and steeplechases but what I get is some kind of weaving metaphor for family. I think I'd just like to see something that felt more connected. Something that gave me a satisfying "Oh yes, this is the end that had to be there moment."

Could just be me, but does that make sense?

Best,

Todd

Opening A Small Window

I wake in darkness while the world's in bed,
succumb to silence luring me with space
to sort ideas and shift them into place.
I catch the comets streaking through my head
and forfeit sleep for solitude instead,
recharging for my daily steeplechase
by letting rhymes and meter run their race
before this cherished quietude has fled.

Too soon the dawn pokes holes in night's reprieve
and family usurps my time like thieves.

Our interlocking threads have formed a whole:
each one held firmly in a tight-wrought weave
producing patterns each could not conceive.
Their company atones for what they stole.



(For fun, but I'm trying to tune up my meter ear. I always have bumps, any help identifying them is greatly appreciated.)

[ellajam]

That makes absolute sense, Todd. I did want to have sort of a double volta that the form affords but I think you are right about it not tying in well with the rest of the poem. I think the weaving ideas come easily for me and I was just being lazy.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment, very useful, that last line sucked anyway.

[M_2quared]

Hello! I felt that 'steeplechase' kind of made the poem a little bumpy in that section, in my opinion. Though, I do tend to read it slower since it has three syllables. Otherwise, it was well written! Good work!

[ellajam]

Hello! I felt that 'steeplechase' kind of made the poem a little bumpy in that section, in my opinion. Though, I do tend to read it slower since it has three syllables. Otherwise, it was well written! Good work!

Hi, welcome to the Pigpen. Thanks so much for identifying steeplechase as a bump in the read for you, that will help me in my edit.

Putting my mod hat on, this post, with one point only, is more suited to the Basic workshop. There are different posting guidelines for each workshop, just click on each forum title to read them. Hope you enjoy the site.

[ellajam]

So, I've got an edit, hopefully I've addressed everything except achebe's request for a more subtle meter, I have to think a bit longer on that, get the other kinks out first. I can't help but include phrases that crack me up when I think of them even when they're too silly, I hope some of you will take a look and let me know how it reads now. Thanks

[Todd]

Opening A Small Window Edit#1 (CRNDLSM, achebe, Todd, M2)

I wake in darkness while the world's in bed,
succumb to silence luring me with space
to sort ideas and shift them into place.
I catch the comets streaking through my head
and forfeit sleep for solitude instead,
recharging for my daily steeplechase
by letting rhymes and meter run their race
before this skittish quietude has fled.--skittish is an upgrade in that its more evocative than cherished and fits well with the horses evoked by steeplechase. 

Too soon the dawn pokes holes in night's reprieve
awakening usurpers of my time, the thieves.--Maybe an em dash instead of a comma after time. I wouldn't go full exclamation point after thieves but the dash should push the reader more in the right direction.

The verses flee my mind at breakneck speed,--Breakneck speed is a cliche and it undermines the fine next line.
shot through the air from their ejection seats.--This is a funny image. I get fighter pilots or spy thrillers with their gadgets. This is interesting enough that you could potentially work backward to plant the idea earlier with this as your payoff. It isn't necessary but this is a more fun way to deal with the velocity of thought that was found in other parts of the poem.
My sweethearts pop up from their tangled sheets,--At first, I didn't like pop up. But upon reflection, it's a neat way to simulate a real world occurrence overlaying the ejection seats above.
there's not a thing their hugs don't supersede.--supersede is a great word here. Also hugs is a good way to give a sense of age and relationship--good economy.

It's a forward step. I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[ellajam]

[quote='ellajam' pid='225827' dateline='1489707227']
Opening A Small Window Edit#1 (CRNDLSM, achebe, Todd, M2)

I wake in darkness while the world's in bed,
succumb to silence luring me with space
to sort ideas and shift them into place.
I catch the comets streaking through my head
and forfeit sleep for solitude instead,
recharging for my daily steeplechase
by letting rhymes and meter run their race
before this skittish quietude has fled.--skittish is an upgrade in that its more evocative than cherished and fits well with the horses evoked by steeplechase. 

Too soon the dawn pokes holes in night's reprieve
awakening usurpers of my time, the thieves.--Maybe an em dash instead of a comma after time. I wouldn't go full exclamation point after thieves but the dash should push the reader more in the right direction.

I'm going to give that a try, my head actually said it with an exclamation point but I couldn't get myself to type it. !!

The verses flee my mind at breakneck speed,--Breakneck speed is a cliche and it undermines the fine next line.
shot through the air from their ejection seats.--This is a funny image. I get fighter pilots or spy thrillers with their gadgets. This is interesting enough that you could potentially work backward to plant the idea earlier with this as your payoff. It isn't necessary but this is a more fun way to deal with the velocity of thought that was found in other parts of the poem.

Ha, I'm glad someone other than myself enjoys it, it cracked me up. I though breakneck sounded horsy, but maybe that's "neck and neck", I'm sure I can think of something else.

My sweethearts pop up from their tangled sheets,--At first, I didn't like pop up. But upon reflection, it's a neat way to simulate a real world occurrence overlaying the ejection seats above.
there's not a thing their hugs don't supersede.--supersede is a great word here. Also hugs is a good way to give a sense of age and relationship--good economy.

I know, the sonics of pop up is not great, but the interaction with ejection is why I kept it, still thinking on that on, maybe something else is better.


Thanks for coming back, much appreciated.

[Lizzie]

Hi ellajam. The revision feels much smoothed out from the original, and easier to follow as a result. It feels more natural this time, and not as forced. So, good job there.

Opening A Small Window Edit#1.1 (CRNDLSM, achebe, Todd, M2)

I wake in darkness while the world's in bed,
succumb to silence luring me with space
to sort ideas and shift them into place.
I catch the comets streaking through my head -- good image
and forfeit sleep for solitude instead,
recharging for my daily steeplechase -- love steeplechase
by letting rhymes and meter run their race
before this skittish quietude has fled. -- you have silence, solitude, and quietude in this stanza, and I feel like that becomes repetitive by the end. I understand from the first line that it's quiet.

Too soon the dawn pokes holes in night's reprieve -- I don't care for 'pokes holes'. Feels like a cliche.
awakening usurpers of my time — the thieves. -- yes they are. The pyrrhic substitutions here feel natural. 

The verses flee my mind at breakneck speed, -- breakneck speed also borders on cliche for me
shot through the air from their ejection seats.
My sweethearts pop up from their tangled sheets, -- I enjoy this image of the family rising from bed like they're cut outs in a pop up book, that's gold. It just doesn't read smoothly to me. The stress is forced on to 'from' which is an unnatural word to stress here.
there's not a thing their hugs don't supersede. -- 'a thing' feels weak to me, especially for a concluding line.

Definitely moving in the right direction.

Cheers,

Lizzie

[ellajam]

Lizzie, can't thank you enough for your helpful critique.

Hi ellajam. The revision feels much smoothed out from the original, and easier to follow as a result. It feels more natural this time, and not as forced. So, good job there.

[quote='ellajam' pid='225827' dateline='1489707227']
Opening A Small Window Edit#1.1 (CRNDLSM, achebe, Todd, M2)

I wake in darkness while the world's in bed,
succumb to silence luring me with space
to sort ideas and shift them into place.
I catch the comets streaking through my head -- good image
and forfeit sleep for solitude instead,
recharging for my daily steeplechase -- love steeplechase
by letting rhymes and meter run their race
before this skittish quietude has fled. -- you have silence, solitude, and quietude in this stanza, and I feel like that becomes repetitive by the end. I understand from the first line that it's quiet.

Point taken, I'll have to see which will be the sacrificial lambs. Much obliged.

Too soon the dawn pokes holes in night's reprieve -- I don't care for 'pokes holes'. Feels like a cliche.
awakening usurpers of my time — the thieves. -- yes they are. The pyrrhic substitutions here feel natural. 

Thanks, I'm slowly trying to make the meter more subtle, I have a long way to go but it would be a big step forward for me so thanks for noticing.

The verses flee my mind at breakneck speed, -- breakneck speed also borders on cliche for me
shot through the air from their ejection seats.
My sweethearts pop up from their tangled sheets, -- I enjoy this image of the family rising from bed like they're cut outs in a pop up book, that's gold. It just doesn't read smoothly to me. The stress is forced on to 'from' which is an unnatural word to stress here.
there's not a thing their hugs don't supersede. -- 'a thing' feels weak to me, especially for a concluding line.

Thanks  for the arrows to the cliches. I'll try to keep pop up but fix the bump, you're right. Yeah, thing, bad, lazy.

Definitely moving in the right direction.

Cheers,

Lizzie

Again, your time and effort is greatly appreciated, very helpful.