city diary: October

[baifan]

city diary: October

October rain falls outside my window.
I dare it.
Drown me. I live on the third story.
I go outside.
I splash in a puddle.

[Lizzie]

Hi baifan! I have a few thoughts for you to consider.

city diary: October -- I like the title, lets us orient by giving us a location and a time of year

October rain falls outside my window. -- I don't think you need to reiterate that it's October since it's in your title.
I dare it. -- what if you did:

Rain falls outside my window.
I dared it to
drown me. I live on the third story.

Then it would give the impression that the speaker dared the rain to fall and to drown them. Makes the speaker seem even more confident in their powers.
Drown me. I live on the third story. -- I like this a lot.
I go outside. -- 'go outside' is pretty bland, and it's repetitive since you already have 'outside' in the first line. I'd think of something more dynamic/evocative like you have 'splash' in the next line.
I splash in a puddle. -- I'm thinking this is to signify that the rain has failed to deliver the commanded deluge? Otherwise it feels like a WTF ending. Maybe modify 'puddle' with something along the lines of mere or measly?

There's an abundance of I's for such a short poem. I don't see the need for so much repetition.

I like that disparity between what was hoped for and what was received -- seems so rich with possibility.

Thanks for sharing!

Lizzie

[baifan]

Thank you for the suggestions, Lizzie! I'll consider your advice when I'm editing

[just mercedes]

city diary: October  not needed here when it starts the first line.

October rain falls outside my window. Do you need this? Hardly likely to fall inside your window, is it? 
I dare it. I don't think you need to say this. You show it by your address to the rain.
Drown me. I live on the third storey. First I think you need a line break between the two sentences, a timing pause. Then I think that, side by side like that, they have more impact. 
I go outside. This is very pedestrian.
I splash in a puddle. I like the juxtaposition of flood and puddle.


The action of your protagonist shows defiance. There seems to be a message here about taking control, turning a flood into a puddle. I guess you're on the other side of the equator, and October rain leads to winter. Here, it's spring, going into summer, so a more positive conotation to Octobr rains. 

I think the relationship in the poem between flood and puddle is clever, but the last two lines don't have the bite of the first two, for me. Lose one of the 'I's, maybe.

I enjoyed the read and engagement, thanks for posting.

[Erthona]

Forgive my taking liberty with your poem. I'm not saying this is the way it should be, just an example of letting imagination run a little more freer. To me this is what the poem wishes to do, but it is constrained. The telling line is the speaker daring the rain to drown him and basically laughing at the rain because the speaker is on the third floor and he knows it can't reach him there. So it shows to me that the speaker who seems to be an adult, is letting his child side out, so why not go all the way? It gives the reader more of something to latch on to and thus involves them emotionally. As is it is a little too terse and leaves the reader little to become involved with.


city diary: October

October Rain falls outside my window
and I dare it to drown me.
I laugh because
I live on the third story.
I fly downstairs and
flash outside superhero style.
I splash in a puddle:
my cape flying behind me.

Best,

dale

[Keith]

I like the idea behind this, looking out from three floors up, imagining the whole place flooded. Then the contrast of the reality almost child like splashing in puddles. Some thoughts below. Best Keith

city diary: October

October rain falls outside my window. Do you need October again? it seems redundant
I dare it. The period seems odd perhaps follow the line through with drown me and then break
Drown me. I live on the third story.
I go outside. Consider bringing in some images, something more for the reader to engage with. I live, I go outside is quite bland.
I splash in a puddle. like the contrast here but again the image could work harder.

You have the bones of an interesting poem here, it could be improved by reducing the number of I's and giving the reader more scope to use our imagination.
Best Keith

[egr]

city diary: October Perhaps October could be replaced with a concrete date, such as 10/5/16 or variation. This also prevents "October" in first line from being redundant, which I like because I do feel it is a more catching opening.

October rain falls outside my window. Agree that "rain falls outside my window" is too familiar (and for that matter a terrible expression for how common it is...), but perhaps even just a tweak to "passes by" or some such phrase would make it fresher and more sensible.

I dare it.
Drown me. I live on the third story. I like these lines and lean towards keeping them as they are.

I go outside. If you strike this and leave a line break, the empty space leading into the next line intuits that you have gone outside.
I splash in a puddle. I quite like the idea here, that since the rain could not come to you on the third floor (sidenote: I love "story" so much more than "floor" or "level"), you have gone to it. Sad, but playful. However, I do feel something must be added here to increase the poem's impact.

I like this as a series. I will search for more of your posts after this critique. If it is a series, and without having read more of it, I'm mixed about the title so far, because "city diary" seems both too vague and too cute. "Diary" suggests you'll be writing more than one a month, as your poem suggests. When I write a diary, I usually go for a good streak for about a week, and then forget it exists for weeks more. Just something to think about.

This calls to mind a friend of mine IRL who writes in a similar style to this poem. A lot of short, fragmented lines; quiet and sparse yet somehow loaded with suggestions of emotion. As lovely as I find her work, I am often left wanting more. It is tough to strike the balance of "just enough". Every piece of a short poem, even what you have not written, is crucial.

Regards, EGR[/b]