Pretty Boy

[Gretel]

Thread closed awaiting Gretel's return /admin

Pretty Boy
 
We sit together on a log
Looking across the reservoir
 
Admiring the autumn colors
Layered under the blue sky
 
Yellow, orange, brown and evergreen
Cast reflections serene
 
A quiet breeze sets the tone
for what would be our last afternoon 
 
You’re more quiet than usual
While I get up to search for bones
 
Fisherman in their boat
Don’t pay us any note
 
A crow calls out overhead
His fortuitous cry piercing the silence
 
What was it you were thinking?
I now know with regret
 
I wish we had sat and held hands
and confessed our hearts’ discontent
 
Perhaps we could have saved ourselves from anguish
Perhaps we could have saved what was left
 
For that quiet afternoon this past October
was our last meeting as lovers

[humility]

I got the emotional feeling of something just stretching on and on. I didn't feel anything really sad, forlorn or regretful though. just a long stretch of nothingness. From all the lines. Also I found reading it a bit difficult, it didn't feel super flowing and smooth. No earworm quality at all. Also how can you be lovers if you aren't even at the holding hands stage?

[Gretel]

you're right, there is nothingness....but somehow you have failed to understand the meaning behind this piece at all. we're well beyond hand holding stage...haha. do you have any constructive criticism at all?

[Todd]

Hi Gretel,

Welcome to the site!

The main problem with this piece for me is its forgettable. There are a lot of throw away modifiers that don't do much work for you. I feel like the poem needs to go at three layers deeper and we're stuck here on the surface dealing with banal observations.

Some light line notes below.

Pretty Boy
 
We sit together on a log
Looking across the reservoir--A bit of a so what as an opening line, though I do prefer your plain language lines like this one.
 
Admiring the autumn colors
Layered under the blue sky--says little
 
Yellow, orange, brown and evergreen
Cast reflections serene--list of colors and trying to impose serenity by telling the reader its serene.
 
A quiet breeze sets the tone
for what would be our last afternoon 
 
You’re more quiet than usual
While I get up to search for bones--Possibly a better choice for an opener. More evocative.
 
Fisherman in their boat
Don’t pay us any note
 
A crow calls out overhead
His fortuitous cry piercing the silence--fortuitous is just another adjective drawing attention to itself
 
What was it you were thinking?
I now know with regret
 
I wish we had sat and held hands
and confessed our hearts’ discontent
 
Perhaps we could have saved ourselves from anguish
Perhaps we could have saved what was left
 
For that quiet afternoon this past October
was our last meeting as lovers--We should be building to an emotional payoff, and there really isn't one as it stands.

My advice with this would be to go deeper and stop trying to make the adjectives do what your image doesn't.

I hope this will be helpful for you as you revise.

Best,

Todd

[humility]

you're right, there is nothingness....but somehow you have failed to understand the meaning behind this piece at all. we're well beyond hand holding stage...haha. do you have any constructive criticism at all?

I can't really give constructive criticism, just my reaction. Sorry. And I guess I thought since the narrator I guess? Do poems have narrators? Said they wished they had been holding hands I thought that meant they weren't holding hands. So I was kind of just picturing two people who had feelings for each other but hadn't done anything to express them. And instead were just blankly staring at the scenery.

[laltieri0]

Pretty Boy
 
We sit together on a log   Choose a new opener that draws the reader in more  
Looking across the reservoir
 
Admiring the autumn colors 
Layered under the blue sky
 
Yellow, orange, brown and evergreen  L2-L6 reword to characterize the scenery with more vivid and unique imagery. Listing colors isn't effective.. I like the scene you're trying to set but be more specific-- what's brown? What kind of brown? These are pretty vague 
Cast reflections serene
 
A quiet breeze sets the tone
for what would be our last afternoon 
 
You’re more quiet than usual
While I get up to search for bones
 
Fisherman in their boat
Don’t pay us any note This seems a little forced. You don't rhyme throughout so I wouldn't worry about it here
 
A crow calls out overhead
His fortuitous cry piercing the silence  you already said he calls out, maybe use a different line prior to this. You could say a more interesting version of him flying overhead or something. Just personal opinion. 
 
What was it you were thinking?
I now know with regret
 
I wish we had sat and held hands  ...I, i 
and confessed our hearts’ discontent
 
Perhaps we could have saved ourselves from anguish
Perhaps we could have saved what was left
 
For that quiet afternoon this past October
was our last meeting as lovers. Awkward as a last line and anticlimactic. You could even try dropping "meeting as lovers" and I think it'd be a little stronger 

I like the idea you're working with, I just need to feel it more and see it happen. Leave some unsaid. Lead the reader to the conclusion you state at the end. Show body language, tell us how the breeze feels, etc. good work!

[Gretel]

I don't know if I can rewrite this or not...I try to but the words just won't come to me. I guess I have lost my passion for poetry for now, this wasn't really one of my better pieces. I just posted it here without putting much thought into it. Sorry for wasting everyone's time. Thanks for the suggestions, maybe some day I will be able to put words to my thoughts.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Pretty Boy
 
We sit together on a log
Looking across the reservoir
 
Admiring the autumn colors
Layered under the blue sky I like this couplet 
 
Yellow, orange, brown and evergreen
Cast reflections serene
 
A quiet breeze sets the tone
for what would be our last afternoon 
 
You’re more quiet than usual
While I get up to search for bones This is lost on me. Are you using imagery? It seems out of place with the rest of the piece.
 
Fisherman in their boat Fishermen
Don’t pay us any note
 
A crow calls out overhead
His fortuitous cry piercing the silence
 
What was it you were thinking?
I now know with regret
 
I wish we had sat and held hands
and confessed our hearts’ discontent
 
Perhaps we could have saved ourselves from anguish
Perhaps we could have saved what was left
 
For that quiet afternoon this past October
was our last meeting as lovers

Hello and welcome. My issue here is it doesn't invoke any emotion in me or draw me into any nice imagery. Maybe try some imagery and maybe a bit about the emotions shared would give something to gravitate towards. It was nice to read and I hope this is helpful.

[litQueen]

I had to read this a few times, but it's relatable. I like the somber vibe it gives off.
 Just a few things...

Pretty Boy
 
We sit together on a log
Looking across the reservoir
 
Admiring the autumn colors
Layered under the blue sky --- This is a bit fluffy... Takes away from what you're trying to convey
 
Yellow, orange, brown and evergreen
Cast reflections serene
 
A quiet breeze sets the tone
for what would be our last afternoon 
 
You’re more quiet than usual - I would put a comma here? Maybe
While I get up to search for bones
 
Fisherman in their boat
Don’t pay us any note
 
A crow calls out overhead
His fortuitous cry piercing the silence
 
What was it you were thinking?
I now know with regret
 
I wish we had sat and held hands
and confessed our hearts’ discontent
 
Perhaps we could have saved ourselves from anguish
Perhaps we could have saved what was left  - "what was left".. I really like the way it sounds with "Hearts' discontent" 
 
For that quiet afternoon this past October
was our last meeting as lovers

[RiverNotch]

the title is ironic, perhaps to the point of distraction -- the pretty boy is not at all discussed, not even in the manner of most remotely self-conscious sonneteers where at least one aspect of the partner, eg hair or smarts or youth, becomes the partner's "prettiness".

images are banal. the most unique thing about this is the reservoir, but only because it's the most specific term throughout (i'm not counting "evergreen", because that is not a color).

rhyme also distracts by modifying the voice in such a way that it seems the author found the first two lines too flat and chose to sort of vivify everything too late.

there's too much telling -- the images don't speak for themselves. let's see: "cast reflections serene" as in the reservoir is serene, or the reflections? and either way, the inversion makes it read awkwardly; "a quiet breeze sets the tone" if it really set the tone, then showing the breeze alone should be enough; "fortuitous cry" how exactly does it being incidental, as pretty much most of the images here should be, affect our understanding of the piece?.

the change of tense by the last four stanzas doesn't seem to serve a purpose, either: because the images are so typical or vague ("i get up to search for bones"?) or "told", the scene really isn't vivid enough to justify present tense. everything could work made more conventionally past.

and last, fishermen.

[nibbed]

Hi, Gretel. Your poem was easy to read. I was puzzled by the title, kept thinking of my old green pet parakeet named Pretty Boy. He used to peck at the plastic Smurf head I popped off from a tube of bubblegum. I tied it to the inside of his cage and he liked it better than his beak sharpening stone. He was lonely and I think he thought it was a living companion. YOUR POEM: I am imagining a black and white scene being written in color, if that makes any sense. I like couplets but am seeing this to fit better as prose. I hope you don't give up on this poem, you certainly have secured the basic scene.



Pretty Boy
 
We sit together on a log
Looking across the reservoir
 
Admiring the autumn colors                                    would like a different word than colors
Layered under the blue sky                                      I like the "layered under" but what sort of blue?
 
Yellow, orange, brown and evergreen                      repeats two lines up
Cast reflections serene
 
A quiet breeze sets the tone                                    
for what would be our last afternoon 
 
You’re more quiet than usual                                    repeat of quiet above
While I get up to search for bones                             bones was good
 
Fisherman in their boat                                               
Don’t pay us any note
 
A crow calls out overhead
His fortuitous cry piercing the silence                           calls &cry kind of repetitive
 
What was it you were thinking?
I now know with regret
 
I wish we had sat and held hands
and confessed our hearts’ discontent
 
Perhaps we could have saved ourselves from anguish
Perhaps we could have saved what was left
 
For that quiet afternoon this past October                          awkward ending
was our last meeting as lovers                                              loses its cadence




                                                                                             best wishes!

[alyssa]

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work! You have some really nice points of imagery. Very pretty. I would watch repetition of a few words, but that's really picky. All in all, a few more strong adjectives might give it the punch that really appeals to the emotion that should be felt in this piece. I felt for the speaker, but I think that with the theme I could feel even more! Great work.

[operadiva]

Thanks for the post! This poem is easy for me to get attached to, because i have been in this situation ( or something similar) recently. I think for me, I just wanted the scene to be described with even more detail. I wanted more texture! I feel like, if the moment or afternoon was so memorable, the fine details would have stuck with the speaker. I liked that halfway through you let the reader know that it was going to be the last time the two are together, but it left me as the reader dying to hear an explanation. If not an explanation of why, a clearer picture of how. Why wasn't there a hand holding conversation of discontent. Why would the significant other just walk away without saying more? The title is 'pretty boy' but i don't know if that really adds to the poem itself. 

*I liked the narrative, and a lot of the language. It definitely spoke to me on a personal level, and for that I thank you. Keep writing and keep posting! 

Operadiva.