The self-indulgence of daydreaming at night,
wondering if California Anchorman could ever fly.
Walking a lot by murk of evening
and sleeping.
And it broke me. Like the bullfight, and Brett and a bullfight,
and a soft name in a phone, and that perfect name in between.
And all I ever did was love her, he said,
but not me.
I think.
When bombs don't go off,
little is rebuilt which is perhaps kinder
though so much less helpful.
This world should end
sometime
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi tommyb
Sadly in this Magellan world we may often see every tittle has been spilled and wasted from a heart's messaged bottle of good intention into a crazy vast sea of surrealism. We beg victory as we survive over and over shipwrecks that wash us ashore on craggy rifts of human error. If only we were omniscient, but we are not & if we were, would that alone cause greater error? Sometimes our Raft will lead us to find our own broken containers, washed up on the sand, in beautiful hues of polished dusty pastel, beaten only by the beauty of the incessant pounding of Love's crashing waves. Waves wrought from a direction not found on a compass. We learn that even through the fate of littering error or even fumbling accident, that regardless, the rarity of sea glass may appear at any moment. Even though we may not be a collector, what a surprise when we are the one to find it, reach down and admire it. Thankfully, the power directing uncharted seas isn't limited to a cord. Sometimes we just wait and find the Wind's direction or the position of that Great Light in order to know where to go or what to do, hoping for that favorable joyful result.
The self-indulgence of daydreaming at night,
wondering if California Anchorman could ever fly.
Walking a lot by murk of evening
and sleeping.
And it broke me. Like the bullfight, and Brett and a bullfight,
and a soft name in a phone, and that perfect name in between. best part of poem that perfect name in between
And all I ever did was love her, he said,
but not me.
I think. it will be okay
When bombs don't go off,
little is rebuilt which is perhaps kinder I envision only an unseen City by clever design
though so much less helpful.
This world should end
sometime it's as if someone
is waiting for the okay
It could do with some sharpening
the poem resonates light and dark
love and hate
crashing waves, its own.
I hope the poet is fine & well.
Thank you so much for the read,
sorry for my novella of expression
over the read. Best wishes.
there's always a better reason to love
"The self-indulgence of daydreaming at night,"
I think this line could be tweaked. The pattern of "The ________ of ____ __ ____" is something I see fairly often, so it doesn't have as much of an impact as the rest of the poem.
"And it broke me. Like the bullfight, and Brett and a bullfight,
and a soft name in a phone, and that perfect name in between."
This is just beautiful... I love how you've managed to use the word "bullfight" in a way that it still sounds graceful. How you've repeated it using "a" instead of "the" the second time makes it sound more abstract, like you've been thinking about it over and over again.
I also really like how this poem created a scene in my head, without actually describing a setting. I imagine a dark, poorly-lit city street, shiny and rained-on, with tall buildings on both sides...
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Hi tommyb
Welcome to the site. I have some thoughts for you below.
(03-13-2017, 07:14 AM)tommyb Wrote: The self-indulgence of daydreaming at night, -- good opening line
wondering if California Anchorman could ever fly. -- I googled this, but couldn't figure out what it is. 
Walking a lot by murk of evening -- you don't need "a lot"
and sleeping.
And it broke me. Like the bullfight, and Brett and a bullfight,
and a soft name in a phone, and that perfect name in between. -- I really like these last two lines. Good concrete detail.
And all I ever did was love her, he said,
but not me.
I think. -- I'd omit this. It feels tacked on, but not in a good way. Integrate it somewhere or else I'd drop it.
When bombs don't go off,
little is rebuilt which is perhaps kinder -- I like these two lines, the alternate perspective
though so much less helpful. -- this sentence is fairly weak because "helpful" is not specific. It's too vague.
This world should end
sometime -- I like the ending too.
The first stanza has two sentences that are not sentences but dependent clauses. I'd rectify that.
Also, I'd think of another title. The one you have 'gives away' one of your best lines.
I enjoyed the read, thanks for posting!
Lizzie
Thanks very much for the feedback, all of which is being taken on board. I will respond in full and rework a little at the weekend when I have some free time to sit down and think.
