Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
we awaken to the sounds
of dump trucks cement mixers
hydraulics hissing
they should sound like failure
my failure
to bend to blend
to use the tree canopy as roof
the leaves as bed
children fight over a toy
that they each must have
they and no other
push pull punch scream tattle
their love for each other
is no deterrent to mine
not when they want
not when it's theirs
tell me how
this is not the way of nature?
you tell me to touch the nature within me—
you and your henna tattoos
essential oils magnets crystals
and hemp everything
you tell me
allow the primal to guide
but if i'm honest
the trucks' rumbling sounds like assertion
instead of apologizing or moving to the side
sorry—so sorry
i'm not sorry today
i breathe deep the sound of
control a concrete anchor
because this is where we'll stay
here and nowhere else
Looking to see if I should pursue this one or if it's yawn producing.
Posts: 19
Threads: 6
Joined: Jun 2013
(02-19-2017, 04:52 AM)Lizzie Wrote: we awaken to the sounds --- awaken seems a little too poetic for a poem about concrete and acceptance of a mundane life. Wake or "wake up" would work.
of dump trucks cement mixers
hydraulics hissing ----I think "hydraulic hissing" works better. It is a concrete thing like truck and mixer whereas "hydraulics hissing" is an activity.
they should sound like failure
my failure .
to bend to blend --- One assumed you failed to bend to society's norms and blend in. But the you go onto say counter culture stuff. Did you fail to blend in
to use the tree canopy as roof with the henna/crystal/hemp crowd?
the leaves as bed
children fight over a toy
that they each must have
they and no other
push pull punch scream tattle ---Could you not write this whole verse about adult behavior "as the way of nature"
their love for each other
is no deterrent to mine
not when they want
not when it's theirs
tell me how
this is not the way of nature?
you tell me to touch the nature within me—
you and your henna tattoos
essential oils magnets crystals
and hemp everything
you tell me
allow the primal to guide
but if i'm honest
the trucks' rumbling sounds like assertion
instead of apologizing or moving to the side
sorry—so sorry
i'm not sorry today
i breathe deep the sound of
control a concrete anchor
because this is where we'll stay
here and nowhere else
Looking to see if I should pursue this one or if it's yawn producing.
I think you should pursue it.
I like the no punctuation thing. : )
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
It starts well, but I struggle it make sense of it afterwards. I'm sure with enough effort some story will emerge, but you lose my interest before drawing me in fully.
I also find the word spacing gimmicky.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 257
Threads: 108
Joined: Dec 2016
This tread has been moved at the author's request. --Quix/mod. 
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Thanks for the advice, guys. I'll make clarity my first priority with this one.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Lizzie
The difference between when a trope works and doesn't is whether it impacts the conscious or unconscious mind. For a trope to work (and we will include the above in that category) it has to be as if it were thrown off, otherwise the reader (in this case myself) feels as if I am being manipulated by the writer. Another aspect of this is it becomes a distraction to the poem. To go a little further, what was the rationale in writing
"we awaken to the sounds
of dump trucks cement mixers
hydraulics hissing"
instead of:
"We awaken to the hydraulic hissing sound
of dump trucks and cement mixers?"
Does one do something over the other? If so I do not see it, and for me it is only a distraction.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Hi Dale, thanks for commenting. I say that phrase with more of a pause before 'hydraulics hissing.' I wonder if the lack of punctuation is hampering this one more than helping. But, yes, your phrasing does sound natural.
It's good to have some new eyes and ears on this one. Give me lots to think about.
Thank you again.
Posts: 19
Threads: 6
Joined: Jun 2013
if you are going to use gaps instead of punctuation maybe you should use it more.
we awaken to the sounds
of dump trucks cement mixers
_______________ hydraulics hissing ( couldn't get the page to show blank space at begining of the line)
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi, Lizzie. I like your poem & will make a few notes below. It has an air of mystery, almost as a rebuttal to failure of some plan, but then I saw it more quirky as I read it over and over. It's thoughtful, but needs something. It was almost as though the narrator was looking in a dusty mirror or one that had a faded backing, reciting or preparing. I want to pull that out of darkness, but I don't know how. It blessed me, just the same. Thank you.
we awaken to the sounds
of dump trucks cement mixers
hydraulics hissing I like this.
they should sound like failure
my failure
to bend to blend
to use the tree canopy as roof
the leaves as bed good natural description
children fight over a toy
that they each must have if they are already fighting, is this line necessary?
they and no other this too?
push pull punch scream tattle
their love for each other cute, like this
is no deterrent to mine
not when they want
not when it's theirs confused me at first, then I briefly saw the mind of such a child
tell me how
this is not the way of nature? made me think sadly, there'll always be better newer toys, as old toys get scrapped and given to charity...
you tell me to touch the nature within me—
you and your henna tattoos
essential oils magnets crystals
and hemp everything
you tell me
allow the primal to guide
but if i'm honest
the trucks' rumbling sounds like assertion
instead of apologizing or moving to the side
sorry—so sorry
i'm not sorry today human on both sides of a struggle
i breathe deep the sound of
control a concrete anchor anchors are symbolic of security/safety and are needful for peace
because this is where we'll stay it's hard being a drifter, even if it's just things about our hearts
here and nowhere else we are reckoning with
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Hi nibbed. Thanks for the feedback.
Yes, it is missing something, probably in the way of clarity. I'll probably come back to this one in a few months and see what there is to see with new eyes. Thanks again!
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(02-19-2017, 04:52 AM)Lizzie Wrote: we awaken to the sounds
of dump trucks cement mixers
hydraulics hissing
they should sound like failure
my failure
to bend to blend
to use the tree canopy as roof
the leaves as bed
interesting stanza.. experiencing it as failure to blend in with the hippies. that leads me to the thought that there should not be the obligation to blend in at all, one way or another.
children fight over a toy
that they each must have
they and no other
push pull punch scream tattle
their love for each other
is no deterrent to mine
how could it ever be?
not when they want
not when it's theirs
tell me how
this is not the way of nature?
you tell me to touch the nature within me—
you and your henna tattoos
essential oils magnets crystals
and hemp everything
you tell me
allow the primal to guide
nice way to unmask empty bullshit
but if i'm honest
the trucks' rumbling sounds like assertion
instead of apologizing or moving to the side
sorry—so sorry
i'm not sorry today
i breathe deep the sound of
control a concrete anchor
because this is where we'll stay
here and nowhere else
Looking to see if I should pursue this one or if it's yawn producing.
i don´t think it´s yawn producing. the way you forge your message is interesting (it is unfortunately not clear enough for me).
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Hi vagabond. Yes, the consensus seems to be that it's an incomprehensible rant.
Thanks for the read.
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
