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Sparky, sparkle-plenty, chameleon and blondie,
she loved anything tender or unique.
Sweet endearments and older friends,
it makes her feel bad she doesn't cherish any of them.
This one soared at the speed of light -
through the narrowest wires in her mind;
to within the network she held her deepest creed.
She's falling short, she'd often find.
Eyes follow the soul,
what's right takes its toll.
They give true glimpses
of failed outward instance.
Of all the nicknames she could invite,
all the gifts in all of time,
'Diamond Eyes' walked in and burned pure light
into her cloaked and never sought soul.
Now her soul felt the shine,
as soul and wires combined.
Then again, maybe it wasn't meant that way at all.
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The language is lush, melodic and compelling, but I don't understand all the parts.
Sparky, sparkle-plenty, chameleon and blondie, [these are obviously nicknames she's used]
she loved anything tender or unique.
Sweet endearments and older friends,
it makes her feel bad she doesn't cherish any of them. ["them" meaning the friends, right?]
This one soared in lightyear speed -- ["this one" means a nickname, or a friend?]
through the narrowest wires in her mind;
to within the network she held her deepest creed. [she sounds shallow, so "deepest creed" sounds wrong]
She's falling short, she'd often find. [in what way is she falling short?]
Eyes follow the soul, [
what's right takes its toll. [not sure of the significance of these two lines]
They give true glimpses [it took me a while to realize that "They" meant "eyes"]
of failed outward instance. [can we have an example of "failed outward instance"?]
Of all the nicknames she could invite,
all the gifts in all of time,
'Diamond Eyes' walked in and burned pure light ["Diamond eyes" is a person and not a nickname, right?
into her cloaked and never sought soul. "walked in" made me think of a person]
Now her soul felt the shine,
as soul and wires combined. [from this I gather she fell in love? or is this entire stanza still about nicknames?]
Then again, maybe it wasn't meant that way at all. [not sure what "it" is]
I acknowledge that I can be somewhat dense when interpreting poems. Also, a certain amount of vagueness in a poem is generally accepted these days, although that's a trends I don't like. Even so -- if you would make your meaning more explicit, I think you'd have a magnificent poem. You have a way of combining words that is delicious; I just want to understand the meaning a little better.
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Your compliments mean so much, thank you! I'm glad you pointed out the confusion in the last stanza, I didn't realize it conveyed diamond eyes as a person but I see now how it does. Diamond eyes is another nickname. But could just as well be somewhat representational of a person. I should replace walked in. The only other thing I feel I should clarify is that it's not friends she doesn't cherish, it's the nicknames those loved ones gave her which pale in comparison to the nickname diamond eyes. Again my wording needs revised. I've been told a few times now that my writing can be vague, so, it's definitely something I need to imrove on! Haha Thank you for your insights, I will work to make this poem more understandable. There is more meaning I could explain but hopefully the revisions I make will reflect that and it will stand on its own. Thanks for reading!
(02-19-2017, 07:27 AM)Caleb Murdock Wrote: The language is lush, melodic and compelling, but I don't understand all the parts.
Sparky, sparkle-plenty, chameleon and blondie, [these are obviously nicknames she's used]
she loved anything tender or unique.
Sweet endearments and older friends,
it makes her feel bad she doesn't cherish any of them. ["them" meaning the friends, right?]
This one soared in lightyear speed -- ["this one" means a nickname, or a friend?]
through the narrowest wires in her mind;
to within the network she held her deepest creed. [she sounds shallow, so "deepest creed" sounds wrong]
She's falling short, she'd often find. [in what way is she falling short?]
Eyes follow the soul, [
what's right takes its toll. [not sure of the significance of these two lines]
They give true glimpses [it took me a while to realize that "They" meant "eyes"]
of failed outward instance. [can we have an example of "failed outward instance"?]
Of all the nicknames she could invite,
all the gifts in all of time,
'Diamond Eyes' walked in and burned pure light ["Diamond eyes" is a person and not a nickname, right?
into her cloaked and never sought soul. "walked in" made me think of a person]
Now her soul felt the shine,
as soul and wires combined. [from this I gather she fell in love? or is this entire stanza still about nicknames?]
Then again, maybe it wasn't meant that way at all. [not sure what "it" is]
I acknowledge that I can be somewhat dense when interpreting poems. Also, a certain amount of vagueness in a poem is generally accepted these days, although that's a trends I don't like. Even so -- if you would make your meaning more explicit, I think you'd have a magnificent poem. You have a way of combining words that is delicious; I just want to understand the meaning a little better.
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Hi Chels. A couple of thoughts for you. I like that it's a description of one person, and the first two stanzas help me feel like I'm getting to know the person, but the last three don't get me much further.
(02-19-2017, 02:13 AM)Chels Wrote: Sparky, sparkle-plenty, chameleon and blondie,
she loved anything tender or unique.
Sweet endearments and older friends, -- 'sweet endearments' is cliche. I'd try to make the descriptors here and in the previous line more specific.
it makes her feel bad she doesn't cherish any of them. -- 'makes her feel bad' is a weak description. I'd try to find something less bland than 'bad.' But, I do like the sentiments expressed in this stanza.
This one soared in lightyear speed - -- a lightyear is a distance, not a speed. You can say flew at the speed of light. And why 'this one' instead of her? Or are you referring to someone else?
through the narrowest wires in her mind; -- a semi colon separates two complete sentences, and the one that follows is not complete by itelf, so I'd replace the semi colon with a comma.
to within the network she held her deepest creed. -- I'd put a "where" after 'network.'
She's falling short, she'd often find. -- I'd cut this or elaborate and make it into its own stanza. It doesn't fit where it is and feels tacked on.
Eyes follow the soul,
what's right takes its toll.
They give true glimpses
of failed outward instance. -- there's a tonal shift when we hit this stanza, from talking about a person to talking about something disembodied. Maybe if it was at the end, it wouldn't seem to out of place. But, you return to talking of her in the next stanza, so it's a strange detour. I also don't find that it makes much sense, content wise.
Of all the nicknames she could invite,
all the gifts in all of time, -- this line can be cut.
'Diamond Eyes' walked in and burned pure light
into her cloaked and never sought soul. -- 'never sought soul' doesn't flow well -- I'd try to re-word this.
Now her soul felt the shine,
as soul and wires combined.
Then again, maybe it wasn't meant that way at all. -- do you mean that "Diamond Eyes" wasn't meant that way? If you're not referring to the nickname given, then I don't know what you're talking about. And this ending seems to be taking the poem in a different direction -- away from concentrating on her to speculating about the motives and intentions of some other person that we're not introduced to.
Overall, I'd try to stick with the 3rd person narrative and use that to unify the piece.
Hope this helps some,
Lizzie
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