The Bird Sat On a Branch

[kylede87]

The bird sat on a branch, its color black
dotted with white spots, carrying a worm,
against it a backdrop of bees did swarm.
the struggle of life under the noon sky
a worm ingested, while the bees did fly,
battles begun and battles lost to time.
it was a microscopic play, a dream
a pinhole in fabric, the cosmic seam
the subatomic kind, a pantomime.
 
What did the bird know of hunger, of want?
or was instinct its doubloon, guide of ships
when summer suns rise, and the cold moon dips
how the bird’s beak, magnetized to the prey,
proof of mechanical, puppet display.

[Donald Q.]

The bird sat on a branch, its color black
dotted with white spots, carrying a worm,
against it a backdrop of bees did swarm.
the struggle of life under the noon sky
a worm ingested, while the bees did fly,
battles begun and battles lost to time.
it was a microscopic play, a dream
a pinhole in fabric, the cosmic seam
the subatomic kind, a pantomime.
 
What did the bird know of hunger, of want?
or was instinct its doubloon, guide of ships
when summer suns rise, and the cold moon dips
how the bird’s beak, magnetized to the prey,
proof of mechanical, puppet display.

I will give you some general comments; firstly that I would capitalize the next lines when you end on a full-stop for the previous line. (And I think some people would have you capitalize every line, but I would ignore them too). 
I would also say that although you clearly want to use some formal meter, there are plenty of points in the poem where you are talking like yoda just to fit the meter like 'against it a backdrop of bees did swarm.' Read your poem aloud, see which bits sound like something you would be happy reading to someone without wearing a costume of medieval robes. 

You are bringing up some big ideas about the nature of life, and there's alot of different imagery here; beginning with the mundane, then the highly abstract, then somewhere else. You can write a poem about a bird eating a worm, but it needs to be disciplined, perhaps build more slowly towards the cosmic issues! Also I would reconsider your title; unless it is ironic, it comes across as a bit of a dull title. Hope this is in some way helpful, and welcome to the Pigpen!

[kylede87]

I really appreciate the feedback, Donald. You are right about me trying to fit the meter, and that line is a bit awkward. It was originally titled "The Puppet Show", but I decided to go with the current one because I kind of saw it as a photograph or a painting of sorts, with the title conveying what it was, but also having some layers underneath (if that makes sense). I can definitely see how I just shuttle out the cosmic issues so quickly, so I'll go back and see what I can do. Thanks so much! you were a huge help.

[Lizzie]

First off I agree that there are many layers to this poem, and I love that. Big questions and I don't think they're all getting the airtime they deserve.

Yes to everything DQ said.

For sure change the title; it makes me think, 'Ugh, another piece about birds.' Some things have just been written about to death, but this piece is more interesting than that. Which is also why I think you should re-work your first two lines, because the intro (especially line one) feels like I'm starting into a children's book. You need to hook the reader right away.

Anyway, I think you have a nice piece on your hands, and I hope to read a revision!

Lizzie

[Achebe]

hello kyle - a line like 

or was instinct its doubloon, guide of ships

is good. A doubloon was a gold coin, and gold led ships to the new world. So I see the connection. It's an imaginative use of the concept, and an interesting use of an uncommon word.
The poem would improve if you didn't try to rhyme every line and dropped words like 'did' which are there only to fill the metre. Rhyming 'worm' with 'swarmed', for instance, is good enough and more natural in the passage above.

[kylede87]

Wow, thanks for the awesome feedback guys! I'm definitely going to do a rewrite soon, I'm just trying to get through a ton of homework. I can't wait to put out a revision!