Piss in a bottle
shit in a jar
bleed in a vial
have your gut scanned ~
all to find out
medically
just how you are.
Answer the phone
voice-printing “yes”
leave fingerprints,
mucus, saliva,
semen or hair ~
then all will know
forensically
just who you are.
Live as you’ve read
stare at the stars
envy the birds,
a baby, the dead ~
then you may know
just what you are
empirically.
Edit1;
Piss in a bottle
shit in a jar
bleed in a vial
have your gut scanned ~
all to find out
medically
just how you are.
Answer the phone
voice-printing “yes”
leave fingerprints,
mucus, saliva,
semen or hair ~
then all will know
forensically
just who you are.
[pre verse]
Call the heat warm
stare at the stars
envy the birds,
a baby, the dead;
feel the unseen
from stories you’ve read ~
then you may know
empirically
just what you are.
original;
Piss in a bottle
shit in a jar
bleed in a vial
have your gut scanned ~
all to find out
medically
just how you are.
Answer the phone
say the word “yes”
leave fingerprints,
mucus, saliva,
semen or hair ~
then all will know
forensically
just who you are.
Call the heat warm
stare at the stars
envy the birds,
a baby, the dead;
see and believe
what you have read ~
then you shall know
humanistically
just what you are.
Written after the annual physical, and reading that criminal elements are now making calls whose sole purpose is to get the unwary mark to say the word "yes" so it can be spliced in after an unrelated phrase such as, "You agree to pay $500 a month for this service?"
Really enjoy the pattern, learned something new in the spoiler
(02-05-2017, 02:14 AM)dukealien Wrote: Precision
Piss in a bottle
shit in a jar
bleed in a vial
have your gut scanned ~
all to find out
medically
just how you are.
Answer the phone
say the word “yes” I appreciate the spoiler but this line seems out of place, maybe elaborate the evidence line by line like the first stanza, piss shit blood
leave fingerprints,
mucus, saliva,
semen or hair ~
then all will know
forensically
just who you are.
Call the heat warm
stare at the stars
envy the birds,
a baby, the dead;
see and believe
what you have read ~ cliche?
then you shall know
humanistically humanistically long awkward word
just what you are.
Written after the annual physical, and reading that criminal elements are now making calls whose sole purpose is to get the unwary mark to say the word "yes" so it can be spliced in after an unrelated phrase such as, "You agree to pay $500 a month for this service?"
Piss in a bottle
shit in a jar
bleed in a vial
have your gut scanned ~
all to find out
medically
just how you are.
Answer the phone
say the word “yes”
leave fingerprints,
mucus, saliva,
semen or hair ~
then all will know
forensically
just who you are.
Call the heat warm
stare at the stars
envy the birds,
a baby, the dead;
see and believe
what you have read ~
then you shall know
humanistically
just what you are.
Written after the annual physical, and reading that criminal elements are now making calls whose sole purpose is to get the unwary mark to say the word "yes" so it can be spliced in after an unrelated phrase such as, "You agree to pay $500 a month for this service?"
Hi. For me, this poem is very off putting. Its seems like it should be building to something, a wave of emotion, it shouts "i am profound", but i just feel like it falls kinda flat.
The poem took the most obvious way of getting to the writers intent that it feels kinda just spat out.
I don't think the "shall" helps either. It comes off sounding trying to hard to be profound. Humanistically feels clumsy. Spiritually probably works just as well. Medically who i am doesn't make a whole lot of sense. It should be health. So it's kinda of awkward again.... And i can't help but wonder the importance of me, forensically. My genetics or my heritigage.. but the forensic word choice is again, awkward for me.
Maybe the second person view is what hurts this poem. first person might be better. e.g.,
my heart rate tells them who i am medically
my saliva tells them who i am forensically
but my reaction to death let's them know i'm human.
For me, the first two stanzas are clear and work very well, but the third stanza gives unusual examples of what makes a human being. Envying birds, I can see, but a baby or the dead?
I feel that the final line would be better with "who" instead of "what", but then you have two stanzas ending with "who", and that doesn't work. I don't know how you would fix that, so I suppose you should stick with "what".
The word "humanistically" seems a little odd to me. Perhaps "emotionally" would be better. If there were a form of the word "identity" that would fit, that would be best, since I think you are talking about identity in the final stanza.
Piss in a bottle
shit in a jar
bleed in a vial
have your gut scanned ~
all to find out
medically
just how you are.
Answer the phone
voice-printing “yes”
leave fingerprints,
mucus, saliva,
semen or hair ~
then all will know
forensically
just who you are.
Call the heat warm
stare at the stars
envy the birds,
a baby, the dead;
feel the unseen
from stories you’ve read ~
then you may know
empirically
just what you are.
Thanks to all the excellent critics of this rather slight poem. Have tried to address their valuable critiques in this edit.
The "envy" lines are intended as a three-pronged choice: envy the birds = wish your life were different; envy a baby = wish you had it to do over; envy the dead = wish it *were* over.
"[E]mpirically" replacing "humanistically" - the latter is clumsy, couldn't think of a better expression for "man is the measure of all things." The edit is twistier: experiencing all or any of these shows that you're essentially, from your own observations, a creature of thought and ideas - not/as well as the medical and social/forensic realities. Hope it's now profound enough ; it does seem to read easier.
Hi Duke! I like medically, I like forensically, but I don't think empirically works. Feeling the unseen is the opposite of empirical evidence.
Are you trying to say that the third stanza items are who we REALLY are as opposed to the first two, or just that those are other facets that are just as true? This might inform your word choice. I didn't like humanistic (mostly because I think of philosophy classes in uni), but it felt closer to being accurate.
The problem might just be in the structure. I'd recommend taking your concepts and doing a rewrite in another form, and see if another structure allows you to say what you're really wanting to. Sometimes we get boxed in by what we've already written.
This poem provides an interesting lesson to all poets: Once you create a pattern in a poem, you have to stick with it, and the pattern should unfold logically from one stanza to the next.
I admit that I don't understand what you are getting at with the images in the third stanza:
stare at the stars
envy the birds,
a baby, the dead;
feel the unseen
from stories you’ve read
It seems to me that you are trying to outline "who" you are spiritually or emotionally, but you used "who" in the second stanza, and there's the problem. Indeed, it seems to me that "who" is the word you want in all three stanzas. Right now you have this:
Instead of that, why not use "who" in all stanzas and end them like this:
just who you are
medically.
just who you are
forensically.
just who you are
empircally. [or another option]
or like this:
medically
just who you are.
forensically
just who you are.
empirically [or another option]
just who you are.
Like Lizzie, I don't like "empirically" -- but if you use "who" in each stanza, then you have more options, such as emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc. The word "what" is tying you down.
There is a third potential problem with the poem: Does "empirically" (or emotionally or spiritually) logically follow "medically" and "forensically"? Why are forensics important? I think you need to figure out the logic of the progression -- i.e., what you are really trying to say. "Medically" and "forensically" both mean "physically" -- i.e., "medically" is the same as "physically for purposes of health" and "forensically" is the same as "physically for purposes of identity". So what follows "physically"? I think that either "emotionally" or "spiritually", and of those two concepts, "spiritually" is the most poetic. So:
medically
who
forensically
who
spiritually
who
is the logical progression for me.
I think the poem will work best if you use images in the third stanza that will appeal to the broadest number of people. I don't understand some of them, and I'm not sure of what you are trying to get at in that stanza.
I'm sorry for meandering, but I was trying to analyze the poem in detail.
Hi duke, this reads beautifully now and I'm a fan of the subject, some notes below.
(02-05-2017, 02:14 AM)dukealien Wrote: Precision
Piss in a bottle
shit in a jar
bleed in a vial
have your gut scanned ~
all to find out
medically
just how you are. Nicely blunt, as the reality is. Have you considered an em dash?
Answer the phone
voice-printing “yes”
leave fingerprints,
mucus, saliva,
semen or hair ~
then all will know
forensically
just who you are. Just right.
Call the heat warm
stare at the stars
envy the birds,
a baby, the dead; Love these two lines, for me they cover the spectrum of what we think we want: Freedom, possibility and relief. Well done.
feel the unseen
from stories you’ve read ~
then you may know
empirically
just what you are. For some reason I find the repeat at the end unsatisfying. Have you considered swapping the last two lines? "empirically" could then be the final word on the subject, the ending would be a bit of a change up while still maintaining continuity.
P.S. I just read some of the other crit so want to say I love empirically, it has a way of negating, or balancing, the "reality" of what precedes it, a yes for me.
Piss in a bottle
shit in a jar
bleed in a vial
have your gut scanned ~
all to find out
medically
just how you are.
Answer the phone
say the word “yes”
leave fingerprints,
mucus, saliva,
semen or hair ~
then all will know
forensically
just who you are.
Call the heat warm
stare at the stars
envy the birds,
a baby, the dead;
see and believe
what you have read ~
then you shall know
humanistically
just what you are.
Written after the annual physical, and reading that criminal elements are now making calls whose sole purpose is to get the unwary mark to say the word "yes" so it can be spliced in after an unrelated phrase such as, "You agree to pay $500 a month for this service?"
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
I've always said that if even one intelligent and literate person "gets" and likes a poem you've written, there is no need to change it. Ellajam seems to have given you that vote. I never understood the third stanza, so you should keep that in mind when evaluating my comments.
I thought the medically forensically, humanistically was another embedded pattern 3, 4, 5 syllables, but how many 5 syllable words are there to describe what you're saying? Meta-physically?
Piss in a bottle
shit in a jar
bleed in a vial
have your gut scanned ~
all to find out
medically
just how you are.
Answer the phone
voice-printing “yes”
leave fingerprints,
mucus, saliva,
semen or hair ~
then all will know
forensically
just who you are.
Live as you’ve read
stare at the stars
envy the birds,
a baby, the dead ~
then you may know
just what you are
empirically.
Thanks again to all the critics. In two minds about reversing the other two trailing couplets as well (my mind is small indeed, hence ts enormous consistency hobgoblin), but this variation seems to work. Also simplified the last stanza generally, removing some embroidery to better match the others' plainness.
@Lizzie
Appreciate the idea of changing the format entirely; there is a lock-in effect. For now, the format seems to fit the program reasonably well: how representative (healthy) a member of your class are you, which member of the class are you, and what's the class to which you belong, anyway?
One discarded idea was to change "forensically" to "identically," but too long a stem down to the "id" root then back up to "identity."
Non-practicing atheist
; it does seem to read easier.
