Burning alive

[canofworms]

Revised 02/20 10:28 Am

My heart pounds with stifled breathe.  
Minutes seem like hours as I stand there, helpless and ashamed. 
Still I watch your burning silhouette through the sheer blinds that shake as you writhe and scream. 
There's nothing I can do. 
No one to call to stop the pain.
The fire has consumed you now.  All I can do is watch in horror until you convulse and collapse. 
Now it is silent, except for the pounding in my chest against my stifled breath. 
The patio light shines on me like a spotlight on a circus clown. 
I creep quietly away, cold and alone, 
because your fire no longer burns for me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Revised 02/18 5pm

My heart pounds and my breathe struggles. 
Each second seems like an hour as I stand there, helpless and ashamed. 
Still I watch your burning silhouette through the sheer blinds that shake as you writhe and scream. 
There's nothing I can do. 
No one to call. 
The fire has consumed you now.  All I can do is watch in horror until you convulse and collapse in a lifeless heap. 
Now it is silent, except for the pounding in my chest against my stifled breath. 
The patio light shines on me like a spotlight on a circus clown. 
I creep quietly away, cold and alone,
because your fire no longer burns for me.




Initial incarnation:

My heart pounds and I struggle to breathe, but each second seems like an hour as I stand there helpless and ashamed. 
Still I watch your burning silhouette through the sheer blinds that shake as you writhe and scream.
There's nothing I can do. 
No one to call. 
The fire has consumed you now and all I can do is watch in horror until you convulse and collapse in a lifeless heap. 
It is silent now, except for the pounding in my chest that beats in slow motion. 
The patio light shines on me like a spotlight on a circus clown. 
I creep quietly away, cold and alone, because your fire no longer burns for me

[Caleb Murdock]

This is a hard poem to critique because it is so dramatic. Let me first say that I hope you did not write this poem from real life! The scene sounds absolutely awful. However, it's my task to offer a critique and not worry about the circumstances in the poem.

Most of the poem is straight description. You don't give readers a lot of detail, like the who, where, why of this event. If you did, then it might help the reader to relate to the event a little more.

The speaker's reaction in the final line strikes me as a little strange. If I had just watched someone be immolated, I would be hysterical.

Perhaps "fire" in this poem is really symbolic fire. Perhaps you are writing about someone who symbolically immolates himself/herself. If so, then the final line makes more sense. But then, if the fire is symbolic, why are you seeing it through sheer blinds?

If the fire is real, then I'd like to point out that the victim would not convulse and collapse after being consumed.

If the fire is real, why do you say in the last line that it no longer burns "for me"? I'm getting mixed signals at to whether this is a real or symbolic event.

The main thing is that the poem needs more details that will allow the reader to relate to the event described.

[Winterloc]

If this has the meaning it struck me with, I think it's an effective (definitely powerful) way to depict it. When I got to shear (sheer? Or shear as a metaphor maybe?) blinds it brought to mind the character is watching someone they care for now in another relationship. You're on the outside, hence the patio light, also. Even worse, this loved one is allowing themselves to be mistreated and you come to the realization they no longer care for you/the character (reference to a clown, and your fire no longer burns for me). And I wonder if "the fire/burning" is symbolic for not only the loved ones passion, and resultant torment, but also for their energy, or attention. They are directing it elsewhere, but the character wishes it was still focused on them. The loved ones current life is consuming them and their energy (complete suffering) so there's none left to give to you. They're so emblazoned with strife that you can't even touch them.
Some sentences didn't seem concise enough to me, there's plenty of description so it needs to be cut off somewhere. See below: 

My heart pounds and I struggle to breathe(.) 
Each second seems like an hour as I stand there (,) helpless and ashamed. 
Still I watch your burning silhouette through the shear blinds that shake as you writhe and scream. 
There's nothing I can do. 
No one to call. I very much like how you contrasted the simple/to the point (especially centrally!) with your complex descriptions elsewhere. It all expanded nicely back out from this point.
The fire has consumed you now ( ; ) and all I can do is watch in horror until you convulse and collapse in a lifeless heap. You're foreseeing their demise. Could be emotionally or even physically if an abusive relationship.
It is silent now, except for the pounding in my chest that beats in slow motion. Brought into the moment   Could be: "in slow motion it beats" to ryhme with heap(s).
The patio light shines on me like a spotlight on a circus clown. 
I creep quietly away, cold and alone, 
Maybe move this line down here? because your fire no longer burns for me. Nicely ended with concise impact. 

I'm new at this critiquing thing so I hope I didn't butcher it!   Overall I think it's nicely done! Thank you for sharing.

[Lizzie]

My heart pounds and I struggle to breathe, but each second seems like an hour as I stand there helpless and ashamed. 
Still I watch your burning silhouette through the shear blinds that shake as you writhe and scream. -- sheer
There's nothing I can do. 
No one to call. 
The fire has consumed you now and all I can do is watch in horror until you convulse and collapse in a lifeless heap. 
It is silent now, except for the pounding in my chest that beats in slow motion. 
The patio light shines on me like a spotlight on a circus clown. -- good line, nice imagery
I creep quietly away, cold and alone, because your fire no longer burns for me. -- cold and alone is a bit of a cliche

What's throwing me off is the last line that seems to imply that the speaker wants the person to be burning again. Maybe that's intentional, that for the speaker there was or would be a different kind of burning, but the scene we have before us is one of horror, and I don't understand why the loss of that fire would be lamented.

[canofworms]

Thank you Caleb and Chels and Lizzie,
It is severe.

Can I remain mute as to the request for explanation and backstory?
Not for my own amusement, but for the sake of testing or adjusting the piece's ability to be understood without my clarification.
Otherwise it will not stand on its own.
Caleb,
To answer your questions while not explaining the backstory would be pretty difficult.

I don't want to add more details, not because I can't but because it more though provoking without.

My goal is for the reader to feel what I feel, the horror and helplessness and understand it after reading it a few times.

I assume that is ok?

Chels,
I'm not that great at punctuation, I once was, but forgot.
I appreciate that semi colon and I want to use it.
However, I try to remain a genuine person and since I don't use them it feels phony to me.
I can just use a period instead. Right?

I will correct and rewrite the initial including sheer.

Having the line break where you suggest seems to chop up the statement of the first line.
As if am making two statements.
And the lone "My heart pounds and I struggle to breathe. " Seems a little melodramatic or cliche.
But the fact is upon review I can add some detail to this line and I thank you for drawing my attention to it.

Also, I want it to happen real-time to the reader. Does that make sense?

I don't want to break up the last line because it is one statement.
Not two.
But then again putting that last line by itself makes it more of a focal point for thought.

Lizzie,

cold and alone is a bit of a cliche-- yes, but lets leave it there to be changed later. I have to run now.
I just re-posted the initial with revisions. See what you think now.

[Caleb Murdock]

Canofworms, you've basically just rearranged the words in the second draft, so my thoughts on the poem haven't changed much.

I've concluded that the burning is symbolic, that you are saying "this person has ceased to exist for me" -- but as a reader, I want to know more; I want some details.  Besides being horrified by the graphic language, I want to know why I should care.  So no, beyond that initial horrified reaction, I don't think you're making me feel what you want me to feel.

[Donald Q.]

Revised 02/18 5pm

My heart pounds and my breathe struggles.    Breath, not breathe. 
Each second seems like an hour as I stand there, helpless and ashamed. 'Each second seems like an hour' is a boring way to say time is standing still, you can do better I think. 
Still I watch your burning silhouette through the sheer blinds that shake as you writhe and scream. The image of 'sheer blinds' gives a sense of perversion, which is interesting.   
There's nothing I can do. 
No one to call. Doesn't seem very genuine. 
The fire has consumed you now.  All I can do is watch in horror until you convulse and collapse in a lifeless heap. 
Now it is silent, except for the pounding in my chest against my stifled breath. You already mentioned the pounding and breathing. Maybe get rid of their existence in the first line...
The patio light shines on me like a spotlight on a circus clown. Interesting image, again a bit peeping tom.
I creep quietly away, cold and alone,
because your fire no longer burns for me.  Okay, so I think this ending makes the implicit now explicit; that this is some jilted lover watching their ex. I think you've used an interesting metaphor which is actually pretty great, but there's some bits which are a bit too far earlier in the poem ('lifeless heap' seems like a bit too far, perhaps) 

I think if you are disciplined with your word choices this could be a wonderfully sordid little poem, look forward to reading a redraft.

[canofworms]

Revised 02/18 5pm

My heart pounds and my breathe struggles.    Breath, not breathe. OP-What I am trying to say is that I am struggling to breath quietly, but I don't want to spell it out in the first line. I want the reader to think I am witnessing an actual fire at first. I could say "baited breath," but cliche. 
Each second seems like an hour as I stand there, helpless and ashamed. 'Each second seems like an hour' is a boring way to say time is standing still, you can do better I think.  Op-How about "Minutes seem like hours '
Still I watch your burning silhouette through the sheer blinds that shake as you writhe and scream. The image of 'sheer blinds' gives a sense of perversion, which is interesting.  OP- YES 
There's nothing I can do. 
No one to call. Doesn't seem very genuine. [b]OP- this is both, no one to call to put this fire out. No one to call to help me through this event.  [/b]
The fire has consumed you now.  All I can do is watch in horror until you convulse and collapse in a lifeless heap. - - OP- At this point  (she is climaxing and then collapses after climax, exhausted)you should realise that the fire is not literal and read this line differently 
Now it is silent, except for the pounding in my chest against my stifled breath. You already mentioned the pounding and breathing. Maybe get rid of their existence in the first line...[b]I- OP- this isn't the same as first line, While before I heard screaming, now I just hear my heart pounding, made louder by the fact that I am trying to breath quietly. [/b]
The patio light shines on me like a spotlight on a circus clown. Interesting image, again a bit peeping tom [b]-OP Bingo. .[/b]
I creep quietly away, cold and alone,
because your fire no longer burns for me.  Okay, so I think this ending makes the implicit now explicit; that this is some jilted lover watching their ex. I think you've used an interesting metaphor which is actually pretty great, but there's some bits which are a bit too far earlier in the poem ('lifeless heap' seems like a bit too far, perhaps) 

I think if you are disciplined with your word choices(yes) this could be a wonderfully sordid little poem, look forward to reading a redraft.

I think you get the idea of what I'm trying to do.  
At first I want the reader to think that someone is actually burning alive. 
So I have to choose that first line so it does not contradict the meaning of the piece, but does not give it away too soon. 
To be horrified by the explicit description and appalled that I do nothing.  
But then to realize it is not a real fire, but a sexual fire.  
To realize my horror that I see is not by the atrocity to life, but to my heart. 
Then to feel my shame.
And then sense of loss. 

---

Canofworms, you've basically just rearranged the words in the second draft, so my thoughts on the poem haven't changed much.

I've concluded that the burning is symbolic, that you are saying "this person has ceased to exist for me" -- but as a reader, I want to know more; I want some details.  Besides being horrified by the graphic language, I want to know why I should care.  So no, beyond that initial horrified reaction, I don't think you're making me feel what you want me to feel.

Yes, 
I rearranged the words to try and give more detail without defeating the purpose. 

I want it to be a bit of an effort to realize that the fire is not flames. 
But I don't want it to be so vague that it is impossible to come to that conclusion.

[Lizzie]

The poems that I've read that were most successful with sort of tricking the reader into thinking the poem was about one thing when it was actually about another, give the meaning away right at the end. And then the reader goes back to the beginning and re-reads with fresh eyes. Here's one to illustrate:

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-10686.html